I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. Without God's intervention in my life I wouldn't be here - NOW is the time for me to tell MY story by speaking the TRUTH about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being restored. This blog has helped me begin to get my voice back and documents the journey God is taking me on to heal me from the trauma and damage caused by that most appalling abuse.

Saturday, 28 June 2008

A SPECIAL NOTE TO YOU



You are a beautiful human person as you read this.

Read this and absorb it, don't read the words flippantly. Are you reading? They are written for YOU especially YOU . . . .


You are a valuable person
You are a special person
You are a unique person
You are beautiful
You are precious
You are unrepeatable
You are mysterious
You are a beautiful human person
No one will ever exist like you
No one will ever experience a life that you have experienced
You are a collection of specialness that has never been put together before
Your life deserves a film premiere at a West End cinema
You are so special and unique that Jesus has died for you
He loves you so much that he has given his life for you
His love is completely and totally 100% for you
His love for you is unconditional
If you became a better person now
If you became a committed Christian today
Either or both, God couldn't love you anymore tomorrow
His love for you is total NOW
And he cannot love you any more
Of course he deserves a response
And it makes him happy if we respond
BUT his love is not dependent on it
You are 100%, totally and completely loved



[Author: Pip Wilson, General Secretary Romford YMCA, UK]

WHO AM I?

JOHN 1: 12 I AM GOD'S CHILD


JOHN 15:15 I AM CHRIST'S FRIEND


ROM 5: 1 I HAVE BEEN JUSTIFIED


1 COR 6: 17 I AM UNITED WITH THE LORD AND I AM ONE

WITH HIM IN SPIRIT


1 COR 6: 20 I HAVE BEEN BOUGHT WITH A PRICE -

I BELONG TO GOD


1 COR 12: 27 I AM A MEMBER OF CHRIST'S BODY


EPH 1: 1 I AM A SAINT - A HOLY ONE


EPH 1: 5 I HAVE BEEN ADOPTED AS GOD'S CHILD


EPH 2: 18 I HAVE DIRECT ACCESS TO GOD THROUGH

THE HOLY SPIRIT


COL 1: 14 I HAVE BEEN REDEEMED AND FORGIVEN

ALL MY SINS


COL 2: 10 I AM COMPLETE IN CHRIST


ROM 8: 1-2 I AM FREE FOREVER FROM CONDEMNATION


ROM 8: 28 I AM ASSURED THAT ALL THINGS WORK

TOGETHER FOR GOOD


ROM 8: 35-39 I CANNOT BE SEPARATED FROM THE LOVE OF GOD


ROM 8: 31-34 I AM FREE FROM ANY CONDEMNING CHARGES

AGAINST ME


2 COR 1: 21-22 I HAVE BEEN ESTABLISHED, ANOINTED AND

SEALED BY GOD


COL 3: 3 I AM HIDDEN WITH CHRIST IN GOD


PHIL 1: 6 I AM CONFIDENT THAT THE GOOD WORK THAT

GOD HAS BEGUN IN ME WILL BE PERFECTED


PHIL 3: 20 I AM A CITIZEN OF HEAVEN


2 TIM 1: 7 I HAVE NOT BEEN GIVEN A SPIRIT OF FEAR BUT

OF POWER LOVE, AND A SOUND MIND


HEB 4: 16 I CAN FIND GRACE AND MERCY IN TIME OF NEED


1 JOHN 5: 18 I AM BORN OF GOD AND THE EVIL ONE

CANNOT TOUCH ME


MATT 5: 13 I AM THE SALT OF THE EARTH AND THE LIGHT

OF THE WORLD


JOHN 15: 15 I AM A BRANCH OF THE TRUE VINE, JESUS,

A CHANNEL OF HIS LIFE


JOHN 15: 16 I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN AND APPOINTED BY GOD

TO BEAR FRUIT


ACTS 1: 8 I AM A PERSONAL, SPIRIT-EMPOWERED

WITNESS OF CHRIST'S


1 COR 3: 16 I AM GOD'S TEMPLE


2 COR 5: 17 I AM A MINISTER OF RECONCILIATION FOR GOD


2 COR 6: 1 I AM GOD'S CO-WORKER


EPH 2: 6 I AM SEATED WITH CHRIST IN HEAVENLY REALMS


EPH 2: 10 I AM GOD'S WORKMANSHIP, CREATED FOR

FOR GOOD WORKS


EPH 3: 12 I MAY APPROACH GOD WITH FREEDOM

AND CONFIDENCE

Friday, 27 June 2008

THIS IS MY JESUS!!

Jewel for your crown
Eternal light for those in darkness
Saviour for the lost
Unbeaten Champion life giver
Sustainer for those who are weak
Companion for the lonely
And comfort for the sad
Habit for the addict
Healer of body, mind and spirit
Reason for the season
I AM THAT I AM
Shining example of how to live
Not just exist
Truth, the whole truth
And nothing but the truth


(Author Unknown)

Thursday, 26 June 2008

FATHER'S LOVE LETTER

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
.



(Reproduced from www.fathersloveletter.com)


Wednesday, 25 June 2008

NO JACKET REQUIRED

I shook my head in disbelief, this couldn’t be the right place. After all, I couldn’t possibly be welcome here. I had been given an invitation several times, by several different people, and I had finally decided to see what this place was all about. But this couldn’t be the right place. Quickly I glanced down at the invitation that I clutched in my hand. I scanned past the words, “Come as you are. No jacket required.” and found the location. Yes, I was at the right place. I peered through the window again and saw a room of people whose faces seemed to glow with joy. All were neatly dressed, adorned in fine garments and appeared strangely clean as they dined at this exquisite restaurant. Ashamed, I looked down at my own tattered and torn clothing, covered in stains. I was dirty, in fact, filthy. A foul smell seemed to consume me and I couldn’t shake the grime that clung to my body. As I turned around to leave, the words from the invitation seemed to leap out at me . . . “Come as you are. No jacket required.” I decided to give it a shot. Mustering up every bit of courage I could find, I opened the door to this restaurant and walked up to a man standing behind a podium. Your name, sir?” he asked me with a smile. “Jimmy D. Brown” I mumbled without looking up. I thrust my hands deep into my pockets, hoping to conceal their stains.

He didn’t seem to notice the filth that I was covered in and he continued, “Very good, sir a table is reserved in your name, would you like to be seated?”

I couldn’t believe what I heard! A grin broke out on my face and I said “Yes, of course!”

He led me to a table, and sure enough, there was a place-card with my name written on it in a deep, dark red. As I browsed over a menu, I saw many delightful items listed. There were things like ‘peace’, ‘joy’, ‘blessings’, ‘confidence’, ‘assurance’, ‘hope’, ‘love’, ‘faith’ and ‘mercy’. I realised that this was no ordinary restaurant! I flipped the menu back to the front in order to see where I was at . . . . “God’s Grace” was the name of this place.

The man returned and said “recommend the ‘Special of the Day’. With it you are entitled to heaping portions of everything on this menu.”

You’ve got to be kidding! I thought to myself. You mean I can have ALL of this?! “What is the ‘Special of the Day’?” I asked with excitement in my voice.

Salvation” was his reply.

“I’ll take it” I practically cried out. Then, as quickly as I made that statement, the joy left my body. A sick painful ache jerked through my stomach and tears filled my eyes. Between my sobs I said . . . . “Mister, look at me, I’m dirty and nasty. I am unclean and unworthy of such things. I’d love to have all of this, but, but, I just can’t afford it.”

Undaunted, the man smiled again. Sir, your check has already been taken care of by that gentleman over there he said as he pointed to the front of the room. His name is Jesus”

Turning, I saw a man whose very presence seemed to light the room. He was almost too much to look at. I found myself walking towards Him and in a shaking voice I whispered, “Sir, I’ll wash the dishes or sweep the floors or take out the trash. I’ll do anything I can do to repay You for all this.”

He opened His arms and said with a smile “Son, all of this is yours if you just come unto me. Ask me to clean you up and I will. Ask me to allow you to feast at my table and you will eat. Remember, the table is reserved in your name. All you must do is accept this gift that I offer you.”

Astonished, I fell at His feet and said “Please, Jesus, please clean up my life. Please change me and sit me at your table and give me this new life.”

Immediately I heard the words “It is finished”.

I looked down and white robes adorned my body. Something strange and wonderful had happened. I felt new, like a weight had been lifted and I found myself seated at His table.

The ‘Special of the Day’ has been served”. The Lord said to me. Salvation is yours”. We sat and talked for a great while and I so enjoyed the time that I spent with Him. He told me, me of all people, that He would like for me to come back as often as I liked for another helping from God’s Grace. He made it clear that He wanted me to spend as much time with Him as possible.

As it drew near time for me to go back outside into the “real world” He whispered to me softly, “and lo I am with you always.” And then He said something to me that I will never forget. He said . . . “My child, do you see these empty tables?” “Yes Lord I see them, what do they mean?” I replied.

“These are reserved tables . . . but the individuals whose names are on each place-card have not accepted their invitation yet. Would you be so kind as to hand out these invitations to those who have not joined us as yet?” Jesus asked.

“Of course” I said with excitement as I picked up the invitations. Go therefore into all nations” He said as I turned to leave.

I walked into God’s Grace dirty and hungry, stained in sin. My righteousness as filthy rags. And Jesus cleaned me up. I walked out a brand new man . . robed in white, His righteousness. And so, I’ll keep my promise to my Lord. I’ll go, I’ll spread the word. I’ll share the Gospel . . . I’ll hand out the invitations. And I’ll start with you. Have you been to God’s Grace? There’s a table reserved in your name, and here’s your invitation . . . “Come as you are. No jacket required.”


(Author Unknown, reproduced from www.promiseofgod/nojacket)

POEM - YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL

In all the world there is nobody, nobody like you. Since the beginning of time there has never been another person like you. Nobody has your smile, your eyes, your hands, your hair. Nobody owns your handwriting, your voice. YOU’RE SPECIAL! Nobody can paint your brushstrokes. Nobody has your taste for food, music, dance or art. Nobody in the universe sees things as you do. In all time there has never been anyone who laughs in exactly your way and what makes you laugh or cry or think, may have a totally different response in another. So – you’re special. You’re different from any other person who has ever lived in the history of the universe.


You are the only one in the whole creation who has your particular set of abilities. There is always someone who is better at one thing or another. Every person is your superior in at least one way. Nobody in the universe can reach the quality of the combination of your talents, your feelings. Like a roomful of musical instruments some might excel in one way or another, but nobody can match the symphonic sound when all are played together. YOUR SYMPHONY! Through all eternity no one will ever walk, talk, think or do exactly like you. You’re rare and in all rarity there is enormous value, and because of your great value the need for you to imitate anyone else is absolutely wrong.


YOU’RE SPECIAL

AND IT IS

NO ACCIDENT THAT YOU ARE


Please realise that God made you for a purpose. He has a job for you to do that nobody else can do as well as you can. Out of the billions of applicants only one is qualified. Only one has the unique and right combination of what it takes and that one is YOU.


YOU’RE SPECIAL

POEM - HEAR MY HEART

Fi, my dear child, my precious child, I love you, I love you, love you

Believe it or not, I have always loved you, come listen, hear my heart

Before you, my child, were born I knew you, oh and how I loved you

As you were knitted together in the darkness of your mother’s womb

I saw you, I made you as you are, I know you as you are, you are beautiful

To me, I really like you as you are, I just love you as you are, don’t doubt

Please don’t doubt my words. Fi you don’t have to do anything you know

My love is strictly NOT, I repeat NOT, conditional, it is totally UNCONDITIONAL

Learn to accept and then to rest in the safety and security of my love for you

My love for you is not a fickle thing, it is so solid my precious daughter

It is real, deep, passionate, alive. I long for you my child to get to know me

You are so so precious to me, I am your perfect parent, you are safe with me

I am not like your human parents, I will never ever hurt you like they did

Or use you, or dump you, or let you down, you can rest secure in that truth

Fi, run into my arms, let me hold you, let me love you, oh please just let me

Go on let me embrace you, let me whisper in your ear words of love, security,

Affirmation, assurance, I seriously promise you I will never reject you

For you belong to me, you’ve always belonged to me, don’t be afraid

Your security is in the strength, reality the safety of my unconditional love

Which is yours always; stretching right into eternity itself, I really do mean this

I have called you Fiona, my fair one, by name; I know you Fiona by your name, fair one

I know you inside out, I love you, I accept you as you are, I just want you to be you

I have only good intentions for you, I have only good plans for you my precious child

Come to me, come, it’s okay, draw close, you’re safe, let me love and protect you

Come to me, stop running, sit down at my feet, relax, rest your head on my lap, it’s safe

Learn from me, trust me, let me in, let me speak to you, let me reassure you and love you

Let me clean and bind up those wounds, let me bring my healing touch to those wounds

Fiona, do not be afraid of me, I mean it when I say that you are safe, please believe it

Let me cuddle you, I desire an intimacy with you which is not violating and will heal

Do not fear that intimacy, it is a different intimacy that you experienced with your father

Don’t run away from it, for it is in that intimacy that you will find true deep healing

I mean only good things for you my child, only the best, I want only the very best for you

Fi, listen, I mean only the best for you, I really do have great plans for you, I do!

I have plans to heal you, not to harm you, I have plans which will give you hope and

Most of all, a future. I have plans which will cause your enemies to acknowledge

That my hand in on your life, that I am real, and that you do have value and a calling

Just come to me as you are, find rest in my presence, find out that intimacy can be okay

I know you think words are cheap, let me show you that I am always true to my word

Let me be the wind under your wings, let me be your reason for living, and I will give

To you a purpose for living, vision and passion, and most of all healing and wholeness

Fiona my precious child, my precious daughter, I love you, I love you, I love you

25th June 2008

POEM - FATHER GOD FATHER HEART

Father, God, Dad, is it okay for me to call you that?

You are holy, awesome, and powerful, but yet

Desire to have relationship with me, your child

I’m sorry that I don’t really understand your passion

To have a vibrant and intimate relationship with me

I cannot see you; I cannot reach out and touch you

You are my invisible companion who is always there

I feel your presence with me so many many times

But yet don’t really understand the depth of your love

Or the compassion for me in the depths of your heart

You know that the failures and cruelty of my biological father

Make it very difficult, if not impossible, for me to accept your love

But I want to know you better; I really need to know you better

Yet I find it so difficult to take in the reality of your love

That you hunger to be in relationship with me, your daughter

You made me, you delight in me, and you know me inside out

You accept me and yearn for me to receive your free gift of love

You do not violate me though; you simply offer me the choice

I’m sorry that I’ve rejected your love often and hurt you so much

Let’s explore together the totality of the love within your heart

Father, God, Dad, you are my father, the perfect father, parent me

You have always been there in everything I have been through

I accept your love; help us to grow together so that I may heal

I accept your desire for intimacy and your call to relationship

Thanks for being there, simply loving me, never giving up on me

22nd Feb 1998

POEM - YOU'RE ALWAYS THERE

In a beautiful sunset, on a starry night, in the calm after a storm

At sunrise as I lie in bed listening to the birds singing away

In the mighty grandeur of rugged mountain scenery

On those desolate moors, windswept tors and mighty summits

As butterflies roam, eagles soar, bugs creep and insects buzz

Watching the moon shedding its light on a dark dark night

I see the awesome beauty and vast array of your creativity

And sense the paradox of your mighty and yet calm presence

In the embrace of a friend which simply says hey I missed you

Sorry to see you go, or even hey it’s just great to see you

In the joy of companionship and the kiss of relationship

As an animal cuddles into my arms, nuzzles into my neck

In abandoned unadulterated trust of the safety of my embrace

When a long awaited letter is waiting silently on the mat

Or the familiar voice of a beloved friend is on the phone

It reminds me of your companionship and your acceptance

When I erupted into this world to be isolated in an incubator

For such a long time after being torn from my mother’s womb

As my mother constantly treated me as her personal punch bag

And that night of my ninth birthday when dad first raped me

As Stu emulated my parents and knocked ten bells out of me

When David, Grandad and my teacher abused and molested me

Waking often with Grandmother pushing pillows on my face, suffocating me

As mum and dad beat me up, kicked me out into the snow, left me for dead

You were there, you saw it all, you will never reject or violate me

Those childhood holidays in Scotland and the Yorkshire dales

At Killarney in the oppressive heat of the gap of dunloe

In the wild beauty of Skye, Stornoway and the inner Hebrides

On my many camping trips, d’u remember that very dark night

When my tent floated down the hill in the middle of that rainstorm?

You saved my life when I was dragged right under the propeller

Of that stolen speedboat in the middle of lake Windermere

You were there, and I am reminded of your loving protection

Even during my wild days at college and in the travel trade

When cider, Bacardi, lager and other alcoholic beverages

Were used to drown out the pain, anger and crying inside

In later years when in therapy I was drowning in the agony

And kept trying to die, you simply would not let me succeed

In taking my own life, cos you wanted to see me through it

Cos you actually do have some use and purpose for me

Your amazing grace has so often saved me from myself

At times you have drawn so close to me, your daughter

That all I can do is fall on my face and weep hot tears

Partly in awe at your presence, partly at the desolateness

Of my pain, and partly from joy that I am so special to you

That you come and spend time with me because you want to

Never violating my will, always accepting me simply as I am

Oh God, you have been so good to me in so many many ways

Thanks for always being there, and for filling my life with you

11th March 1998

POEM - MUM

This is Fiona calling, the daughter that you disowned

I’ve got a few questions to ask you, not out of spite but

To try to make sense of you, me, all of us, what happened

You’re not going to like the questions I’m about to ask

But I have just got to ask them, I don’t mean to hurt you

I just want to, no, need to, ask because I am hurting

And confused and trying to pick up the myriad of pieces

Of my life, put them together, so I can heal and move on

You know you always said I wasn’t wanted and was an accident

Then why did you go full term with the pregnancy huh?

I’m sorry I wasn’t up to expectations, but I didn’t have any say

About whether I turned out to be a boy or a girl

I reckon all that time in the sick baby unit, us separated

Had an awful lot to do with the fact we never bonded

But it isn’t just that we didn’t bond, it’s more than that

You seemed to hate me, resent me, right from the beginning

Why were you so consistently violent towards me, your child?

Why did you constantly criticise me and undermine me?

Why could you never compliment me or encourage me?

Why did you constantly tell me I’d never do, be, or achieve anything?

Do you realise you never allowed me to get a sense of self worth?

Why were you never gentle with me? You were so rough and hard

I couldn’t ever do or say or be anything to please you

How could you lie in bed in the next room hearing and ignoring

My screams and crying every night as dad raped me, oh and the rest?

And then that Christmas when you did intervene, why oh why

Did you side with dad and blame me? You just didn’t realise or

Seem to understand that I didn’t ask for it, go looking for it

I had no control over all those things which dad did to me

I was only a child, nine years old when he first raped me

And nearly twelve when you stopped it, not even into my teens, and then

For the next eight years you tortured me till you beat me up and kicked me out

Every time something happened it was always my fault and I’d get a beating

Those kangaroo courts you held, where you were both judge and jury

And me standing in the middle of the room terrified and exposed

You sat on the end of the sofa by the wall, dad on the side chair, and Stu sent

Upstairs because ‘what was about to happen was too distressing for him to witness’

Yes your words; I was always guilty, I had no say in my defence, none to speak for me

And the punishment always the same too, need I remind you? So humiliating

To be stripped and have to stand there while you laughed and laughed

Then you sat and watched my humiliation, laughing as you told dad

Where and how hard to hit me, and what to use to hit me with

It was never hard enough, but was always harder, harder, oh

The humiliation you put me through, you know I always felt

That you were punishing me for what happened between me and dad

It wasn’t just the humiliation, but the pain of those deliberate hits

Yet not once was I allowed to cry out or to ask you to stop . . and if I did

You just made it far far worse for me, it was planned, systematic

How could you be so cruel to your own flesh and blood?

How could you be so inhuman and uncaring for your own child?

How could you go to church each week and be so pious and righteous

How could you go and tell all those lies to all who asked after my welfare?

How could you teach other kids and be nice to them, then be go home and be

Cruel to your own? How could you even pretend to call yourself a mother?

How could you be so interesting in covering your own tracks by humiliating me?

How could you abuse, violate, humiliate, beat up, torture and then disown me?

I am and have always been, in name, your child, your daughter

All I ever wanted, needed, was your love, your affirmation, your acceptance

But yet that love, affirmation and acceptance were the very things

That you seemed totally and completely unwilling to give me, your daughter

Why did you hate me so much? Was I really that much of a bother?

What happened to you to make you so unwilling to love, so hard, so cruel?

Why is it that you seem to have to control, and be in control of everyone

You come into contact with? Don’t you realise how destructive it is?

I am flesh of your flesh, we belong to each other you know, like it or not

I am your daughter, your child, I do exist, contrary to your words when

You kicked me out. All I ever needed was your love, affirmation and support

All I ever needed was to belong, but you rejected me, but yet at the same time

That you were incapable of those things, you were very very capable of

Cruelty, violence, humiliation, blame shifting, scape goating, and the rest

It’s too much to ask of you to love me now, too much has passed between us

But I sure would be grateful for some answers one day, if that’s not too much to ask

14th April 1998

POEM - LOST IN THE MAZE

Twisting, turning, agonising, thirsty, hungry, panicky

Walking, running, crawling, walking, running, crawling

Going round in circles, inside a maze, can’t find a way out

High hedges block the view, where is the exit?

No maps to show the way, no guidebooks, where’s me guide gone?

He said He’d show me the way and now He’s vanished, hellooooooo

Can someone show me the way please, I’ve somehow got lost

Where are you? Help! Resting, running, breathless

Stitch in side, ouch that hurts, sit down, try to figure it out

Try again, walk slowly, swallowing rising panic and fear

Start to run, no, better to take it slow than I may not miss

The way to go, spy a gap in the hedge, sunlight, fresh air

That looks like it, no just find another bit of the maze

Hmm, okay, don’t panic, just keep going, there He is

Swallow my anger at feeling deserted, but manage to ask

Where the blazes did you get to? Why did you leave me alone?

“I didn’t leave you alone, I was here all the time!” Huh?

What d’you mean by that, anger starts to rise within me

You vanished, you left me, get lost! Don’t play games with me!

“No, my child, your fear and panic blinded you to my presence

You were peacefully following in my footsteps for a while

And then seemed to lose confidence, seemed to lose your trust

In me . . . it’s okay, just follow my footprints, I’ll get you out”

24th March 1998

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

POEM - MY FRIEND

My friend I want to give you a little hope

Feel free to borrow mine if you like

It is possible to heal up, to move on, to start again

You won't hurt like this forever, I promise

My friend I want you to know a little truth

That it won't hurt like this for the rest of your life

I promise you, you can find hope, freedom, healing

It is possible, but not an easy road to travel along

My friend you don't have to stay a victim

You don't even have to stay as a survivor

You don't have to take your own life, there is a way

You will one day walk out into the sunlight

My friend I want you to know you are not alone

One day you will become strong in the broken places

You will start to live as you've never lived before

But the journey is hard, painful, lonely, but worth it

My friend I want you to know that others can show you

How it is possible to walk through the pain

That it is possible to come out the other side

That it is definitely possible to feel clean again

My friend lean on your friends, get some support

Don't be afraid to cry, shout, scream or ask hard questions

Please accept the hope that I am offering you

One day your life won't seem pointless or be full of pain

My friend the pain won't stay so raw forever

One day you will discover that you can laugh

That you can objectively discuss what happened

Without feeling overwhelmed or in a million pieces

My friend there will come a day sometime in the future

When you can actually get on with your life

Without your abuse filling every single thought and second

Without memories intruding on your present reality

My friend the darkness will not last forever

One day will come the most beautiful dawn

When you will be able to turn your hell into good

To help others make their journeys towards wholeness

My friend you will never be able to forget

Wholeness is a journey, not a destination

You'll have bad days and nights, good days and nights

But one day you will find that you can smile

My friend you are a beautiful, valuable person

None of it was ever your fault

Borrow my hope for as long as you need it

Then pass it on with your own to someone else

6th Dec 1999

POEM - I AM WHAT I AM

Please don't silence me. Please don't judge me. Please don't reject me. Please don't patronise me. I am being honest with myself. I want to be honest with you. Just one negative word or move would send me fleeing for cover.

All of my life I have lived a lie. Tried to pretend I'm something I am not. Tried to ignore it, cos it's scary, what I know. To be true, very true, the real me. If only you knew the agony of spirit I've gone through to reach this point. Maybe then you'd be slow to judge and quick to try to understand.

Can I ask have you ever wondered? Can I ask have you ever thought? Can I ask have you ever considered? Why I am never interested in men? Are you going to be there for me? Or are your beliefs and prejudices more important to you than simply being there as a friend?

Please don't question me. Please don't put me on the defensive. Please don't close up your heart. Please just simply listen to me. Please don't shout at me. Please don't get upset. Please don't tell me I'm wrong. Please just be there for me.

Please just love me as I am. Please just accept me as I am. Please don't try to force me to be something that I am not. I need you to listen in silence, I need you to support me, I need you to treat me the same as you've always treated me.

I know you may find my words disturbing. I know you may find my words upsetting. I know you may find it all very difficult, but, please, don't lash out at me. You may not be able to understand. You may not be able to accept it. You may not be able to understand why, but please, please, don't ask me why

I don't want to live a lie anymore but it feels risky to do anything else. If you really knew what I am would you reject me out of hand? Can I really be open with you? Am I really really safe with you? Can I really open up my heart to you? And still be safe with you afterwards?

You see, the truth isn't very easy to speak. It isn't easy to find the words. I need to say what I am trying to say. It is painful to say what I really need to. You see, I am not what you think I am. I am not what you assume me to be. The real me is very very different from how you may imagine me to be.

I spose you're wishing I'd stop rambling. I spose you're wishing I'd just spit it out. What can be so bad that you can't tell? The problem is I need to know it'll be okay. Cos you see the thing is quite simply that well, erm, I am gay. There I've said it, I've exposed the real me. And I'm still me, I haven't changed

Just faced up to the truth about myself. It's nothing new, I've known it all my life, that I'm not heterosexual, I'm not 'normal'. But what does that matter in the scheme of things? Quite simply, my sexual identity is not 'normal'. I am celibate, figuring it out, I am still me. I just know what I identify with, can't ignore it any longer.

3rd Feb 1999