This is the story of my fight to make sense of life and to recover from a breakdown, the causes of which lay in a past of incest, child abuse, sadistic violence, hatred, homelessness and hopelessness. It is also the story of an amazing journey towards wholeness and healing. It may seem bleak and hopeless at times. But God is now shining the light of heaven into that blackness. This story actually has no ending . . . any ending I may have written keeps being re-written. I sense I’ll always be adding to it.
In writing I aim to give hope that it is possible to live again, it is possible to recover, it is possible to trust, it is possible to love, it is possible to be vulnerable, it is possible to rebuild, however shattered you may be.
I have tried to give only necessary details. I hope I’ve managed to tell the story avoiding gratuitous detail. It is always difficult when re-telling events of this magnitude. There are no easy answers or quick fixes, but there is a way through.
As a lifelong Liverpool F.C. fan I treasure the following song, originally written and composed by Rodgers & Hammerstein, which has echoed around the terraces and stands of Anfield many a match day for decades:-
"When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm is a golden sky and the sweet silver song of the lark.
Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain.
Though your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone."
These words have become a motto for my life.
Most of all, I am now discovering that actually I have never walked alone and do not walk alone. Everything I experienced and endured Jesus also experienced and endured with me, and felt it all even more deeply and even more painfully then I ever have done. And that is the most precious thing I am learning along my pathway to healing.
It is a long hard road to recovery and the point where you can begin to live again. You can do it. You are very special, unique and definitely worth it.
Please don't give up, I guess I just want you to know there is hope.
THE SNOW WHITE DOVE
Suddenly I see a snow white dove, the bird of love
Is this a sign of hope and peace?
My inner turmoil and pain decrease
Come on little dove, fly closer, let me see you
She draws near to me, she is so beautiful and free
But, oh, as I take a closer look I see
How her wings have been broken
My hopes are suddenly stolen
Who has done such a terrible thing?
From a distance my dove was lovely, perfect
Now up close she is so broken, but yet
things like porcelain do get broken
My life is just a shadow of this, a small token
Who will mend my broken wings?
We all cry when fragile things break
The human heart is like this, we take and take
The tapestry of life is so delicately interwoven
Yet is also so easily shattered and torn
Let's unravel it then, restitch, to see the picture as it ought to be
So, on the wings of a snow white dove
I look up again and see this bird of love
Peace fills me, she is whole, mended
Soaring high in the sky, content: as I have traded
My hurt in, this'll be me one day!
16th Oct 1992