Last weekend I went and stayed with friends. On the one hand I had a lovely weekend and enjoyed their company and am glad I went. But on the other hand I had a really difficult and traumatic time coping with stuff and coping with me over the weekend. I am glad I went but have come away a little shocked and shaken by what’s going on inside me.
I met these friends back in March and spent time with them in April and May when I was feeling much more at ease and was much happier. I was in a lot of ways a very different person then to the person I am now. They are the most accepting couple of people I’ve ever had the privilege to meet. I think that they unconditionally accept me as I am, even if I don’t.
The person I am now scares and unsettles me. It was during the weekend that the full impact of the damage I have sustained as a result of Kim dumping me hit me. I realised how my basic trust which I was building up really well has been shattered and how I have closed up in response.
I am someone who is straight and honest with people I don’t play games with them. Throughout the weekend, every time my friend asked me something to try to open up conversation I shut it down. Little voices inside said hush you cannot give any information, it’s not safe. I was back as that frightened child who didn’t know what was safe to say and what wasn’t so it’s best to say nothing. That really annoyed and unsettled me. I didn’t like that because I knew my friend was safe and was only trying to open up conversation. But I just shut down and shut the conversation down at the same time. And I hated myself at times for that because I knew I was with safe people but found myself reacting out of that place of trust which has been so shattered, instead of that adult place which knew it was ok.
I spent the weekend trying to open up and finding myself shutting down, talking to my multiples and telling them that they were safe and I wouldn’t let anything happen to them.
I spend my life alone, very alone in fact. Happy with my own company but hating the isolation, longing to be less isolated, yearning for company, yet when I have it I can’t cope with it. It’s a crazy life sometimes!! I was glad when it was time to go home and get back to normal, but at the same time felt really bad about that because I enjoy being with my friends too.
Usually I communicate better with females than with males, I automatically feel safer with them. But that didn’t happen during the weekend. I was as bad communicating with either of them. And when the coach pulled away and I waved goodbye to them I felt waves of self loathing, anger and disappointment engulf me, and in that moment I hated myself because I had messed things up and not been the person I wanted to be.
But then I can only be who I am and Jesus accepts me as I am, knowing all there is to know about me, He still accepts me as I am. I can only rest in that and let that knowledge bring healing to those shattered places, knowing that I won’t be like this forever. I have to tell myself this is a phase, a passing moment of my life, and can only get better because I aint gonna quit, and Jesus aint gonna quit on me either.
2nd November 2008