I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. Without God's intervention in my life I wouldn't be here - NOW is the time for me to tell MY story by speaking the TRUTH about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being restored. This blog has helped me begin to get my voice back and documents the journey God is taking me on to heal me from the trauma and damage caused by that most appalling abuse.

Thursday, 10 July 2008

THE COST OF DISCLOSING

Healing is a strange journey that takes you through many twists and turns. At the moment I am hurting like crazy. And the reason I am hurting? Well because I took such a big step in going public with the second chapter of my autobiography. Possibly because it documents some of the deepest trauma in my life; partly because I toned it down for publication, the original version is much more graphic; and partly because I have broken my silence on those acts which so terrorised and traumatised me.

And it is the last of those which is causing me the greatest trouble. I did not realise how deep the fear of punishment and retribution went. I did not realise how deep that terror went. I did not realise how deeply I had taken that vow of silence. I did not realise just how deeply I believed the threats of violence and death which were used to secure my silence. I also did not realise how much I was, and still am, held captive by fear.

The problem is I have broken the rules, I have broken the promise I made never to disclose to anyone outside of the family. I have betrayed myself in a sense, betrayed my inner child. But at the same time I have set her free by telling. It is a bizarre one. At this moment, she doesn’t feel free, just very terrified; terrified of being found out; terrified of retribution; terrified that something really bad is going to happen because she has told.

The pain, the blackness, the agony of mind, body and spirit is indescribable. I don’t know what to do with myself as voices come at me from every direction, accusing me, and I know they are right, I have broken my promise, I have broken my silence.

But I realise that promise was a bad promise and that silence was an unhealthy silence. And so I tell those voices that I am going to carry on, whatever the cost, and press through, that I am not going to be put into silence again.

This is a new beginning, when there are going to be no more dark secrets to torment and terrorise. I am so glad that my feelings are not the final say on these issues, because if they were I would be sunk; I cannot trust my feelings from one second to the next!!

I woke a little while ago from an uneasy sleep, that had been full of nightmares, and I heard my heavenly daddy’s voice speaking the words from the song “Daddy’s Listening”. I heard him say over and over and over, “daddy is here, daddy is listening, daddy is here, daddy is listening”. As I lay there feeling very ill with fear and pain deep inside, I let those words wash over me until they were a balm to those troubled places. Then as I lay there trying to find the strength and the will to move, he carried on speaking those words, ever so gently, over and over. Gradually they brought reassurance that all is well and all is going to be well.

I heard myself telling my precious daddy that I am so glad it is his work and not mine, because that means he will complete it. I do know one thing, and that is that he never begins anything and not completes it. And if he will complete it then he will give me the strength and the will to make it through. If it was up to me I would quit now, because the pain and the horror is so utterly overwhelming and all consuming.

Daddy I cannot do this without you, and there’s times I feel I cannot do it with you, help me make it through. And if I am your little girl, then I am safe aren’t I??


1oth July 2008


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello Fi,

You are Daddy's little girl, and you are safe in Him. His is the "only" Voice that speaks truth . . . and He says that He is your "refuge and strength" and that He is your "high tower that you run to and are safe"!

You have broken the silence over yourself, that proves that healing has begun. You are no longer in captivity to the bondage of silence that came upon you in fear as a child. Fear's hold is broken. And you will continue to be victorious over fear whenever it tries to victimize you again because when you broke the silence, you broke the bondage. The word of God to speak out loud, whenever fear tries to gain access, is: "GOD HAS NOT GIVEN ME A spirit OF fear, BUT OF POWER AND OF LOVE AND OF A SOUND MIND!" Say it strongly, and each time you speak the TRUTH over yourself and to your situation, fear will go running swiftly away!! You haven't betrayed your inner child, you've taken the chains off of her, finally setting her free!! You are finally saying "you don't have to feel guilty, or ashamed, or scared and fearful anymore. And that its good to speak the truth. And that the Lord is your Daddy who says "Be FREE!" Each day you will get stronger. Each day of honesty brings more healing and comfort. Each day will be a victory. Finally with the wounds exposed, they can get healing. When they are constantly covered they fester, become infected, and grow worse. But now, they will get the much needed exposure and will continue to heal. And remember, what the word of God says, when we are "weak, He is strong." So even in our weakness, His strength is being poured out upon us. The "joy"of just knowing Him, "is our strength." It is so good that you have learned how deeply you were wounded, so now you will be able to understand that this healing process is so worth it!! You are right, what He started He will complete! Jesus is the "great Physician! the Author and the Finisher of your faith!' You have a Spiritual M.D. living in your house, of the highest ranking!! Wow! And like the perfect Physician and Spiritual Surgeon that He is, He always tells us to keep pressing into our healing and to listen to His instruction. And you are doing exactly that! And what an encouragement you are to the rest of us too. Thank you for inspiring us with your candor and your honesty and your willingness to be real. And to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Your testimony is saying to all of us, YES WE CAN BE VICTORIOUS IN ALL THINGS! No weapon formed against us shall prosper! What an awesome work you are doing here, Fi! Again thank you for the ministry of your website. You are touching lives!
Love and many blessings,
Ree "SCalifBattleCry"

Anonymous said...

Fi,
I've been just basking in the music ministry that you have posted on your site. Its been ministering to my heart. So intimate, so real, so emotionally cleansing. I love each and every song that you have chosen. So perfect for the comfort and healing of the soul. As always, I love coming to this oasis of refreshing! Where one can just bask in His presence and feel His special touch . . . the safe place, the refuge, the place of sharing with others and hearing of the journey that God is taking you on and allowing us to be a part of it too. You are in my prayers.
Blessings and thanks,
Ree "SCalifBattleCry"