Healing is a strange journey that takes you through many twists and turns. At the moment I am hurting like crazy. And the reason I am hurting? Well because I took such a big step in going public with the second chapter of my autobiography. Possibly because it documents some of the deepest trauma in my life; partly because I toned it down for publication, the original version is much more graphic; and partly because I have broken my silence on those acts which so terrorised and traumatised me.
And it is the last of those which is causing me the greatest trouble. I did not realise how deep the fear of punishment and retribution went. I did not realise how deep that terror went. I did not realise how deeply I had taken that vow of silence. I did not realise just how deeply I believed the threats of violence and death which were used to secure my silence. I also did not realise how much I was, and still am, held captive by fear.
The problem is I have broken the rules, I have broken the promise I made never to disclose to anyone outside of the family. I have betrayed myself in a sense, betrayed my inner child. But at the same time I have set her free by telling. It is a bizarre one. At this moment, she doesn’t feel free, just very terrified; terrified of being found out; terrified of retribution; terrified that something really bad is going to happen because she has told.
The pain, the blackness, the agony of mind, body and spirit is indescribable. I don’t know what to do with myself as voices come at me from every direction, accusing me, and I know they are right, I have broken my promise, I have broken my silence.
But I realise that promise was a bad promise and that silence was an unhealthy silence. And so I tell those voices that I am going to carry on, whatever the cost, and press through, that I am not going to be put into silence again.
This is a new beginning, when there are going to be no more dark secrets to torment and terrorise. I am so glad that my feelings are not the final say on these issues, because if they were I would be sunk; I cannot trust my feelings from one second to the next!!
I woke a little while ago from an uneasy sleep, that had been full of nightmares, and I heard my heavenly daddy’s voice speaking the words from the song “Daddy’s Listening”. I heard him say over and over and over, “daddy is here, daddy is listening, daddy is here, daddy is listening”. As I lay there feeling very ill with fear and pain deep inside, I let those words wash over me until they were a balm to those troubled places. Then as I lay there trying to find the strength and the will to move, he carried on speaking those words, ever so gently, over and over. Gradually they brought reassurance that all is well and all is going to be well.
I heard myself telling my precious daddy that I am so glad it is his work and not mine, because that means he will complete it. I do know one thing, and that is that he never begins anything and not completes it. And if he will complete it then he will give me the strength and the will to make it through. If it was up to me I would quit now, because the pain and the horror is so utterly overwhelming and all consuming.
Daddy I cannot do this without you, and there’s times I feel I cannot do it with you, help me make it through. And if I am your little girl, then I am safe aren’t I??
1oth July 2008