I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

I AM . . . . IN HIM

I am in Jesus so I have the mind of Christ so that means that I wasn’t given a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind which makes me an overcomer and how do I overcome? I overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of MY testimony. As an overcomer I am more than a conqueror because I am in him seated in heavenly places at the right hand of God in the place of highest authority. Because I am in Jesus I am filled with the fruits of the spirit, He chose and appointed me to bear fruit. I will bear fruit because I am a branch of the true vine, Jesus. As I am seated in heavenly places I am a citizen of heaven and as a citizen of heaven I may approach God with freedom and confidence as I have direct access through the Holy Spirit.

There is NO condemnation in me because I am in Christ which means that I am blameless in His sight, and I am forever free from condemnation. As I am free from any condemning charges against me I am a minister of reconciliation for God. Also, as I am in Christ I am an heir of God and fellow heir with Jesus who is with me now because He says He will never leave me nor forsake me. Because Jesus is with me I can do ALL things through Christ who gives ME strength, which means that I can find grace and mercy in time of need. His strength enables me to be a personal, spirit empowered witness of Christ’s, as His co-worker. I am also Jesus’s friend.

I was made by God, who knit me together in my mother’s womb. This means that I am God’s child, as I am born of God. I was chosen before the foundation of the world, therefore I am chosen of God and precious to Him; a lamb belonging to God’s own pasture whom Jesus, MY shepherd, carries home safely around His shoulders. I am safe because I follow my shepherd. I know His voice, a stranger’s voice I will not follow. I have been adopted as God’s child into His family; therefore I belong as I am member of Christ’s body. This means that I am complete in Him and need search no more, for I have been established, anointed and sealed by God, I am hidden with Christ in God.

I am a saint because I have been redeemed and forgiven all my sins. I have been bought with a price, I have been justified and I have been united with the Lord which means that I am one with Him in spirit. I am loved by God which means that I can be confident that all things work together for good for all those who love Him. The Lord will perfect all things which concern me. So in all my ways I acknowledge Him and He directs my path. I let the word of God dwell in me richly in all wisdom so I have the wisdom of God in all things. Because I have all wisdom I am the head and not the tail, which means that I am above all things and not below ruling with the authority which Jesus gives to me.

I delight myself in the Lord and He gives me the desires of my heart. I have no needs because God supplies all I have need of according to His riches in glory, which I have full access to. It is given to me in full measure, pressed down and running over. I do not want because Jesus my shepherd was made poor that I might have abundance. I have all sufficiency of all things because Jesus came that I might have LIFE and have it abundantly. So I trust in the Lord with ALL my heart and do not lean to my own understanding. No one can be against me because God is on my side and God is in me. I cannot be separated from God’s love because God is for me NOT against me. So I let the peace of God rule in my heart and I REFUSE to worry about anything.

No weapon formed against me shall prosper for I am righteous, because Jesus is my righteousness. Whatever I do shall prosper because I am like a tree planted by rivers of water. I have authority to use Jesus’s name, what I bind on earth is bound in heaven, that which I loose on earth is loosed in heaven. I take up my shield of faith and I quench every single accusation the evil one fires at me. No accusation against me shall stand because I speak the truth at all times and walk in truth, wearing the belt of truth at all times. I walk in peace at all times because Jesus is my peace and I wear my helmet of salvation which protects my mind against all the lies and accusations of the evil one which would unsettle it. I wield my double edged sword, the word of God which dwells in my heart richly. I meditate upon the word of God day and night, it is my food.

I am increasing in the knowledge of God. I am strengthened with ALL might. The joy of the Lord is my strength, therefore the Lord is the strength of my life. I am strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. I pray in the spirit at all times unceasingly. I am alert and persistent in my prayers at all times for I am not fighting against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities of the unseen world. God’s grace is eternally on me because I love Jesus. And finally because I am in Him I am confident that the good work that God has begun in me will be perfect and complete.

22nd July 2008

Wednesday, 16 July 2008


My child you are beautiful and precious and good very good i love you with all my heart you are very good can i sing to you?

Yes you can

you are my child and I love you you are my child and I love you you are safe here you are safe here you are my child and I love you you are safe

you are my child and I love you you are my child and I love you you are safe here you are safe here you are my child and I love you you are safe here you are safe here you are my child and I love you you are safe here

you are safe here my precious daughter my precious daughter that's it

relax you are safe here you are safe here because I love you and I want to heal you I want to soothe you I am pleased with you you are so good

so very very good you are a good little girl a very good little girl a very good little girl a very precious little girl who I just love to hold and pour my love into my precious child you are safe now I want you to feel safe I love you so much I love you so much

you are my child and I love you I love you you are safe now yes you are safe now

My child I have been watching over you looking out for you protecting you I will always be here watching out for you

14th July 2008

Tuesday, 15 July 2008


I am gazing up at the miriads of stars and galaxies it is so clear the moon is shining bright it’s nearly a full moon

when you gaze at a tiny star and think oh that's just a tiny little star it isn't so much went into making that star and so much goes into keeping it sitting where it is sat that little star is so vital but so tiny in the vast scheme of things we can think about ourselves oh that's just little ole me but so much went into making little ole me and little ole you that yes in the vast scheme of things we are but a bit of dust but we may be little but we are so vital and important just like that little star if that little star dropped out of place it would affect so many other little stars and the planet it is attached to the knock on effect of that one little star dropping out of place would be like a tsunami in space which would upset how space works just one little tiny star isn't that awesome?

and yet who is man that you are mindful of him? like that little star if I was to drop out of place the ripple effect would be enormous but its not me holding me in place it is God God is in control

so actually I shouldn't fear dropping out of place because he isn't going to let me because it's his job not mine I just have to keep on shining away like that little star and leave him to worry about how to stop me falling out of the sky do you catch my drift? and believe it or not I do shine I might need a bit of a buff up every so often but I am that little star shining in the sky there

13th July 2008


Since posting “The Cost of Disclosing” I have gone through a time of immense trauma. It was a huge step to publish Chapter 2 of my autobiography. Although a lot of pain came to the surface, breaking my long held silence has been a good thing too. A deeper level of healing is beginning and I am feeling a freedom inside too. The darkness isn’t quite so dark, and the fear isn’t quite so paralyzing. It has taken a good week or so but I am now able to start to pick up the pieces and move on.

The following is a transcript of Jesus’s words to me on 11th July 2008 when I was feeling immense pain, asking deep questions and going through some healing. I hope these words minister to you as you read them.

“hush my child hush my precious child you are so loved hush be still do not fear you are safe hush just rest let my love wash over you healing your wounds bringing life to those barren places restoring you bringing beauty and life hush be still rest in my love it is freely yours you are safe you are safe now you are safe now I am with you and will never leave you hush my child hush It is ok I know I understand but I am with you and you are safe now there is nothing to fear now you are safe my child you are safe just rest you are safe to rest let me look after you it is safe to hush be still you are safe now you are safe I will never leave you you are safe my child rest in that safety

just rest you are so safe you really are you are safe my child for I am with you I have you safely and I will not let you go I promise you I will never leave you I will not abandon you I am not a man that I should lie hush hush it is ok I know I know my precious child I know how you need to feel safe hush you are safe let me take that fear because I want to I want you to only rest you need to rest hush hush

it is ok yes it is ok

it is ok to cry it is ok to cry it is ok I am with you I am shielding you I am hiding you you are safe now my precious precious child hush be still that's it hush its ok feel that safety you are safe now nothing will harm you here yes that's right you are resting now that is good my child my child my precious one you are so precious to me so very precious and so very loved let that love soak every fibre of your being I want you to soak it up you need it it will heal you my precious one I will never let you go never ever ever you are safe now I will never leave you never ever you can be secure you can be safe you can be sure you can be still and be safe my beloved daughter yes my beloved daughter you are my beloved yes there you are

you are beginning to believe me I can see it in your eyes my love for you is boundless and never ends you can rely on that you can feel safe yes you can I see you are beginning to feel safe I see you are beginning to rest I see you are beginning to trust I am so pleased with you oh yes I am I delight in you I sing over you I am there when you are sleeping you are never alone I take pleasure in you you give me pleasure yes you do I know you find that hard to believe but you do because you are you just because you are you my precious daughter my precious Fi my fair one

be still now and rest in that safety I love you with a love which is pure and safe I know how you need to feel safe you have never felt safe my love is safe you are my beloved child that's it that's it you are still now that is good rest my child just rest you are safe now you are so safe”

Thursday, 10 July 2008


Healing is a strange journey that takes you through many twists and turns. At the moment I am hurting like crazy. And the reason I am hurting? Well because I took such a big step in going public with the second chapter of my autobiography. Possibly because it documents some of the deepest trauma in my life; partly because I toned it down for publication, the original version is much more graphic; and partly because I have broken my silence on those acts which so terrorised and traumatised me.

And it is the last of those which is causing me the greatest trouble. I did not realise how deep the fear of punishment and retribution went. I did not realise how deep that terror went. I did not realise how deeply I had taken that vow of silence. I did not realise just how deeply I believed the threats of violence and death which were used to secure my silence. I also did not realise how much I was, and still am, held captive by fear.

The problem is I have broken the rules, I have broken the promise I made never to disclose to anyone outside of the family. I have betrayed myself in a sense, betrayed my inner child. But at the same time I have set her free by telling. It is a bizarre one. At this moment, she doesn’t feel free, just very terrified; terrified of being found out; terrified of retribution; terrified that something really bad is going to happen because she has told.

The pain, the blackness, the agony of mind, body and spirit is indescribable. I don’t know what to do with myself as voices come at me from every direction, accusing me, and I know they are right, I have broken my promise, I have broken my silence.

But I realise that promise was a bad promise and that silence was an unhealthy silence. And so I tell those voices that I am going to carry on, whatever the cost, and press through, that I am not going to be put into silence again.

This is a new beginning, when there are going to be no more dark secrets to torment and terrorise. I am so glad that my feelings are not the final say on these issues, because if they were I would be sunk; I cannot trust my feelings from one second to the next!!

I woke a little while ago from an uneasy sleep, that had been full of nightmares, and I heard my heavenly daddy’s voice speaking the words from the song “Daddy’s Listening”. I heard him say over and over and over, “daddy is here, daddy is listening, daddy is here, daddy is listening”. As I lay there feeling very ill with fear and pain deep inside, I let those words wash over me until they were a balm to those troubled places. Then as I lay there trying to find the strength and the will to move, he carried on speaking those words, ever so gently, over and over. Gradually they brought reassurance that all is well and all is going to be well.

I heard myself telling my precious daddy that I am so glad it is his work and not mine, because that means he will complete it. I do know one thing, and that is that he never begins anything and not completes it. And if he will complete it then he will give me the strength and the will to make it through. If it was up to me I would quit now, because the pain and the horror is so utterly overwhelming and all consuming.

Daddy I cannot do this without you, and there’s times I feel I cannot do it with you, help me make it through. And if I am your little girl, then I am safe aren’t I??

1oth July 2008

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Daddy's Listening Ministries

A friend just sent me the link to this website - http://www.daddyslistening.com/index.shtml.

It is the website of Daddy's Listening Ministries. On it is a song calling "daddy's listening". Oh it is amazing, it blew me away and so ministered to me. It will minister to you to. I've tried to add it directly to my site, but it won't work.

So I have added the link to my list of website links. If you go to the link, once you are in the website click on "Listen to Daddy's Listening in Real Audio" - you can listen to it and download it too.

It'll bless your socks off.

8th July 2008

Sunday, 6 July 2008


No no no Fi I have not brought you this far to drop you. You are not going to fall back, keep moving forward, don’t be afraid I have not left you. Over the coming months I am going to further accelerate your healing. I know where you have been, I know what you’re going through and you are doing so well, you really are. You are the apple of my eye, I delight in you.

You’ve not been able to have relationships or have friends up till now. But I am changing all that and bringing people into your life who will be friends, true friends, yes Fi, they will be true friends. Let me bring them into your life and trust them, let them be the friends I intend them to be to you. For it is my work that they are coming into your life, don’t shrink back from them.

Fi when you mess up don’t hide and please don’t beat yourself up. I am here, just come to me and talk to me about it instead of shutting down and running away. It is safe for you to come to me.

I am changing you, transforming you, making you new, but don’t be afraid. I am not going to change you so much that you do not recognise yourself, I know it may feel that way at the moment. You will still recognise yourself, you will still be essentially you, your character, who you are, but I am making you a reflection of ME. You will be such a reflection of MY light and MY love, but you will still be you. But remember, it is my work, not yours!!!

I love you, I do I love you, I know you don’t believe me, but I love you. I love you Fi I really enjoy being with you. I love you, yes I do, I love you.

6th July 2008

Friday, 4 July 2008

Words of Encouragement from Jesus

I am with you do not worry.
You are safe even right this very minute.
I am moving with you every step of the way.
Fear is not of me and I am dealing with the fear in you.
You are doing good! You are being led by my spirit!
I see how hard it is for you right now, but I haven't left you.
You are doing good.
You are doing good.
You are doing good.
I see you right now and I am with you.
The voices lie, but I tell you the truth!
You are one of the strongest people I have ever known!
I see the positive!
I am going to eliminate the negative and accentuate the positive in you.
It just takes time.
You have lived in the negative to the highest extreme ALL of your life.
That is what you are used to, but I am changing all of that.
I am changing the familiar, TAKING all that you are used to and GIVING you something much better!
That is why you feel so peculiar, the familiar is no longer the familiar!
You're in new territory.
You have never experienced this your entire life.
My love,
My love changes everything,
My love conquers all evil,
My love heals all wounds,
My love makes all things new!
I am making you new, watch and see what I WILL DO!
It's my work, not yours.
Why are you trying to take over the wheel, trying to hit the brakes?
I know where I am leading you.
I know what you are made of.
I know what you can cope with.
And I know the speed to go at.
Trade places with me and let me take the wheel.
It is ok to lose control, let me have control.
Just sit back and enjoy the scenery along the way!

4th July 2008

Wednesday, 2 July 2008


You are doing so well, don't give up now. I am proud of you and I am with you. Remember you may not be able to feel me but I am with you and I will see you through. Keep your eyes on me rather than on the storm within and around. Remember Peter walking on the water; when he realised what he was doing and saw the storm around what happened? he began to sink. You are walking on water right now, keep your eyes on me, you will make it through.

I would not have begun this if I couldn't complete it. Keep trusting me and keep following right in my footsteps; don't veer to the left or right see my footsteps and put your own into them. I am your safe guide you can trust me you can follow me through this minefield because I know the path through.

Don't be afraid of me and don't be afraid of the process. You have nothing to fear it is going to be ok. I am your faithful friend and guide, your ever present help in trouble. I am the light on your path. I am the guidebook out of here. Yes I know you feel like where's the map gone? It’s ok, I have it and I know the route, and I am providing all that you need along the way. Don't be afraid, don't be afraid, you can trust me.

You are in safe hands, you are safe, believe me you are; for I am not a man that I should lie. All my words are true and faithful and can be depended upon. Its ok to wobble, I expect you to wobble. I know you better than you know yourself. I know you inside out so I know how you are going to deal with things. I know how you are going to wobble, its ok to wobble. Just stay open and honest when you are wobbling, don't close up, that's all I ask don't close up.

2nd July 2008


You cannot carry this pain anymore; I am here so you can give it to me because I can carry it. Fi my child I love you, believe I love you.

I have been protecting you through it - when they have hit you they have hit me; when they beat you they beat me; when they cursed you they cursed me; when they spat on you they spat on me; when they laughed at you they laughed at me; when they threw you across the room they threw me across the room; when they dragged you by the hair they dragged me by the hair. Everything done to you I experienced.

I felt your pain, I feel your pain. My child, my child, my child, my child, my precious child. You are so precious, let me love you. Let me take all this from you, there is nothing I don't know about. I know your fear and your uncertainty. I know your insecurity. I understand it all and I want to heal you of it all. But you need to trust me and allow me in little by little.

I know this is hard for you. I know what you can bear. I know what you can cope with, and I am going to take you step by step, little by little. We have all the time in the world. I am not in a hurry because I want to do a thorough job. I am reaching out to you can you trust me enough to take my hand?

30th June 2008