I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Tuesday, 24 June 2008


Please don't silence me. Please don't judge me. Please don't reject me. Please don't patronise me. I am being honest with myself. I want to be honest with you. Just one negative word or move would send me fleeing for cover.

All of my life I have lived a lie. Tried to pretend I'm something I am not. Tried to ignore it, cos it's scary, what I know. To be true, very true, the real me. If only you knew the agony of spirit I've gone through to reach this point. Maybe then you'd be slow to judge and quick to try to understand.

Can I ask have you ever wondered? Can I ask have you ever thought? Can I ask have you ever considered? Why I am never interested in men? Are you going to be there for me? Or are your beliefs and prejudices more important to you than simply being there as a friend?

Please don't question me. Please don't put me on the defensive. Please don't close up your heart. Please just simply listen to me. Please don't shout at me. Please don't get upset. Please don't tell me I'm wrong. Please just be there for me.

Please just love me as I am. Please just accept me as I am. Please don't try to force me to be something that I am not. I need you to listen in silence, I need you to support me, I need you to treat me the same as you've always treated me.

I know you may find my words disturbing. I know you may find my words upsetting. I know you may find it all very difficult, but, please, don't lash out at me. You may not be able to understand. You may not be able to accept it. You may not be able to understand why, but please, please, don't ask me why

I don't want to live a lie anymore but it feels risky to do anything else. If you really knew what I am would you reject me out of hand? Can I really be open with you? Am I really really safe with you? Can I really open up my heart to you? And still be safe with you afterwards?

You see, the truth isn't very easy to speak. It isn't easy to find the words. I need to say what I am trying to say. It is painful to say what I really need to. You see, I am not what you think I am. I am not what you assume me to be. The real me is very very different from how you may imagine me to be.

I spose you're wishing I'd stop rambling. I spose you're wishing I'd just spit it out. What can be so bad that you can't tell? The problem is I need to know it'll be okay. Cos you see the thing is quite simply that well, erm, I am gay. There I've said it, I've exposed the real me. And I'm still me, I haven't changed

Just faced up to the truth about myself. It's nothing new, I've known it all my life, that I'm not heterosexual, I'm not 'normal'. But what does that matter in the scheme of things? Quite simply, my sexual identity is not 'normal'. I am celibate, figuring it out, I am still me. I just know what I identify with, can't ignore it any longer.

3rd Feb 1999

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of the song that Evangelist Billy Graham would always have his choir of worshippers sing at every altar call . . . "Just As I Am."

Yes, Jesus beckons us to come just as we are . . . He loves us with His Life. He gave His "all" for us. "Greater love has no man than that he lay down his life for another." Thank You Jesus for laying down Your life for all of us. Your Holy Spirit teaches us, guides us, and brings us to understanding Your will and word in all things. Thank You Holy Spirit! Rain down! on us all!

Blessings, dear Fi,
Ree (SCalifBattleCry)