I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Friday, 1 August 2008


Last night God took me back to a room when I was just 5 years old, I was being held down and sexually assaulted. As he took me deeper into healing of the memory something very very special happened. This is part of the transcript of what took place:-

“I see {my abusers names} they are sitting bound . . . it is like they are losing strength by the minute . . . their power is being taken from them . . . He is making me strong and them weak . . . he is turning the tables . . . taking away the shame . . . I can lift my head up now . . . I am looking across at them . . . I don't feel no shame I didn't do nothing wrong they did wrong not me they did wrong not me . . . . me didn't do nothing wrong, me got nothing to be ashamed of its them who should be ashamed . . . I am looking right at them I am not ashamed . . . it's them who are looking shifty now . . . I am looking straight at them . . . I should not feel guilty I didn't do nothing wrong they should feel guilty not me . . . all of the guilt and shame and evil is going back on them where it should be . . . yeah they are the ones who were evil not me . . . I was just a tiny child . . . they made me do it they held me down and tied me up . . . there's power jolting thro my arms . . .awesome . . . its like I'm being given my arms back

I see a set of scales and Jesus is putting all these weights on them . . . [my abusers names} eyes are nearly popping out one side of the scales is dipping and dipping so low and lower and lower . . . .they are just shrinking down even lower . . . they have no strength at all now . . . and I feel stronger and taller and bigger and clean and free from guilt like I've been washed . . . if they shrink down much further they'll be on the floor . . . like slugs that was the word i had . . . slugs . . . and you know how to finish slugs off a good dose of salt . . . . pour some salt on them ha ha and they shrink up . . . Jesus said we should be salt and light haha . . . I feel like something is being established in the room . . .a miracle is happening

Wow and they look so tiny now . . . its like they are being swallowed up by the scales . . . . and being turned into little weights and being put on the other side of the scale . . . that is bizarre . . . that is so bizarre . . . but the scales aren’t leveling out . . . whoa Jesus just put his foot down on their side of the scale and stamped it right down . . . wow I felt that . . . wow it is going to be as if it never happened . . . . that was symbolic of his feet wiping it out . . . just wiping it out like dirt off a shoe . . . wow they were just like dog poo on his shoe haha

I am looking at Jesus laughing the whole room seems to be filling with laughter . . . a lightness like floating in the room . . . I can smell the victory . . . all the heaviness is gone . . . no more evil

I want to get up and dance . . . I am dancing round the room . . . Jesus has come over and is dancing with me . . . . round and round and round and round and round and round and round

Wow ‘the victory is yours he says’ . . . it is like he is replacing the sorrow and pain with dancing . . . with him . . . . I have not danced in a long time . . . I feel no embarrassment or awkwardness dancing with him . . . dance dance dance . . . it feels natural . . . it is so wonderful to really dance with him . . . I feel so free

The room feels so big and light now . . . feel like I'm in a ballroom in a ball gown with a tiara on my head . . . and my hair shimmering . . . wow there are rubies in the tiara and sapphires. . . my gown is beautiful it has golden lining like silk and is a lovely maroon with flecks of blue and green and purple running thro it . . . the shoes on my feet match I never match haha I do now though . . . and we are dancing around this ballroom it is huge and there are people all around watching and applauding . . . I feel so tall and graceful and pure . . . I feel like an adult, d'u know what I mean? . . . it's like watching the New Year's Day ball from Vienna . . . it's just like that with the Blue Danube playing in the background . . . its beautiful . . . and he's saying to me ‘you are so worth this you are so worth this you really are that is right so worth this’ . . . the whole room has changed wow

Jesus just threw his head back and laughed a victory bellow almost like a lions roar haha . . . well I've flopped down on a chair now I'm done in and it is like I hear a lions roar haha”

The most wonderful thing about what happened in this is that I loved to dance as a small child, but my parents put me on stages at talent shows. I hated that and stopped dancing as soon as I could. I do still love dance but I don’t dance because I feel very embarrassed, awkward and self conscious dancing. It is like Jesus is starting to restore the joy and freedom of dancing to me.

1st August 2008

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Singing "I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night, I could have spread my wings and done a thousand things I've never done before!!!!"
Freedom!! Thank You Jesus! O releasing Your healing O Lord! Holy Holy is the Lord our God!
The faithfulness of GOD is more precious than gold!
No one like our God!
Fi, the brilliance of God's loving kindness shines through you. His glory is upon you.
Keep dancing Fi! His love is poured out upon you!
Love and blessings,
Ree "SCailfBattleCry"