I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Thursday, 18 December 2008


Christmas is a funny time of year. There is always so much tradition attached to it, expectations and pressures to make it as perfect a time as possible . . .

It’s also a time of memories – memories of Christmas past, good and bad – thoughts of those who are no longer part of our lives for whatever reason – along with hopes that this Christmas will be one to remember for all the right reasons. For me Christmas has always been a difficult time . . .

During childhood Christmas followed the same pattern year after year – I’d wake up on Christmas morning to find a pillow case of presents just inside the bedroom door . . . . . I’d have to open those presents alone in my room trying not to make too noise with the wrapping, otherwise I’d be screamed at to be quiet and find a fist making contact with my face or body. . . . to be honest how can you open presents without making some noise? We’d dress in our best and trail off to church . . . . where a pretence of being a happy family enjoying Christmas together was played out to perfection . . . church over while dinner was cooking I had to sit and write my thank you letters, in perfect writing and with appropriate politeness always dated with Boxing Day’s date. . . . Christmas dinner would be timed to end just in time for us all to be in front of the TV for the Queen’s speech at 3pm. During dinner my parents would pick apart everything that happened at church, leaving me wondering why they bothered going . . . . . Queen’s speech over I’d be shown the door, or kicked out, whichever . . . the rest of Christmas day was spent wandering the streets . . . killing time . . . keeping warm . . . . I might be allowed in later that night or have to sleep out on the streets, depending on whatever mood would take my parents . . .

So Christmas as a child was just another day:– another day of fear . . .violence. . . . pretence . . . lies . . . aloneness . . . exclusion . . . surviving . . .

Moving on from childhood Christmas has been a mixed bag . . . and not a very nice mixed bag . . . not having family of any shape or form makes Christmas very difficult . . . year after year I tried various things . . . working. . . . . studying . . . helping on homeless projects . . . asking friends to be part of my Christmas, but they have families that I cannot be part of and who naturally take 1st priority in their lives . . . there was no getting away from that aloneness no matter what I did . . .

Over the period that I was living with friends I was part of their Christmas which was great . . . another year I went to stay with friends in Wales . . . they wanted me there but one member of their family took exception to me being there and actually said “what’s she doing here? she’s not family”- and she made sure I knew exactly what contempt she felt for me ‘gate crashing’ her family Christmas. She made life very uncomfortable indeed, and my friends were mortified . . . but that kind of finished things for me . . . after that I felt I just could not look to friends again and had to find another way of doing Christmas . . .

Then I came across a company called Travelsphere . . . they do coach tours over Christmas to Europe . . . and they aren’t expensive either . . . so I travel with them to the Alps . . . this will be the third Christmas I have travelled with them . . .

I struggle to find the money but now I can look forward to Christmas and plan for it, instead of dread it and hope I will find a home this year. Yep it still hurts, sure it does, but I have a real sense of belonging on the coach trips . . . we do Christmas together like a family and it’s healing and great fun too!

So many people say “oh please take me with you, I am so jealous” . . . little realising that I struggle to not be jealous of their family Christmas . . . . it’s a funny ole life sometimes!!

And this year I’ve done Christmas without the obligatory religious content. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not out of rebellion but it’s just how things have worked out this year that I have not been able to get to any carol or Christmas services at all . . . Jesus is the centre of my life, and He’s the centre of my Christmas. I always sing happy birthday to Him on Christmas morning . . . . . . there was a time when it would have been considered sacrosanct to not be in church over the advent and Christmas period . . . . but then that was it was all about religion and being seen to do the right thing . . . Jesus is the reason I celebrate Christmas because of what He has done for me . . . if I manage to get to church great, but if I don’t it’s ok. and it’s actually quite liberating to feel ok about that!!!

Happy Christmas Jesus!!!! My ever present companion without whom I would be sunk and have no reason to live. Thank you Jesus for all you have done for me and helping me cope with Christmas and put you at the centre of it.

Thursday, 11 December 2008


I am God's child (John 1:12)
I am Christ's friend (John 15:15 )
I am united with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17)
I am bought with a price (1 Cor 6:19-20)
I am a saint (set apart for God). (Eph. 1:1)
I am a personal witness of Christ. (Acts 1:8)
I am the salt & light of the earth (Matt 5:13-14)
I am a member of the body of Christ (1 Cor 12:27)
I am free forever from condemnation ( Rom. 8: 1-2)
I am a citizen of Heaven. I am significant (Phil 3:20)
I am free from any charge against me (Rom. 8:31 -34)
I am a minister of reconciliation for God (2 Cor 5:17-21)
I have access to God through the Holy Spirit (Eph. 2:18)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms (Eph. 2:6)
I cannot be separated from the love of God (Rom 8:35-39)
I am established, anointed, sealed by God (2 Cor 1:21-22 )
I am assured all things work together for good (Rom. 8:28 )
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit (John 15:16 )
I may approach God with freedom and confidence (Eph. 3: 12 )
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13)
I am the branch of the true vine, a channel of His life (John 15: 1-5)
I am God's temple (1 Cor. 3: 16). I am complete in Christ (Col. 2: 10)
I am hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3). I have been justified (Romans 5:1)
I am God's co-worker (1 Cor. 3:9; 2 Cor 6:1). I am God's workmanship (Eph. 2:10)
I am confident that the good works God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil. 1: 5)
I have been redeemed and forgiven ( Col 1:14). I have been adopted as God's child (Eph 1:5)
I belong to God
Do you know
Who you are!?

Keep this bell ringing... be encouraged by these scriptures always.
'The LORD bless you and keep you;
The LORD make His face shine upon you
And be gracious to you;
The LORD turn His face toward you
And give you peace..'
Numbers 6:24-26

Wednesday, 10 December 2008


I posted this elsewhere and thought well why not post it here too - some of this you will know from elsewhere in my blog, some you will not - so want to know a bit more about me? Here goes . . .

1. I was born three months premature in Feb 1966 . . . I was weeks in a special care baby unit after birth . . . I think I knew in the womb that I wasn't wanted and just wanted to get out of there . . . my mother did not want a second child . . . and when she discovered she was pregnant with me pronounced that only a boy would do . . .

2. If my mother could have had foreknowledge of my gender I would not be here . . . I spent the first 19 years of my life being abused and tortured in every way possible by all the key people in my life simply because I was a girl . . . . ended up beaten up, kicked out, disowned and left for dead in the snow three weeks before my 20th birthday . . . . I've pretty much done life alone ever since, trusting no one . . . . just surviving . . . getting by . . . hating being alone . . . but not being able to cope with anything else . . . ouch . . .

3. I had a very very very religious upbringing, religion and the bible were used to explain and excuse terrible acts . . . and keep me in my place . . . I grew up in both the Roman Catholic church and the Church of England . . . and I have enormous problems with the whole church thing . . .

4. I read a book called "Journey into Life" when I was 14, it had the sinner's prayer in the back of it but me being fiercely independent didn't pray the sinner's prayer . . . I just remember crying out from the deepest part of me 'God if you're out there and you're real then come into my life and be my friend and stop the abuse" . . . that was 15th Feb 1981 - 3 days before my 15th birthday . . .

5. I endured another 5 years of abuse following that and still kinda wrestle with where was God in all that?

6. I kind of struggled on with the whole religion thing till aged 30 in 1996 when I went to work at a Christian conference over Easter and had a very powerful encounter with the Holy Spirit . . . that threw all my religious paradigms in the air and led to me leaving the established church and embarking on a journey that I’m still on . . . trying to find God in the gritty reality of life . . . and trying to find a church which embraces that . . . what I need in God is way beyond mere form and words . . . and it is so hard to explain . . . just pursuing God with all I have, knowing that He has pursued me with all that He has . . . and longing for real deep healing and resolution . . . oh to be able to help others because He is my healer and deliverer . . . and oh to be able to receive His love deep into my being . . . if only I could . . . the longing of my heart . . . hmmmmmm

7. I left school with few qualifications because of the trauma of my childhood . . . most of what I know is self taught . . . but against all the odds after being involved in youth work for about 15 years in the voluntary sector . . . and gaining an award for Outstanding Attainment in Youth Work from Devon County Council in 1996 . . . I ended up going to university in 1998 and graduated aged 35 in 2001 with a BA Honours degree in Community and Youth Work . . . along the way I discovered that actually I am not stupid and thick but have a brilliant brain and have a lot to contribute given the right environment . . .

8. I love football and played in goal for an amateur league whilst at university and I’m a life long fan of Liverpool football club

9. Although I was born in England and have lived in England all my life my ancestry is actually half Scottish . . . . and half Viking, which makes for a wild fiery combination!!!

10. I love hiking and climbing mountains . . . my father climbed the Matterhorn in his youth and I get it from him . . . as a child I read a book called “Eiger, Wall of Death”, all about the North Wall of the Eiger in the Alps. Ever since I’ve been obsessed with the mountain . . . last Christmas I finally made it to the foot of the Eiger North Wall . . . . and this Christmas I’ll be back there again hoping to photograph even more of it . . . one day I will get to climb Snowdon and Ben Nevis . . . one day . . . and as for Everest base camp . . . well I can dream can’t I?

11. Photography is my greatest hobby . . . and I’m always happiest when I have a camera in my hand . . . .

12. I am very creative . . . love working with colours and shapes . . . . just creating stuff for the sheer fun of being creative . . . I've written loads of poetry down the years . . . and just love to write . . . it is in writing that I find freedom to be who I am . . .

13. Language fascinates me and I can speak French, German and a little Russian

14. I’ve got a huge capacity for fun and have a massive sense of humour which often gets me into trouble, but has also been a large part of my survival

15. My favourite colour is green, my favourite colour combination is dark green with dark blue and purple

16. I just love to collect fridge magnets and my fridge freezer is covered in em

Tuesday, 25 November 2008


A friend sent this video to me at my facebook account last night and it just completely blew me away.

Here are some words from the video -

"He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you . . . because that is His nature . . . .that is who He is . . . I am the I am who was promised you . . . who loves you . . . you will always be the beloved . . . . . . open your heart to me . . . . . . I dare you says the Lord . . . give me your heart . . . because I love you 100% as you are right this moment . . . . . . so be loved . . . you are the beloved . . . . I will love you outrageously all the days of your life . . . . . I am He that loves you outrageously . . . when I look at you I see someone that I love . . . . outrageously . . . . you are my beloved . . . . I want you to feel good about yourself."

Let Jesus minister his extravagant and outrageous healing love and acceptance to you as you watch and listen to this amazing video; I commend it wholeheartedly to you and I guarantee that you will not be the same once you've heard this.

Thursday, 13 November 2008


Every little piece, every little piece

I’m gathering every single little piece

Yes, every little piece, I am gathering them

Every little piece of your shattered heart Fi

I’m gathering them together from every place they scattered to

I’m gathering them from the darkest deepest dingiest corner

Every little piece, Fi, every little piece

I know about and care deeply about each and every one

You can trust me again my daughter, my precious child

I will miss none of the little pieces of your heart

I am gathering together all the pieces of your heart

Every little piece is precious to me

Every little piece is special and belongs

Every little piece is known well to me

Yes I know every little piece and how to bring them together

I know what happened to every little piece

And I care deeply about every little piece

I know where each little piece scattered to and why

I know every little piece that has hidden away

I saw them break, scatter, run and hide

I am gathering them all together in order to restore

I will not stop my labours till I have every little piece gathered in

Every little piece will be put back together

In only the way I know how

Yes there will be no fault lines my child

It will be as if your heart never shattered

Every little piece matters to me

Every little piece belongs

Every little piece fits and has its place

I love every little piece of your heart and I love you

You are my masterpiece, my work of art

Every little piece, every little piece Fi

They will come together and be healed

It is ok and it is going to be ok

You are doing great, I am so proud of you

Every little piece of the puzzle will be found by me

Every little piece my daughter

Every little piece my precious princess

Every little piece . . . yes every little piece

13th November 2008

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Website with fantastic healing resources

A friend on Facebook recommended this website to me. The site is a part of Fatherheart Ministries UK. It is so good that I have just got to recommend it to you.


The site has video and audio resources together with written articles and a free monthly newsletter that you can sign up for. The entire site is about revealing God's father heart. It is absolutely phenomenal.

Tuesday, 11 November 2008


Over the last couple of months I’ve been holding on to God and holding on to what I know to be true about Him. It is all I have been able to do, believing deep down, that He is with me; that He knows all about what is going on; that He does love me; and that He is working things out. I cried out and cried out to Him in desperation and yet He was silent. I was desperate to hear from Him to know that He was still with me and hadn’t abandoned me; holding on, hoping and daring to believe that He would speak to me eventually. I knew that He was not angry with me and I knew that I’d done nothing to deserve the utterly broken place that I found myself in, but when God is silent for a prolonged length of time it is really hard. The last couple of months have been the hardest of my life and have taken me to depths or pain, sorrow and grief I never thought I could possibly survive.

Last weekend God broke His silence. During the 2 days God used 4 separate people to speak His voice, His heart and His precious love to me.

What follows is what I was able to remember of what was spoken to me. It gives a sense of God’s heart, and you can see God’s stamp all over them because they all flow from each other and carry the same themes although they were spoken independent of each other.

Let these words minister God’s healing daddy’s heart to you as you read.

“God will water your heart and bring refreshing.

He knows all about it and all about the wilderness and the dry places. There are pools of water in the wilderness. All that you have lost and all that has been stolen from you will be restored fully. He will bring restoration. Jesus loves you so very very much. ch. You are the apple of His eye and He has not forsaken you and will never forsake you.”

“God is wanting to make a new start with you. He is doing a fresh thing. He is going to take you into a whole new level of knowing Him and of Him knowing you. He is interested in getting an intimate relationship with you. He wants to know you in intimacy. He wants to bring life to the dead areas, bringing healing and restoration. He is bringing you into a whole new area of new trust, new intimacy, bringing revelation of His father heart and new hope.”

“You are a jewel in my crown. You are beautiful, so very beautiful to me. You are wonderfully and beautifully made. I remember fashioning you with my hands while you were within the womb. I made you and I know you as you are and love you as you are. Rest in my love, abide; stop striving for it my child, it is yours freely, it is yours unconditionally and it is yours for the whole of eternity. Rest my child, abide; then you will be able to love the hurting and set the captives free. See yourself as a spirit in a body and rest in my love. That will make it easier for you to see yourself as I see you and as the spirit realm sees you. For that is who you really are. As you rest in my love you will gain revelation of my unconditional love for you. Then rest in that revelation and let it go deep. As you do so you will be able to reject all the negative words that have been and will be spoken against you. You will not take on the weight of them anymore. And you will no longer carry the weight of the rejection you have known. Then you will heal and have love and compassion for the lost, loveless, hurting and broken. Go and set the captives free my child, yes that is my will for you, you’ve always known that, and I am confirming it. Go and set the captives free, set the captives free in my name and for my glory. I love you my precious child, rest in that love.”

“God wants you to know that He loves you. And not only does He love you, but He likes you. Yes, He likes you, He really likes you. He created you for Him to look upon. Fiona my precious daughter I want to look upon you. I want to love on you. I want to hug on you. I say you are mine. You are my beautiful one. You are my princess. Yes I am Almighty God, but I am also Father God who loves and likes His precious daughter, my beautiful bride. I am proud of her and I like her so very much, as well as love her very deeply. She has a special place in my heart and will always have that place in my heart. I am Father and I am Son, the bridegroom enjoying my bride and enjoying looking upon my bride, my princess, towards whom my heart is turned. I enjoy you my bride, you are beautiful to me and very precious to me, come and rest in that love.”

Sat 8th November 2008

Sunday, 2 November 2008

A Strange Weekend

Last weekend I went and stayed with friends. On the one hand I had a lovely weekend and enjoyed their company and am glad I went. But on the other hand I had a really difficult and traumatic time coping with stuff and coping with me over the weekend. I am glad I went but have come away a little shocked and shaken by what’s going on inside me.

I met these friends back in March and spent time with them in April and May when I was feeling much more at ease and was much happier. I was in a lot of ways a very different person then to the person I am now. They are the most accepting couple of people I’ve ever had the privilege to meet. I think that they unconditionally accept me as I am, even if I don’t.

The person I am now scares and unsettles me. It was during the weekend that the full impact of the damage I have sustained as a result of Kim dumping me hit me. I realised how my basic trust which I was building up really well has been shattered and how I have closed up in response.

I am someone who is straight and honest with people I don’t play games with them. Throughout the weekend, every time my friend asked me something to try to open up conversation I shut it down. Little voices inside said hush you cannot give any information, it’s not safe. I was back as that frightened child who didn’t know what was safe to say and what wasn’t so it’s best to say nothing. That really annoyed and unsettled me. I didn’t like that because I knew my friend was safe and was only trying to open up conversation. But I just shut down and shut the conversation down at the same time. And I hated myself at times for that because I knew I was with safe people but found myself reacting out of that place of trust which has been so shattered, instead of that adult place which knew it was ok.

I spent the weekend trying to open up and finding myself shutting down, talking to my multiples and telling them that they were safe and I wouldn’t let anything happen to them.

I spend my life alone, very alone in fact. Happy with my own company but hating the isolation, longing to be less isolated, yearning for company, yet when I have it I can’t cope with it. It’s a crazy life sometimes!! I was glad when it was time to go home and get back to normal, but at the same time felt really bad about that because I enjoy being with my friends too.

Usually I communicate better with females than with males, I automatically feel safer with them. But that didn’t happen during the weekend. I was as bad communicating with either of them. And when the coach pulled away and I waved goodbye to them I felt waves of self loathing, anger and disappointment engulf me, and in that moment I hated myself because I had messed things up and not been the person I wanted to be.

But then I can only be who I am and Jesus accepts me as I am, knowing all there is to know about me, He still accepts me as I am. I can only rest in that and let that knowledge bring healing to those shattered places, knowing that I won’t be like this forever. I have to tell myself this is a phase, a passing moment of my life, and can only get better because I aint gonna quit, and Jesus aint gonna quit on me either.

2nd November 2008

Monday, 20 October 2008


Who am I?

I’ve asked myself that question many times. Many years ago I wrote a poem on the issue and wrote about 10 shadows that pertain to be me.

What am I talking about?

I am talking about multiple personality disorder, fragmentation, splitting, whatever terminology you care to use.

What I am not talking about is the invisible friends that children create for themselves.

I am talking about real personalities with their own age, names, distinct character and ways of behaving.

When I was child the things I experienced were utterly horrific and too much for a child’s brain or emotions to cope with. Therefore, I split and throughout my childhood I moved from split to split to split. The splitting was an automatic reflex response to what was going on. The interesting thing is that each one is linked directly to a specific event or events. But each one also has memories of other abuses which shows how I moved between the splits to cope. It can be really confusing at times, but I also find it fascinating discovering how I coped and survived the unsurvivable.

And all these people make up me.

Over the last few months of healing I have got to know those 10 shadows and to become aware of others who I haven’t got to know yet.

Sometimes I am Susie aged 3, other times I might be Jake or Terry or Teresa or any of the others.

Throughout my life I have split to cope with trauma. During the recent weeks I have been severely split and it has been impossible to find where the adult ends and where the split begins. It’s a scary place to be but it helps enormously to understand what is actually going on.

And what is really fantastic is how Jesus loves every part of me and how he treats every person that makes me me. One day I hope we will fully integrate and that I’ll be able to make it through life without splitting.

Saturday, 23 August 2008


My break from healing has turned into a much longer one than had been anticipated due to events taking a really unexpected and rather unscheduled turn.

When I was a child I was not allowed to be angry, in fact I was not allowed to express emotions full stop. So that means the whole gamut through anger, rage, hurt, pain, tears to joy, laughter and happiness were repressed. I was taught and forced to maintain a deadpan attitude to everything. If you did express anything things were made worse, so I learned that being angry was not ok, and that if you did express it then something bad would always happen. This meant that I internalised everything, and as an adult I still internalise everything.

Well I was travelling along the bumpy and uncertain road which healing is. I was in the process of beginning to express some of my emotions and feelings about what was done to me throughout the first 20 years of my life. We were also working with my multiples enabling them to express their feelings and anger too. Most of all, I was beginning to learn that there is a more healthy way of dealing with your emotions; that it is ok to express them.

Two weeks ago I began to cold turkey off Prozac because I was experiencing significant serious side effects from taking the Prozac. In order to start a new anti depressant there had to be no Prozac in my system. My doctor wanted me off Prozac with immediate effect, so bad were the side effects, and it takes 4-7 days for Prozac to get out of your system. Once you start taking a new med it takes another 2-3 weeks for the new anti depressant to begin to kick in. So cold turkey it was.

After the initial shock of learning that I was going to be in effect taking no meds for 2-3 weeks, things started off alright. I started taking the new med 5 days after stopping the Prozac, then 48 hours later things went badly wrong.

With the Prozac finally out of my system and the new med not in my system I began to lose touch with reality, to feel very out of control and really angry. I remember very little about the next 48 hours. I do remember splitting as another of my multiples emerged, and her anger and hurt. I remember being very angry with the person working with me on my healing. And I remember coming very close to suicide during that time. But as for the details, well I have several emails which passed between us during that time to fill me in on those horrifying facts. And I also have the legacy of another shattered relationship to add to the many littering my life as the person who was working with me has broken off all contact.

The 72 hours which followed were a complete nightmare. My multiples with whom we had worked felt abandoned and starting screaming out for the person who had promised they could talk to her whenever they needed as they realised that she was not there anymore, and had left a vacuum. As time progressed I continued to split as I went from one personality to the next, one moment I was a tiny child, the next an angry belligerent teenager, and everything in between.

I can tell you that I began to wish the nightmares and flashbacks back; they were far less frightening to deal with than the split asunder out of control person I became. I really did not know who I was or even how to get me back. I did not dare step foot outside my flat throughout this time as I was so afraid. I thought I really was losing my mind, I’d never been so split in my life. I really thought that if someone knew the truth of what was going on then I would be sectioned under the Mental Health Act and forced into hospital, which I really didn’t want. I just wanted the nightmare to end, and didn’t really know how it had all started, and that is the worst bit of it all.

The nightmare began to come to an end with an emergency appointment with my doctor. She was fantastic about it all and was able to normalise everything that was going on and calm me down. She decided to immediately double the dose of my new anti depressant so that when it does kick in it will kick in at a higher level and should enable me to stabilise quicker. I remember sitting with the doctor and discussing the traumas which had led up to the appointment. It was amazing how God just ministered peace into the depths of my being during those few minutes. I left the doctor’s surgery with deep assurance in my spirit that everything is going to ok, it is going to turn out alright. It had to be God’s peace and God’s assurance as it flew directly opposite to what was going on inside me.

When I returned home later I had an email from a friend giving me a scripture which I had memorised over 3 decades ago and has repeatedly come up at difficult times in my life.

It is the verse from Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

As I meditated on that verse and spoke it to myself over and over I was reminded of a song we sang at youth camps that I worked on in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

The song goes like this – “Be bold, be strong, for the Lord your God is with you. Be bold, be strong, for the Lord your God is with you. I am not afraid, no, no. I am not dismayed, not me. For I’m walking in faith and victory, come on, walk in faith and victory, for the Lord your God is with you.”

I was lifted out of my situation and taken back about 20 years to the big tent. I smelt the familiar smell of the damp grass, was reminded of the hardness of the benches, the beauty of the music which the band never failed to produce, but most of all I looked at the faces around me and was reminded of the camaraderie of those times, as God just ministered deep into my spirit. He did something very special as He did that because He reminded me of the tough places I’ve been during the last two decades or so and the things that He has seen me through. He also reminded me of the crowd of witnesses around me who are egging me on and yelling “go Fi go, go Fi go”.

It makes me cry now to recall how He assured me over and over of the inner strength which I have because of those things, and again that there is nothing that He does not know about.

I’ve not been quite the same since - I still have moments when I feel afraid, I’ve not stabilised yet. I still have times when I do not know who am I or who I’ve been for a little while, and blanks in my memory which I wish weren’t there. But I know one thing and that is that everything is going to be ok, because Jesus is in the house, and when He is around, things do have a way of working out.

What about my healing? I don’t know where I go from here. I know only that God is in control and His plans for my healing have not been derailed. One downside is that what has happened has reinforced stuff I learned in childhood – emotions and feelings are not expressed, if they are something bad will happen. That is a very difficult one and will take me time to recover from. One reason why I got suicidal during this is because I internalised all my feelings of anger, rage, fear etc.

So what is the moral of this story?

Well for that we have go back to the title . . . the healing journey is not a smooth one and there are plenty of pitfalls . . . especially for the unwary . . . before this happened I was unwary . . . now I have learned a salutary lesson . . . . let it be a warning to all of some of the things that can go wrong.

And my reason for writing? Well I had to find a way to vent so that I can move on from this and keep a pure heart . . . the story is also a part of my healing journey and as such should be shared here . . . and it is wonderful to be able to share how God breaks in to our shock, pain and trauma and brings His marvellous healing and reassurance. The most important reason for writing this is to tell the story. To do otherwise would be to repeat old patterns of behaviour; when something bad happens you keep stum and tell no one. It is important for me to tell just for that reason alone!

I will continue to take a break from actively healing knowing that God carries on regardless and that I will look back some time in the future and see the purpose behind this turn of events. As time goes on, I am sure that God will show me the way forward and give me the strength and ability to trust again.

23rd August 2008

Saturday, 16 August 2008


I dreamt that I had an interview with God,

So, would you like to interview me?" God asked.

"If you have the time", I said.

God smiled, and said:

" My time is eternity… What questions do you have in mind for me?"

I asked:" What surprises you most about mankind?"

God answered:

" That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.
That they lose their health to make money . . . . and then lose their money to restore their health.
That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget that they live in neither the present nor the future.
That they live as if they will never die, and die as if they had never lived."

God's hand took mine, we were silent for awhile, and then I asked: "As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"

God answered:

"To learn that they cannot make anyone love them, all they can do is let themselves be loved.
To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others.
To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.
To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them.
To learn that a rich person is not the one who has most, but is the one who needs the least.
To learn that there are people who love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings.
To learn that two people can look at the same thing, and see it differently.
To learn that it is not enough to forgive one another, but they must also learn to forgive themselves."

"Thank you for your time" I said humbly. "Is there anything else you want your children to know?"

God smiled and said: "Just to know that I am here." "Always"

Taken From : www.theinterviewwithgod.com

Wednesday, 13 August 2008


Hi Jesus what is this scar in your hand?

It’s where they put the nail when they nailed me to that cross

I heard you did nothing wrong but they hated you that must have been really horrible it must have really hurt

Yes it did hurt more than you can possibly imagine I know what it feels like to be hated when you've done nothing wrong I know what it feels like to be abandoned and deserted and all alone and know what betrayal feels like I know what it feels like to be lied about I know how desperate it makes you feel I experienced all that I know what a sham trial feels like

so you know about the kangaroo courts then?

yes I know all about them I know what a sham they were and what a put up job they were I know all about it there is nothing I don't know about I saw it all I was there

so you know how horrible I feel then Jesus?

yes I do

you know how alone I feel?

yes I do

I have been with you every moment of your life I know all you have been through I have seen it all everything you have felt I have felt every hurt I felt with you

Jesus I am finding this so amazing, but why couldn't you stop them if you were there?

I tried to speak with them many times I tried to reason with them but they shut me out ignored me

but they went to church?

yes they went to church but not to find me just to look good all part of their cover story

ok Jesus I feel safe with you I feel like you know everything there is to know about me and yet you don't look down on me or belittle me

I love you my child my love is a love you've never known my love is not self seeking my love does not hurt or use others my love sets people free my love is a safe love my love will bring healing to your innermost being my love is about healing not hurting my love is about freeing not binding up

ouch Jesus that hurt cos I've been bound a lot

I know you have remember there is nothing I don't know about don't be afraid you have nothing to fear my love gets rid of fear and gives you peace in exchange real deep peace and joy like you've never known I have only good intentions for you

I am so proud of you I am so proud that you have spoken out and I am so proud I’ve been waiting a long time for this and I am so happy now that it is here and you are speaking out

8th August 2008

Monday, 4 August 2008


I am being taken through a process of healing some really traumatic memories at the moment. Today Jesus took me back to the night when I was kicked and beaten almost to death by my parents then literally kicked out of front door into the snow, and left there for dead by them. I have always wondered how I survived lying there unconscious for several hours. This is the transcript of what Jesus showed me:-

“He's holding me gently rocking me . . . I feel a cool balm going right down deep through my chest to my core I see angels with their hands in my chest and belly and abdomen . . . Jesus is holding me against his chest . . . .

I see the room where it all took place flooding with light . . . I am surrounded with wings and peace such peace . . .

I see me as I was at 19 and I see Jesus holding me comforting me . . . . that's how I survived His warmth kept me alive . . .

Jesus is wrapped around me I am lying in Him not in the snow that is how I survived . . . He is cradling me . . . He has my head against His chest keeping it covered . . . there are angels there too loads of them in the garden I was not alone when I was lying in the snowy garden . . . for the very first time I realise I was not alone . . . His body took the cold while I was cradled in his warmth this is awesome to see

I always wondered how I survived after I blacked out . . . the angels lifted me off the ground placed me in His embrace and He wrapped himself around me and the angels were wrapped around us . . . wow this is incredible

He is just cradling me so gently . . . ah it is so beautiful . . . I was not alone . . . when I came to it was Him who suggested go up to {friend’s name} yes she's in . . . and I had an escort all the way there . . in fact they came in with us for a while . . . Jesus is sat across the kitchen table from me in her house watching her tend my wounds listening to her rant on about my parents . . .

And listening to her telling me she'll put me on a camp bed in the lounge till she gets somewhere for me . . . He is there smiling . . . I am just sitting there feeling so battered and bruised and {friend’s name} is doing her best to love me but I can't receive it I'm just blanking . . . but it's ok it's just the trauma

Jesus is nodding his head he's happy . . . He knows {friend’s name} will look after me He also knows she will not let them near me . . . wow He is showing me her tears later when she was all alone Jesus is showing me her private reactions to it all . . . . this is so moving . . . oh it’s amazing

I now see myself asleep on the camp bed and Jesus is sat there right beside me caressing my forehead . . . he was there through it all he did see it all

I truly was never alone though I felt so bereft”

So now I know how I survived that night in the snow, now I know how I survived that harrowing night, thank you Jesus for showing me and for bringing healing into that very traumatic memory.

2nd August 2008

Friday, 1 August 2008


Last night God took me back to a room when I was just 5 years old, I was being held down and sexually assaulted. As he took me deeper into healing of the memory something very very special happened. This is part of the transcript of what took place:-

“I see {my abusers names} they are sitting bound . . . it is like they are losing strength by the minute . . . their power is being taken from them . . . He is making me strong and them weak . . . he is turning the tables . . . taking away the shame . . . I can lift my head up now . . . I am looking across at them . . . I don't feel no shame I didn't do nothing wrong they did wrong not me they did wrong not me . . . . me didn't do nothing wrong, me got nothing to be ashamed of its them who should be ashamed . . . I am looking right at them I am not ashamed . . . it's them who are looking shifty now . . . I am looking straight at them . . . I should not feel guilty I didn't do nothing wrong they should feel guilty not me . . . all of the guilt and shame and evil is going back on them where it should be . . . yeah they are the ones who were evil not me . . . I was just a tiny child . . . they made me do it they held me down and tied me up . . . there's power jolting thro my arms . . .awesome . . . its like I'm being given my arms back

I see a set of scales and Jesus is putting all these weights on them . . . [my abusers names} eyes are nearly popping out one side of the scales is dipping and dipping so low and lower and lower . . . .they are just shrinking down even lower . . . they have no strength at all now . . . and I feel stronger and taller and bigger and clean and free from guilt like I've been washed . . . if they shrink down much further they'll be on the floor . . . like slugs that was the word i had . . . slugs . . . and you know how to finish slugs off a good dose of salt . . . . pour some salt on them ha ha and they shrink up . . . Jesus said we should be salt and light haha . . . I feel like something is being established in the room . . .a miracle is happening

Wow and they look so tiny now . . . its like they are being swallowed up by the scales . . . . and being turned into little weights and being put on the other side of the scale . . . that is bizarre . . . that is so bizarre . . . but the scales aren’t leveling out . . . whoa Jesus just put his foot down on their side of the scale and stamped it right down . . . wow I felt that . . . wow it is going to be as if it never happened . . . . that was symbolic of his feet wiping it out . . . just wiping it out like dirt off a shoe . . . wow they were just like dog poo on his shoe haha

I am looking at Jesus laughing the whole room seems to be filling with laughter . . . a lightness like floating in the room . . . I can smell the victory . . . all the heaviness is gone . . . no more evil

I want to get up and dance . . . I am dancing round the room . . . Jesus has come over and is dancing with me . . . . round and round and round and round and round and round and round

Wow ‘the victory is yours he says’ . . . it is like he is replacing the sorrow and pain with dancing . . . with him . . . . I have not danced in a long time . . . I feel no embarrassment or awkwardness dancing with him . . . dance dance dance . . . it feels natural . . . it is so wonderful to really dance with him . . . I feel so free

The room feels so big and light now . . . feel like I'm in a ballroom in a ball gown with a tiara on my head . . . and my hair shimmering . . . wow there are rubies in the tiara and sapphires. . . my gown is beautiful it has golden lining like silk and is a lovely maroon with flecks of blue and green and purple running thro it . . . the shoes on my feet match I never match haha I do now though . . . and we are dancing around this ballroom it is huge and there are people all around watching and applauding . . . I feel so tall and graceful and pure . . . I feel like an adult, d'u know what I mean? . . . it's like watching the New Year's Day ball from Vienna . . . it's just like that with the Blue Danube playing in the background . . . its beautiful . . . and he's saying to me ‘you are so worth this you are so worth this you really are that is right so worth this’ . . . the whole room has changed wow

Jesus just threw his head back and laughed a victory bellow almost like a lions roar haha . . . well I've flopped down on a chair now I'm done in and it is like I hear a lions roar haha”

The most wonderful thing about what happened in this is that I loved to dance as a small child, but my parents put me on stages at talent shows. I hated that and stopped dancing as soon as I could. I do still love dance but I don’t dance because I feel very embarrassed, awkward and self conscious dancing. It is like Jesus is starting to restore the joy and freedom of dancing to me.

1st August 2008