I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Monday, 4 August 2008


I am being taken through a process of healing some really traumatic memories at the moment. Today Jesus took me back to the night when I was kicked and beaten almost to death by my parents then literally kicked out of front door into the snow, and left there for dead by them. I have always wondered how I survived lying there unconscious for several hours. This is the transcript of what Jesus showed me:-

“He's holding me gently rocking me . . . I feel a cool balm going right down deep through my chest to my core I see angels with their hands in my chest and belly and abdomen . . . Jesus is holding me against his chest . . . .

I see the room where it all took place flooding with light . . . I am surrounded with wings and peace such peace . . .

I see me as I was at 19 and I see Jesus holding me comforting me . . . . that's how I survived His warmth kept me alive . . .

Jesus is wrapped around me I am lying in Him not in the snow that is how I survived . . . He is cradling me . . . He has my head against His chest keeping it covered . . . there are angels there too loads of them in the garden I was not alone when I was lying in the snowy garden . . . for the very first time I realise I was not alone . . . His body took the cold while I was cradled in his warmth this is awesome to see

I always wondered how I survived after I blacked out . . . the angels lifted me off the ground placed me in His embrace and He wrapped himself around me and the angels were wrapped around us . . . wow this is incredible

He is just cradling me so gently . . . ah it is so beautiful . . . I was not alone . . . when I came to it was Him who suggested go up to {friend’s name} yes she's in . . . and I had an escort all the way there . . in fact they came in with us for a while . . . Jesus is sat across the kitchen table from me in her house watching her tend my wounds listening to her rant on about my parents . . .

And listening to her telling me she'll put me on a camp bed in the lounge till she gets somewhere for me . . . He is there smiling . . . I am just sitting there feeling so battered and bruised and {friend’s name} is doing her best to love me but I can't receive it I'm just blanking . . . but it's ok it's just the trauma

Jesus is nodding his head he's happy . . . He knows {friend’s name} will look after me He also knows she will not let them near me . . . wow He is showing me her tears later when she was all alone Jesus is showing me her private reactions to it all . . . . this is so moving . . . oh it’s amazing

I now see myself asleep on the camp bed and Jesus is sat there right beside me caressing my forehead . . . he was there through it all he did see it all

I truly was never alone though I felt so bereft”

So now I know how I survived that night in the snow, now I know how I survived that harrowing night, thank you Jesus for showing me and for bringing healing into that very traumatic memory.

2nd August 2008


Anonymous said...

No weapon that has ever been formed against you Fi has prospered, and never will. Jesus sees to that! He has been and always will be the Present One, when no one else is around, when no one else knows your pain, He is there all of the time, doing those things that no one else can do. The Healer-Savior, the Alpha & Omega, the Faithful One Who brings us flowers when no one else sees . . . the One Who says, lay down your burdens, cast all your cares upon Me because I care for you! Your testimony Fi, causes one to fall in love with the Creator, even more deeply . . . our beautiful, loving God Whose love knows no bounds!
Love & blessings,
Ree "SCalifBattleCry"

Anonymous said...

Oh Fi, your account floods me with memories of my own... and the love of the Lord Jesus sweeps me away once again... thank you for sharing your story, Fi. I know there is much more to come, and He continues to be with you, holding you, every step of your journey.

Love & prayers,
Wanda a.k.a. "Esther"