I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Tuesday, 24 June 2008


This is the story of my fight to make sense of life and to recover from a breakdown, the causes of which lay in a past of incest, child abuse, sadistic violence, hatred, homelessness and hopelessness. It is also the story of an amazing journey towards wholeness and healing. It may seem bleak and hopeless at times. But God is now shining the light of heaven into that blackness. This story actually has no ending . . . any ending I may have written keeps being re-written. I sense I’ll always be adding to it.

In writing I aim to give hope that it is possible to live again, it is possible to recover, it is possible to trust, it is possible to love, it is possible to be vulnerable, it is possible to rebuild, however shattered you may be.

I have tried to give only necessary details. I hope I’ve managed to tell the story avoiding gratuitous detail. It is always difficult when re-telling events of this magnitude. There are no easy answers or quick fixes, but there is a way through.

As a lifelong Liverpool F.C. fan I treasure the following song, originally written and composed by Rodgers & Hammerstein, which has echoed around the terraces and stands of Anfield many a match day for decades:-

"When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the dark.

At the end of the storm is a golden sky and the sweet silver song of the lark.

Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain.

Though your dreams be tossed and blown.

Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone."

These words have become a motto for my life.

Most of all, I am now discovering that actually I have never walked alone and do not walk alone. Everything I experienced and endured Jesus also experienced and endured with me, and felt it all even more deeply and even more painfully then I ever have done. And that is the most precious thing I am learning along my pathway to healing.

It is a long hard road to recovery and the point where you can begin to live again. You can do it. You are very special, unique and definitely worth it.

Please don't give up, I guess I just want you to know there is hope.


As I sigh I look up into the dark sky above
Suddenly I see a snow white dove, the bird of love
Is this a sign of hope and peace?
My inner turmoil and pain decrease

Come on little dove, fly closer, let me see you
She draws near to me, she is so beautiful and free
But, oh, as I take a closer look I see
How her wings have been broken

My hopes are suddenly stolen
Who has done such a terrible thing?
From a distance my dove was lovely, perfect
Now up close she is so broken, but yet
things like porcelain do get broken

My life is just a shadow of this, a small token
Who will mend my broken wings?
We all cry when fragile things break
The human heart is like this, we take and take

The tapestry of life is so delicately interwoven
Yet is also so easily shattered and torn
Let's unravel it then, restitch, to see the picture as it ought to be
So, on the wings of a snow white dove

I look up again and see this bird of love
Peace fills me, she is whole, mended
Soaring high in the sky, content: as I have traded
My hurt in, this'll be me one day!

16th Oct 1992

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

As the song says:
"I've traded my sorrow, I've traded my pain, I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord."

Oh, the joy of the Lord is soooo much better!!

To Fi, blessings from,
Ree (SCalifBattleCry)