My break from healing has turned into a much longer one than had been anticipated due to events taking a really unexpected and rather unscheduled turn.
When I was a child I was not allowed to be angry, in fact I was not allowed to express emotions full stop. So that means the whole gamut through anger, rage, hurt, pain, tears to joy, laughter and happiness were repressed. I was taught and forced to maintain a deadpan attitude to everything. If you did express anything things were made worse, so I learned that being angry was not ok, and that if you did express it then something bad would always happen. This meant that I internalised everything, and as an adult I still internalise everything.
Well I was travelling along the bumpy and uncertain road which healing is. I was in the process of beginning to express some of my emotions and feelings about what was done to me throughout the first 20 years of my life. We were also working with my multiples enabling them to express their feelings and anger too. Most of all, I was beginning to learn that there is a more healthy way of dealing with your emotions; that it is ok to express them.
Two weeks ago I began to cold turkey off Prozac because I was experiencing significant serious side effects from taking the Prozac. In order to start a new anti depressant there had to be no Prozac in my system. My doctor wanted me off Prozac with immediate effect, so bad were the side effects, and it takes 4-7 days for Prozac to get out of your system. Once you start taking a new med it takes another 2-3 weeks for the new anti depressant to begin to kick in. So cold turkey it was.
After the initial shock of learning that I was going to be in effect taking no meds for 2-3 weeks, things started off alright. I started taking the new med 5 days after stopping the Prozac, then 48 hours later things went badly wrong.
With the Prozac finally out of my system and the new med not in my system I began to lose touch with reality, to feel very out of control and really angry. I remember very little about the next 48 hours. I do remember splitting as another of my multiples emerged, and her anger and hurt. I remember being very angry with the person working with me on my healing. And I remember coming very close to suicide during that time. But as for the details, well I have several emails which passed between us during that time to fill me in on those horrifying facts. And I also have the legacy of another shattered relationship to add to the many littering my life as the person who was working with me has broken off all contact.
The 72 hours which followed were a complete nightmare. My multiples with whom we had worked felt abandoned and starting screaming out for the person who had promised they could talk to her whenever they needed as they realised that she was not there anymore, and had left a vacuum. As time progressed I continued to split as I went from one personality to the next, one moment I was a tiny child, the next an angry belligerent teenager, and everything in between.
I can tell you that I began to wish the nightmares and flashbacks back; they were far less frightening to deal with than the split asunder out of control person I became. I really did not know who I was or even how to get me back. I did not dare step foot outside my flat throughout this time as I was so afraid. I thought I really was losing my mind, I’d never been so split in my life. I really thought that if someone knew the truth of what was going on then I would be sectioned under the Mental Health Act and forced into hospital, which I really didn’t want. I just wanted the nightmare to end, and didn’t really know how it had all started, and that is the worst bit of it all.
The nightmare began to come to an end with an emergency appointment with my doctor. She was fantastic about it all and was able to normalise everything that was going on and calm me down. She decided to immediately double the dose of my new anti depressant so that when it does kick in it will kick in at a higher level and should enable me to stabilise quicker. I remember sitting with the doctor and discussing the traumas which had led up to the appointment. It was amazing how God just ministered peace into the depths of my being during those few minutes. I left the doctor’s surgery with deep assurance in my spirit that everything is going to ok, it is going to turn out alright. It had to be God’s peace and God’s assurance as it flew directly opposite to what was going on inside me.
When I returned home later I had an email from a friend giving me a scripture which I had memorised over 3 decades ago and has repeatedly come up at difficult times in my life.
It is the verse from
As I meditated on that verse and spoke it to myself over and over I was reminded of a song we sang at youth camps that I worked on in the late 80’s and early 90’s.
The song goes like this – “Be bold, be strong, for the Lord your God is with you. Be bold, be strong, for the Lord your God is with you. I am not afraid, no, no. I am not dismayed, not me. For I’m walking in faith and victory, come on, walk in faith and victory, for the Lord your God is with you.”
I was lifted out of my situation and taken back about 20 years to the big tent. I smelt the familiar smell of the damp grass, was reminded of the hardness of the benches, the beauty of the music which the band never failed to produce, but most of all I looked at the faces around me and was reminded of the camaraderie of those times, as God just ministered deep into my spirit. He did something very special as He did that because He reminded me of the tough places I’ve been during the last two decades or so and the things that He has seen me through. He also reminded me of the crowd of witnesses around me who are egging me on and yelling “go Fi go, go Fi go”.
It makes me cry now to recall how He assured me over and over of the inner strength which I have because of those things, and again that there is nothing that He does not know about.
I’ve not been quite the same since - I still have moments when I feel afraid, I’ve not stabilised yet. I still have times when I do not know who am I or who I’ve been for a little while, and blanks in my memory which I wish weren’t there. But I know one thing and that is that everything is going to be ok, because Jesus is in the house, and when He is around, things do have a way of working out.
What about my healing? I don’t know where I go from here. I know only that God is in control and His plans for my healing have not been derailed. One downside is that what has happened has reinforced stuff I learned in childhood – emotions and feelings are not expressed, if they are something bad will happen. That is a very difficult one and will take me time to recover from. One reason why I got suicidal during this is because I internalised all my feelings of anger, rage, fear etc.
So what is the moral of this story?
Well for that we have go back to the title . . . the healing journey is not a smooth one and there are plenty of pitfalls . . . especially for the unwary . . . before this happened I was unwary . . . now I have learned a salutary lesson . . . . let it be a warning to all of some of the things that can go wrong.
And my reason for writing? Well I had to find a way to vent so that I can move on from this and keep a pure heart . . . the story is also a part of my healing journey and as such should be shared here . . . and it is wonderful to be able to share how God breaks in to our shock, pain and trauma and brings His marvellous healing and reassurance. The most important reason for writing this is to tell the story. To do otherwise would be to repeat old patterns of behaviour; when something bad happens you keep stum and tell no one. It is important for me to tell just for that reason alone!
I will continue to take a break from actively healing knowing that God carries on regardless and that I will look back some time in the future and see the purpose behind this turn of events. As time goes on, I am sure that God will show me the way forward and give me the strength and ability to trust again.
23rd August 2008