I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Saturday, 23 August 2008


My break from healing has turned into a much longer one than had been anticipated due to events taking a really unexpected and rather unscheduled turn.

When I was a child I was not allowed to be angry, in fact I was not allowed to express emotions full stop. So that means the whole gamut through anger, rage, hurt, pain, tears to joy, laughter and happiness were repressed. I was taught and forced to maintain a deadpan attitude to everything. If you did express anything things were made worse, so I learned that being angry was not ok, and that if you did express it then something bad would always happen. This meant that I internalised everything, and as an adult I still internalise everything.

Well I was travelling along the bumpy and uncertain road which healing is. I was in the process of beginning to express some of my emotions and feelings about what was done to me throughout the first 20 years of my life. We were also working with my multiples enabling them to express their feelings and anger too. Most of all, I was beginning to learn that there is a more healthy way of dealing with your emotions; that it is ok to express them.

Two weeks ago I began to cold turkey off Prozac because I was experiencing significant serious side effects from taking the Prozac. In order to start a new anti depressant there had to be no Prozac in my system. My doctor wanted me off Prozac with immediate effect, so bad were the side effects, and it takes 4-7 days for Prozac to get out of your system. Once you start taking a new med it takes another 2-3 weeks for the new anti depressant to begin to kick in. So cold turkey it was.

After the initial shock of learning that I was going to be in effect taking no meds for 2-3 weeks, things started off alright. I started taking the new med 5 days after stopping the Prozac, then 48 hours later things went badly wrong.

With the Prozac finally out of my system and the new med not in my system I began to lose touch with reality, to feel very out of control and really angry. I remember very little about the next 48 hours. I do remember splitting as another of my multiples emerged, and her anger and hurt. I remember being very angry with the person working with me on my healing. And I remember coming very close to suicide during that time. But as for the details, well I have several emails which passed between us during that time to fill me in on those horrifying facts. And I also have the legacy of another shattered relationship to add to the many littering my life as the person who was working with me has broken off all contact.

The 72 hours which followed were a complete nightmare. My multiples with whom we had worked felt abandoned and starting screaming out for the person who had promised they could talk to her whenever they needed as they realised that she was not there anymore, and had left a vacuum. As time progressed I continued to split as I went from one personality to the next, one moment I was a tiny child, the next an angry belligerent teenager, and everything in between.

I can tell you that I began to wish the nightmares and flashbacks back; they were far less frightening to deal with than the split asunder out of control person I became. I really did not know who I was or even how to get me back. I did not dare step foot outside my flat throughout this time as I was so afraid. I thought I really was losing my mind, I’d never been so split in my life. I really thought that if someone knew the truth of what was going on then I would be sectioned under the Mental Health Act and forced into hospital, which I really didn’t want. I just wanted the nightmare to end, and didn’t really know how it had all started, and that is the worst bit of it all.

The nightmare began to come to an end with an emergency appointment with my doctor. She was fantastic about it all and was able to normalise everything that was going on and calm me down. She decided to immediately double the dose of my new anti depressant so that when it does kick in it will kick in at a higher level and should enable me to stabilise quicker. I remember sitting with the doctor and discussing the traumas which had led up to the appointment. It was amazing how God just ministered peace into the depths of my being during those few minutes. I left the doctor’s surgery with deep assurance in my spirit that everything is going to ok, it is going to turn out alright. It had to be God’s peace and God’s assurance as it flew directly opposite to what was going on inside me.

When I returned home later I had an email from a friend giving me a scripture which I had memorised over 3 decades ago and has repeatedly come up at difficult times in my life.

It is the verse from Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

As I meditated on that verse and spoke it to myself over and over I was reminded of a song we sang at youth camps that I worked on in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

The song goes like this – “Be bold, be strong, for the Lord your God is with you. Be bold, be strong, for the Lord your God is with you. I am not afraid, no, no. I am not dismayed, not me. For I’m walking in faith and victory, come on, walk in faith and victory, for the Lord your God is with you.”

I was lifted out of my situation and taken back about 20 years to the big tent. I smelt the familiar smell of the damp grass, was reminded of the hardness of the benches, the beauty of the music which the band never failed to produce, but most of all I looked at the faces around me and was reminded of the camaraderie of those times, as God just ministered deep into my spirit. He did something very special as He did that because He reminded me of the tough places I’ve been during the last two decades or so and the things that He has seen me through. He also reminded me of the crowd of witnesses around me who are egging me on and yelling “go Fi go, go Fi go”.

It makes me cry now to recall how He assured me over and over of the inner strength which I have because of those things, and again that there is nothing that He does not know about.

I’ve not been quite the same since - I still have moments when I feel afraid, I’ve not stabilised yet. I still have times when I do not know who am I or who I’ve been for a little while, and blanks in my memory which I wish weren’t there. But I know one thing and that is that everything is going to be ok, because Jesus is in the house, and when He is around, things do have a way of working out.

What about my healing? I don’t know where I go from here. I know only that God is in control and His plans for my healing have not been derailed. One downside is that what has happened has reinforced stuff I learned in childhood – emotions and feelings are not expressed, if they are something bad will happen. That is a very difficult one and will take me time to recover from. One reason why I got suicidal during this is because I internalised all my feelings of anger, rage, fear etc.

So what is the moral of this story?

Well for that we have go back to the title . . . the healing journey is not a smooth one and there are plenty of pitfalls . . . especially for the unwary . . . before this happened I was unwary . . . now I have learned a salutary lesson . . . . let it be a warning to all of some of the things that can go wrong.

And my reason for writing? Well I had to find a way to vent so that I can move on from this and keep a pure heart . . . the story is also a part of my healing journey and as such should be shared here . . . and it is wonderful to be able to share how God breaks in to our shock, pain and trauma and brings His marvellous healing and reassurance. The most important reason for writing this is to tell the story. To do otherwise would be to repeat old patterns of behaviour; when something bad happens you keep stum and tell no one. It is important for me to tell just for that reason alone!

I will continue to take a break from actively healing knowing that God carries on regardless and that I will look back some time in the future and see the purpose behind this turn of events. As time goes on, I am sure that God will show me the way forward and give me the strength and ability to trust again.

23rd August 2008

Saturday, 16 August 2008


I dreamt that I had an interview with God,

So, would you like to interview me?" God asked.

"If you have the time", I said.

God smiled, and said:

" My time is eternity… What questions do you have in mind for me?"

I asked:" What surprises you most about mankind?"

God answered:

" That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.
That they lose their health to make money . . . . and then lose their money to restore their health.
That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget that they live in neither the present nor the future.
That they live as if they will never die, and die as if they had never lived."

God's hand took mine, we were silent for awhile, and then I asked: "As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"

God answered:

"To learn that they cannot make anyone love them, all they can do is let themselves be loved.
To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others.
To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.
To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them.
To learn that a rich person is not the one who has most, but is the one who needs the least.
To learn that there are people who love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings.
To learn that two people can look at the same thing, and see it differently.
To learn that it is not enough to forgive one another, but they must also learn to forgive themselves."

"Thank you for your time" I said humbly. "Is there anything else you want your children to know?"

God smiled and said: "Just to know that I am here." "Always"

Taken From : www.theinterviewwithgod.com

Wednesday, 13 August 2008


Hi Jesus what is this scar in your hand?

It’s where they put the nail when they nailed me to that cross

I heard you did nothing wrong but they hated you that must have been really horrible it must have really hurt

Yes it did hurt more than you can possibly imagine I know what it feels like to be hated when you've done nothing wrong I know what it feels like to be abandoned and deserted and all alone and know what betrayal feels like I know what it feels like to be lied about I know how desperate it makes you feel I experienced all that I know what a sham trial feels like

so you know about the kangaroo courts then?

yes I know all about them I know what a sham they were and what a put up job they were I know all about it there is nothing I don't know about I saw it all I was there

so you know how horrible I feel then Jesus?

yes I do

you know how alone I feel?

yes I do

I have been with you every moment of your life I know all you have been through I have seen it all everything you have felt I have felt every hurt I felt with you

Jesus I am finding this so amazing, but why couldn't you stop them if you were there?

I tried to speak with them many times I tried to reason with them but they shut me out ignored me

but they went to church?

yes they went to church but not to find me just to look good all part of their cover story

ok Jesus I feel safe with you I feel like you know everything there is to know about me and yet you don't look down on me or belittle me

I love you my child my love is a love you've never known my love is not self seeking my love does not hurt or use others my love sets people free my love is a safe love my love will bring healing to your innermost being my love is about healing not hurting my love is about freeing not binding up

ouch Jesus that hurt cos I've been bound a lot

I know you have remember there is nothing I don't know about don't be afraid you have nothing to fear my love gets rid of fear and gives you peace in exchange real deep peace and joy like you've never known I have only good intentions for you

I am so proud of you I am so proud that you have spoken out and I am so proud I’ve been waiting a long time for this and I am so happy now that it is here and you are speaking out

8th August 2008

Monday, 4 August 2008


I am being taken through a process of healing some really traumatic memories at the moment. Today Jesus took me back to the night when I was kicked and beaten almost to death by my parents then literally kicked out of front door into the snow, and left there for dead by them. I have always wondered how I survived lying there unconscious for several hours. This is the transcript of what Jesus showed me:-

“He's holding me gently rocking me . . . I feel a cool balm going right down deep through my chest to my core I see angels with their hands in my chest and belly and abdomen . . . Jesus is holding me against his chest . . . .

I see the room where it all took place flooding with light . . . I am surrounded with wings and peace such peace . . .

I see me as I was at 19 and I see Jesus holding me comforting me . . . . that's how I survived His warmth kept me alive . . .

Jesus is wrapped around me I am lying in Him not in the snow that is how I survived . . . He is cradling me . . . He has my head against His chest keeping it covered . . . there are angels there too loads of them in the garden I was not alone when I was lying in the snowy garden . . . for the very first time I realise I was not alone . . . His body took the cold while I was cradled in his warmth this is awesome to see

I always wondered how I survived after I blacked out . . . the angels lifted me off the ground placed me in His embrace and He wrapped himself around me and the angels were wrapped around us . . . wow this is incredible

He is just cradling me so gently . . . ah it is so beautiful . . . I was not alone . . . when I came to it was Him who suggested go up to {friend’s name} yes she's in . . . and I had an escort all the way there . . in fact they came in with us for a while . . . Jesus is sat across the kitchen table from me in her house watching her tend my wounds listening to her rant on about my parents . . .

And listening to her telling me she'll put me on a camp bed in the lounge till she gets somewhere for me . . . He is there smiling . . . I am just sitting there feeling so battered and bruised and {friend’s name} is doing her best to love me but I can't receive it I'm just blanking . . . but it's ok it's just the trauma

Jesus is nodding his head he's happy . . . He knows {friend’s name} will look after me He also knows she will not let them near me . . . wow He is showing me her tears later when she was all alone Jesus is showing me her private reactions to it all . . . . this is so moving . . . oh it’s amazing

I now see myself asleep on the camp bed and Jesus is sat there right beside me caressing my forehead . . . he was there through it all he did see it all

I truly was never alone though I felt so bereft”

So now I know how I survived that night in the snow, now I know how I survived that harrowing night, thank you Jesus for showing me and for bringing healing into that very traumatic memory.

2nd August 2008

Friday, 1 August 2008


Last night God took me back to a room when I was just 5 years old, I was being held down and sexually assaulted. As he took me deeper into healing of the memory something very very special happened. This is part of the transcript of what took place:-

“I see {my abusers names} they are sitting bound . . . it is like they are losing strength by the minute . . . their power is being taken from them . . . He is making me strong and them weak . . . he is turning the tables . . . taking away the shame . . . I can lift my head up now . . . I am looking across at them . . . I don't feel no shame I didn't do nothing wrong they did wrong not me they did wrong not me . . . . me didn't do nothing wrong, me got nothing to be ashamed of its them who should be ashamed . . . I am looking right at them I am not ashamed . . . it's them who are looking shifty now . . . I am looking straight at them . . . I should not feel guilty I didn't do nothing wrong they should feel guilty not me . . . all of the guilt and shame and evil is going back on them where it should be . . . yeah they are the ones who were evil not me . . . I was just a tiny child . . . they made me do it they held me down and tied me up . . . there's power jolting thro my arms . . .awesome . . . its like I'm being given my arms back

I see a set of scales and Jesus is putting all these weights on them . . . [my abusers names} eyes are nearly popping out one side of the scales is dipping and dipping so low and lower and lower . . . .they are just shrinking down even lower . . . they have no strength at all now . . . and I feel stronger and taller and bigger and clean and free from guilt like I've been washed . . . if they shrink down much further they'll be on the floor . . . like slugs that was the word i had . . . slugs . . . and you know how to finish slugs off a good dose of salt . . . . pour some salt on them ha ha and they shrink up . . . Jesus said we should be salt and light haha . . . I feel like something is being established in the room . . .a miracle is happening

Wow and they look so tiny now . . . its like they are being swallowed up by the scales . . . . and being turned into little weights and being put on the other side of the scale . . . that is bizarre . . . that is so bizarre . . . but the scales aren’t leveling out . . . whoa Jesus just put his foot down on their side of the scale and stamped it right down . . . wow I felt that . . . wow it is going to be as if it never happened . . . . that was symbolic of his feet wiping it out . . . just wiping it out like dirt off a shoe . . . wow they were just like dog poo on his shoe haha

I am looking at Jesus laughing the whole room seems to be filling with laughter . . . a lightness like floating in the room . . . I can smell the victory . . . all the heaviness is gone . . . no more evil

I want to get up and dance . . . I am dancing round the room . . . Jesus has come over and is dancing with me . . . . round and round and round and round and round and round and round

Wow ‘the victory is yours he says’ . . . it is like he is replacing the sorrow and pain with dancing . . . with him . . . . I have not danced in a long time . . . I feel no embarrassment or awkwardness dancing with him . . . dance dance dance . . . it feels natural . . . it is so wonderful to really dance with him . . . I feel so free

The room feels so big and light now . . . feel like I'm in a ballroom in a ball gown with a tiara on my head . . . and my hair shimmering . . . wow there are rubies in the tiara and sapphires. . . my gown is beautiful it has golden lining like silk and is a lovely maroon with flecks of blue and green and purple running thro it . . . the shoes on my feet match I never match haha I do now though . . . and we are dancing around this ballroom it is huge and there are people all around watching and applauding . . . I feel so tall and graceful and pure . . . I feel like an adult, d'u know what I mean? . . . it's like watching the New Year's Day ball from Vienna . . . it's just like that with the Blue Danube playing in the background . . . its beautiful . . . and he's saying to me ‘you are so worth this you are so worth this you really are that is right so worth this’ . . . the whole room has changed wow

Jesus just threw his head back and laughed a victory bellow almost like a lions roar haha . . . well I've flopped down on a chair now I'm done in and it is like I hear a lions roar haha”

The most wonderful thing about what happened in this is that I loved to dance as a small child, but my parents put me on stages at talent shows. I hated that and stopped dancing as soon as I could. I do still love dance but I don’t dance because I feel very embarrassed, awkward and self conscious dancing. It is like Jesus is starting to restore the joy and freedom of dancing to me.

1st August 2008