Who am I?
I’ve asked myself that question many times. Many years ago I wrote a poem on the issue and wrote about 10 shadows that pertain to be me.
What am I talking about?
I am talking about multiple personality disorder, fragmentation, splitting, whatever terminology you care to use.
What I am not talking about is the invisible friends that children create for themselves.
I am talking about real personalities with their own age, names, distinct character and ways of behaving.
When I was child the things I experienced were utterly horrific and too much for a child’s brain or emotions to cope with. Therefore, I split and throughout my childhood I moved from split to split to split. The splitting was an automatic reflex response to what was going on. The interesting thing is that each one is linked directly to a specific event or events. But each one also has memories of other abuses which shows how I moved between the splits to cope. It can be really confusing at times, but I also find it fascinating discovering how I coped and survived the unsurvivable.
And all these people make up me.
Over the last few months of healing I have got to know those 10 shadows and to become aware of others who I haven’t got to know yet.
Sometimes I am Susie aged 3, other times I might be Jake or Terry or Teresa or any of the others.
Throughout my life I have split to cope with trauma. During the recent weeks I have been severely split and it has been impossible to find where the adult ends and where the split begins. It’s a scary place to be but it helps enormously to understand what is actually going on.
And what is really fantastic is how Jesus loves every part of me and how he treats every person that makes me me. One day I hope we will fully integrate and that I’ll be able to make it through life without splitting.