I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Tuesday, 25 November 2008


A friend sent this video to me at my facebook account last night and it just completely blew me away.

Here are some words from the video -

"He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you . . . because that is His nature . . . .that is who He is . . . I am the I am who was promised you . . . who loves you . . . you will always be the beloved . . . . . . open your heart to me . . . . . . I dare you says the Lord . . . give me your heart . . . because I love you 100% as you are right this moment . . . . . . so be loved . . . you are the beloved . . . . I will love you outrageously all the days of your life . . . . . I am He that loves you outrageously . . . when I look at you I see someone that I love . . . . outrageously . . . . you are my beloved . . . . I want you to feel good about yourself."

Let Jesus minister his extravagant and outrageous healing love and acceptance to you as you watch and listen to this amazing video; I commend it wholeheartedly to you and I guarantee that you will not be the same once you've heard this.

Thursday, 13 November 2008


Every little piece, every little piece

I’m gathering every single little piece

Yes, every little piece, I am gathering them

Every little piece of your shattered heart Fi

I’m gathering them together from every place they scattered to

I’m gathering them from the darkest deepest dingiest corner

Every little piece, Fi, every little piece

I know about and care deeply about each and every one

You can trust me again my daughter, my precious child

I will miss none of the little pieces of your heart

I am gathering together all the pieces of your heart

Every little piece is precious to me

Every little piece is special and belongs

Every little piece is known well to me

Yes I know every little piece and how to bring them together

I know what happened to every little piece

And I care deeply about every little piece

I know where each little piece scattered to and why

I know every little piece that has hidden away

I saw them break, scatter, run and hide

I am gathering them all together in order to restore

I will not stop my labours till I have every little piece gathered in

Every little piece will be put back together

In only the way I know how

Yes there will be no fault lines my child

It will be as if your heart never shattered

Every little piece matters to me

Every little piece belongs

Every little piece fits and has its place

I love every little piece of your heart and I love you

You are my masterpiece, my work of art

Every little piece, every little piece Fi

They will come together and be healed

It is ok and it is going to be ok

You are doing great, I am so proud of you

Every little piece of the puzzle will be found by me

Every little piece my daughter

Every little piece my precious princess

Every little piece . . . yes every little piece

13th November 2008

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Website with fantastic healing resources

A friend on Facebook recommended this website to me. The site is a part of Fatherheart Ministries UK. It is so good that I have just got to recommend it to you.


The site has video and audio resources together with written articles and a free monthly newsletter that you can sign up for. The entire site is about revealing God's father heart. It is absolutely phenomenal.

Tuesday, 11 November 2008


Over the last couple of months I’ve been holding on to God and holding on to what I know to be true about Him. It is all I have been able to do, believing deep down, that He is with me; that He knows all about what is going on; that He does love me; and that He is working things out. I cried out and cried out to Him in desperation and yet He was silent. I was desperate to hear from Him to know that He was still with me and hadn’t abandoned me; holding on, hoping and daring to believe that He would speak to me eventually. I knew that He was not angry with me and I knew that I’d done nothing to deserve the utterly broken place that I found myself in, but when God is silent for a prolonged length of time it is really hard. The last couple of months have been the hardest of my life and have taken me to depths or pain, sorrow and grief I never thought I could possibly survive.

Last weekend God broke His silence. During the 2 days God used 4 separate people to speak His voice, His heart and His precious love to me.

What follows is what I was able to remember of what was spoken to me. It gives a sense of God’s heart, and you can see God’s stamp all over them because they all flow from each other and carry the same themes although they were spoken independent of each other.

Let these words minister God’s healing daddy’s heart to you as you read.

“God will water your heart and bring refreshing.

He knows all about it and all about the wilderness and the dry places. There are pools of water in the wilderness. All that you have lost and all that has been stolen from you will be restored fully. He will bring restoration. Jesus loves you so very very much. ch. You are the apple of His eye and He has not forsaken you and will never forsake you.”

“God is wanting to make a new start with you. He is doing a fresh thing. He is going to take you into a whole new level of knowing Him and of Him knowing you. He is interested in getting an intimate relationship with you. He wants to know you in intimacy. He wants to bring life to the dead areas, bringing healing and restoration. He is bringing you into a whole new area of new trust, new intimacy, bringing revelation of His father heart and new hope.”

“You are a jewel in my crown. You are beautiful, so very beautiful to me. You are wonderfully and beautifully made. I remember fashioning you with my hands while you were within the womb. I made you and I know you as you are and love you as you are. Rest in my love, abide; stop striving for it my child, it is yours freely, it is yours unconditionally and it is yours for the whole of eternity. Rest my child, abide; then you will be able to love the hurting and set the captives free. See yourself as a spirit in a body and rest in my love. That will make it easier for you to see yourself as I see you and as the spirit realm sees you. For that is who you really are. As you rest in my love you will gain revelation of my unconditional love for you. Then rest in that revelation and let it go deep. As you do so you will be able to reject all the negative words that have been and will be spoken against you. You will not take on the weight of them anymore. And you will no longer carry the weight of the rejection you have known. Then you will heal and have love and compassion for the lost, loveless, hurting and broken. Go and set the captives free my child, yes that is my will for you, you’ve always known that, and I am confirming it. Go and set the captives free, set the captives free in my name and for my glory. I love you my precious child, rest in that love.”

“God wants you to know that He loves you. And not only does He love you, but He likes you. Yes, He likes you, He really likes you. He created you for Him to look upon. Fiona my precious daughter I want to look upon you. I want to love on you. I want to hug on you. I say you are mine. You are my beautiful one. You are my princess. Yes I am Almighty God, but I am also Father God who loves and likes His precious daughter, my beautiful bride. I am proud of her and I like her so very much, as well as love her very deeply. She has a special place in my heart and will always have that place in my heart. I am Father and I am Son, the bridegroom enjoying my bride and enjoying looking upon my bride, my princess, towards whom my heart is turned. I enjoy you my bride, you are beautiful to me and very precious to me, come and rest in that love.”

Sat 8th November 2008

Sunday, 2 November 2008

A Strange Weekend

Last weekend I went and stayed with friends. On the one hand I had a lovely weekend and enjoyed their company and am glad I went. But on the other hand I had a really difficult and traumatic time coping with stuff and coping with me over the weekend. I am glad I went but have come away a little shocked and shaken by what’s going on inside me.

I met these friends back in March and spent time with them in April and May when I was feeling much more at ease and was much happier. I was in a lot of ways a very different person then to the person I am now. They are the most accepting couple of people I’ve ever had the privilege to meet. I think that they unconditionally accept me as I am, even if I don’t.

The person I am now scares and unsettles me. It was during the weekend that the full impact of the damage I have sustained as a result of Kim dumping me hit me. I realised how my basic trust which I was building up really well has been shattered and how I have closed up in response.

I am someone who is straight and honest with people I don’t play games with them. Throughout the weekend, every time my friend asked me something to try to open up conversation I shut it down. Little voices inside said hush you cannot give any information, it’s not safe. I was back as that frightened child who didn’t know what was safe to say and what wasn’t so it’s best to say nothing. That really annoyed and unsettled me. I didn’t like that because I knew my friend was safe and was only trying to open up conversation. But I just shut down and shut the conversation down at the same time. And I hated myself at times for that because I knew I was with safe people but found myself reacting out of that place of trust which has been so shattered, instead of that adult place which knew it was ok.

I spent the weekend trying to open up and finding myself shutting down, talking to my multiples and telling them that they were safe and I wouldn’t let anything happen to them.

I spend my life alone, very alone in fact. Happy with my own company but hating the isolation, longing to be less isolated, yearning for company, yet when I have it I can’t cope with it. It’s a crazy life sometimes!! I was glad when it was time to go home and get back to normal, but at the same time felt really bad about that because I enjoy being with my friends too.

Usually I communicate better with females than with males, I automatically feel safer with them. But that didn’t happen during the weekend. I was as bad communicating with either of them. And when the coach pulled away and I waved goodbye to them I felt waves of self loathing, anger and disappointment engulf me, and in that moment I hated myself because I had messed things up and not been the person I wanted to be.

But then I can only be who I am and Jesus accepts me as I am, knowing all there is to know about me, He still accepts me as I am. I can only rest in that and let that knowledge bring healing to those shattered places, knowing that I won’t be like this forever. I have to tell myself this is a phase, a passing moment of my life, and can only get better because I aint gonna quit, and Jesus aint gonna quit on me either.

2nd November 2008