I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Wednesday, 25 June 2008


In a beautiful sunset, on a starry night, in the calm after a storm

At sunrise as I lie in bed listening to the birds singing away

In the mighty grandeur of rugged mountain scenery

On those desolate moors, windswept tors and mighty summits

As butterflies roam, eagles soar, bugs creep and insects buzz

Watching the moon shedding its light on a dark dark night

I see the awesome beauty and vast array of your creativity

And sense the paradox of your mighty and yet calm presence

In the embrace of a friend which simply says hey I missed you

Sorry to see you go, or even hey it’s just great to see you

In the joy of companionship and the kiss of relationship

As an animal cuddles into my arms, nuzzles into my neck

In abandoned unadulterated trust of the safety of my embrace

When a long awaited letter is waiting silently on the mat

Or the familiar voice of a beloved friend is on the phone

It reminds me of your companionship and your acceptance

When I erupted into this world to be isolated in an incubator

For such a long time after being torn from my mother’s womb

As my mother constantly treated me as her personal punch bag

And that night of my ninth birthday when dad first raped me

As Stu emulated my parents and knocked ten bells out of me

When David, Grandad and my teacher abused and molested me

Waking often with Grandmother pushing pillows on my face, suffocating me

As mum and dad beat me up, kicked me out into the snow, left me for dead

You were there, you saw it all, you will never reject or violate me

Those childhood holidays in Scotland and the Yorkshire dales

At Killarney in the oppressive heat of the gap of dunloe

In the wild beauty of Skye, Stornoway and the inner Hebrides

On my many camping trips, d’u remember that very dark night

When my tent floated down the hill in the middle of that rainstorm?

You saved my life when I was dragged right under the propeller

Of that stolen speedboat in the middle of lake Windermere

You were there, and I am reminded of your loving protection

Even during my wild days at college and in the travel trade

When cider, Bacardi, lager and other alcoholic beverages

Were used to drown out the pain, anger and crying inside

In later years when in therapy I was drowning in the agony

And kept trying to die, you simply would not let me succeed

In taking my own life, cos you wanted to see me through it

Cos you actually do have some use and purpose for me

Your amazing grace has so often saved me from myself

At times you have drawn so close to me, your daughter

That all I can do is fall on my face and weep hot tears

Partly in awe at your presence, partly at the desolateness

Of my pain, and partly from joy that I am so special to you

That you come and spend time with me because you want to

Never violating my will, always accepting me simply as I am

Oh God, you have been so good to me in so many many ways

Thanks for always being there, and for filling my life with you

11th March 1998


Anonymous said...

FI, ABSOLUTELY astonishing. I am amazed at this blog site. I know it was a God thing for certain, I am sure because of your diligence may God reward you greatly for encouraging others with YOUR words.

Blessings. Spiritual Vibes, Teresa

Anonymous said...

Here I am in tears after reading this addition to your blog. It was as if I was "there" . . . with each line as you described every event with such vivd imagery!

You are gifted to bring out the reality of pain and yet the faithfulness of our God. This truly is a gift!!

Thank you once again Fi, for your courage and for sharing your innermost thoughts and emotions. You help others to be healed.

Blessings with love,

Ree (SCalifBattleCry)