I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 2 November 2008

A Strange Weekend

Last weekend I went and stayed with friends. On the one hand I had a lovely weekend and enjoyed their company and am glad I went. But on the other hand I had a really difficult and traumatic time coping with stuff and coping with me over the weekend. I am glad I went but have come away a little shocked and shaken by what’s going on inside me.

I met these friends back in March and spent time with them in April and May when I was feeling much more at ease and was much happier. I was in a lot of ways a very different person then to the person I am now. They are the most accepting couple of people I’ve ever had the privilege to meet. I think that they unconditionally accept me as I am, even if I don’t.

The person I am now scares and unsettles me. It was during the weekend that the full impact of the damage I have sustained as a result of Kim dumping me hit me. I realised how my basic trust which I was building up really well has been shattered and how I have closed up in response.

I am someone who is straight and honest with people I don’t play games with them. Throughout the weekend, every time my friend asked me something to try to open up conversation I shut it down. Little voices inside said hush you cannot give any information, it’s not safe. I was back as that frightened child who didn’t know what was safe to say and what wasn’t so it’s best to say nothing. That really annoyed and unsettled me. I didn’t like that because I knew my friend was safe and was only trying to open up conversation. But I just shut down and shut the conversation down at the same time. And I hated myself at times for that because I knew I was with safe people but found myself reacting out of that place of trust which has been so shattered, instead of that adult place which knew it was ok.

I spent the weekend trying to open up and finding myself shutting down, talking to my multiples and telling them that they were safe and I wouldn’t let anything happen to them.

I spend my life alone, very alone in fact. Happy with my own company but hating the isolation, longing to be less isolated, yearning for company, yet when I have it I can’t cope with it. It’s a crazy life sometimes!! I was glad when it was time to go home and get back to normal, but at the same time felt really bad about that because I enjoy being with my friends too.

Usually I communicate better with females than with males, I automatically feel safer with them. But that didn’t happen during the weekend. I was as bad communicating with either of them. And when the coach pulled away and I waved goodbye to them I felt waves of self loathing, anger and disappointment engulf me, and in that moment I hated myself because I had messed things up and not been the person I wanted to be.

But then I can only be who I am and Jesus accepts me as I am, knowing all there is to know about me, He still accepts me as I am. I can only rest in that and let that knowledge bring healing to those shattered places, knowing that I won’t be like this forever. I have to tell myself this is a phase, a passing moment of my life, and can only get better because I aint gonna quit, and Jesus aint gonna quit on me either.

2nd November 2008

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