I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Friday, 30 January 2009

An Excerpt from "EYES WIDE OPEN - I Physically Felt His Big Arms Wrap Around Me - ALL BECAUSE OF JOY" by Julie A. Smith Jan 29, 2009

“A couple of months ago, I went through a hard-core inner healing course at my church called "Life Change." This is not a course to be taken lightly; this is a serious inner healing course for those wanting to be free of life's past traumas and disappointments . . . . I knew this was not going to be easy to go through—some people walk out of this class because it can be hard to face those past traumas head on.

The night before, I started having second thoughts about this class, thinking how hard it would be. But the Lord spoke to me and said, "You've already walked through the hard part" (referring to the disappointment). And He went on to say, "You won't want to walk out because you're walking in." Then He said, "I just want to give you My joy." I didn't know the fullness of what this meant yet but knew I was going to find out.

One of the very first lessons taught in this class is: pain is not your enemy; it's what you do with it that can be. Life will come with pain and disappointment but harboring it and not letting go of it can cause issues of its own. That's when bitterness and unforgiveness set in and some may cope with their pain by tangible means, like forming habits of overeating, drinking, erratic spending, and much more.

I'll never forget the second night of this class—it was my breakthrough night. There is one-on-one time with just you and God, and He meets each and every person there intimately, personally, and passionately. I had a choice to go before the Lord and decide if I was going to give Him all my disappointment. He spoke intimately to me of how He never intended for me to live this way . . .

The next and last evening of my inner healing class, we were in a session of prayer and worship, and again we were in a very intimate setting with the Lord. During worship, my spiritual eyes were opened into a heavenly place I have never seen before. As I was standing in this room, I saw a shadow hovering over me from behind, and I knew it was the Lord overshadowing me. Then I physically felt His big arms wrap around me from behind. He embraced me tightly. That's when my eyes opened wide!

I saw many, many angels crowding the room we were in. It was so crowded with angels that I felt them running into me—they were brushing against my shoulders as they passed by in the room. At this point I can't believe what I am seeing! Heaven came down in great joy before me. In the room, angels were dancing and twirling, singing, playing slapjack with each other, laughing, and talking about us—the people in the inner healing class. They were saying to each other, "Wow, do you see her? She just got set free! Hey, look at her; she just got set free too!"

The freer we became, the more the angels danced and played with each other. It was as if their joy was contingent on us being free! I was so overwhelmed with what I was seeing; I was speechless. I think this is what it means to have "unspeakable joy." Psalm 16:11 says, "In Your presence is fullness of joy"—that Scripture came alive to me in the joy room. In His presence was the fullness of joy as the Lord's arms were wrapped around me . . . .

That night I walked into my joy—the joy the Lord wanted to give me. There was no disappointment in this room; it certainly couldn't survive the joy surrounding the atmosphere. Disappointment didn't stand a chance!

Being in this joy room reminded me of being on a playground surrounded by children playing. The angels in the joy room were playing just like children do. The spirit of joy children have was always meant to be kept alive in all of us—big and small; God never intended for us to give it up as adults! I walked away from my joy weekend filled with a peace I hadn't had in a long time. I was free of the disappointment that had held me captive.

The word I hear for this year is "JOY!" God wants to give us His unspeakable joy this year. His joy is not of this world but only comes from Him, the Giver of joy. The joy He gives will never fail you, in fact, it will set you free. Ask God to give you His joy. Trade in your past disappointment for the joy of Heaven. Ask God to bring down the joy room of Heaven for you to live in. And I highly recommend hanging out with children and playing with them; within them is the same God-given joy in Heaven!

The joy room of Heaven came down while I was in church in an inner healing class. I also believe this was a prophetic picture for the Church. God is going to fill His Church with heavenly joy, and the world will be coming to experience it! No stronghold stands a chance because in His presence is the fullness of joy!

As I shared earlier, we all deal with disappointment, but it's what we do with it that is so important to Him. It's time to be transparent with our disappointments and take them to the Lord. Give your disappointment to Him; don't let it harbor inside you for one more minute of time—that's one more minute of disappointment robbing you from the Joy of the Lord.”

Julie A. Smith, Editor ElijahList and ElijahRain Magazine

www.elijahlist.com Email: info@elijahlist.net

Thursday, 29 January 2009


Jesus whispered to me

“I've loved you all your days and will never stop loving you”

all of the days of my life were written in your book before I was formed every single one of them you formed me with your very own hands I am your craftsmanship and you were pleased with what you made and you are still pleased with what you made

“you are so precious before my eyes that I cannot take my eyes off you my heart longs for you to gain an understanding, deep appreciation in your spirit of how much I love you how dearly I love you”

you actually like me and you delight in me and sing and dance over me and nothing and no one can take that away from me

“how my heart longs for you to gain an understanding, deep appreciation in your spirit of how precious you are to me my beloved and how I long for you to trust me and to trust that my love is a safe love”

can I really be safe?

“you can be safe with me you can my child you can stop running it's time to stop running scared”

help me to stop running to stop being scared to believe that you could love me Jesus when all others have rejected and said Fi you're bad and given up on me and decided that I'm just too heavy duty it would be nice to feel safe one day

“I have loved you with an everlasting love my daughter”

thank you Jesus that you won't ever belittle me you want me to shine with your light and your life as a beacon of hope

“My love is a love that spans eternity and is like a circle, it never ends I love you and I always have loved you, my love is everlasting”

and most of all you just long for me to be me and to be secure in who you made me to be. Thank you Jesus, I love the way that you are using circumstances to bring deep healing right deep in my shattered identity, that I am finding my identity in you as your beloved. But not only am I your beloved but I am beloved, I am beloved!!! That's pretty astounding - that I am beloved - beloved not rejected - beloved not forsaken - beloved not abandoned - beloved and never alone - beloved and totally wanted - beloved and totally accepted - beloved and fearfully and wonderfully made - beloved and beautiful - beloved and precious. Thank you Jesus, no one and nothing can take that away from me because it has been downloaded and engraved into my spirit .

I see a hand and it is writing beautiful embossed writing like on a carcass but I knew that was my inside, somewhere deep in my spirit. I saw that writing being branded and sealed with a hot iron. I saw steam coming off it. I saw a nod of approval and heard the words 'it is well done' as they were sealed with the hot iron. Steam came off the letters as the hot iron was applied and I just knew somehow that the hot iron was sealing the letters so they couldn't get smudged or erased. I saw a parchment too that there is a record held in heaven too that's what I saw


22 January 2009

Thursday, 15 January 2009

BELOVED . . . .

Beloved, I have not called you to learn the doctrines of men. I have called you to allow My Spirit to reveal the truth of My Word. Do not be distracted with the trappings of religious exercise, but rather seek to know Me.

If you will seek Me with all of your heart, you will find Me, says the Lord. But, it will take some effort on your part to break through and rise above your emotions and thoughts into the realm of the Spirit.

John 4:24 “God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”

Jeremiah 24:7 “Then I will give them a heart to know Me, that I am the LORD; and they shall be My people, and I will be their God, for they shall turn to Me with their whole heart.”

Wednesday, 14 January 2009


A couple of days ago I was talking to a friend just generally, not talking about the past or my current struggles. All of a sudden she turned to me and said “Remember how David danced before the Lord until He got the breakthrough? . . . . Fiona I have that – sing and dance before the Lord, lift up holy hands and shake off those heavy bands yes Fiona do that Fiona dance and praise the Lord in the holy ghost . . . keep praying and praising and dancing . . . get ready to jump and shout praises to the Lord”.

I knew in my spirit that that was a Holy Spirit moment. I also knew that God was touching on something that goes very very deep. As I squirmed and tried to change the conversation He reminded me how much He dances over me in sheer delight, captivated by me and by my beauty.

My friend knows nothing of my reticence about singing and dancing. I’ve talked about this issue a bit before but feel the need to explore it a bit further.

There was a time when I loved to sing and dance. Part of me longs to be free enough to be able to now. I love to see dance used in worship and love to see other art forms such as banners and painting during worship too. I really long to be able to express myself like that. But something deep within me kind of shuts down; the same part of me that so longs to be able to be so expressive in those ways. When my friend spoke I squirmed very uncomfortably inside. The adult me feels very awkward and embarrassed about singing and dancing and being seen to sing and dance.

But the real problem is with the child inside me. The child inside who was forced to wear frilly dresses, and go on stage and perform to rooms and theatres filled with goggling adults. The child who had to wear that forced smile and put up with everyone touching her face and saying “haven’t you got a lovely smile, and what gorgeous dimples”. The child who wanted to scream and shout “leave me alone, don’t touch me, I hate all this”, and run and hide but instead smiled and performed her duties, singing and dancing and smiling to order.

Even today there are people who say to me “you got such a lovely smile”. And part of me squirms and feels like saying “no I haven’t, go away, leave me alone, you’re embarrassing me”. There is one person in particular that I am thinking of as I write. Instead I carry on smiling and wish the ground would open up and swallow me or the person talking to me.

Every day I sit at my desk and work on my computer in front of my eyes on the wall is a little quote which I’ve put on this site. But I am reminded to repeat it here, just for myself - "Dance like no one is watching; Sing like no one is listening; And Love like you’ve never been hurt".

I think this may be the next area that God wants to bring healing to. And I reckon it’s time to tighten my seat belt. Maybe I am being brought into a place of freedom where I can begin tentatively dance and sing again and start to have some peace in this area.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009


Well folks, here we are, 2009 is under way and this is my attempt to put my many thoughts into some kind of order. I am not someone who makes New Year resolutions, but thought I would share my thoughts and hopes for the coming year.

I really hope my relationship with Jesus will really deepen and that my roots will go down so deep that He becomes my only source and resource. Jesus is my reason for living, but I know that my own fears and insecurities mean I keep Him at an arms length so often when I desperately want the intimacy of relationship with Him that He wants with me. I long to trust Him far more tangibly than I do already. I know that when push comes to shove I trust Him completely. But I long for a more tangible nature to my relationship with Him. And I long to know God as my father/daddy far better. It's funny I'm much more comfortable now with the fact of Him being daddy as well as God, but I long for that childlike abandonment of my fears and insecurities, and I hope one day to actually be able to call Him Father. It may seem to be just a matter of words, but actually the word 'Father' has so many difficult connotations for me, it is a measure of how healed I am as to how much I can think of God as my father. 'Daddy' is fine now, but we've got some work to do on 'father'.

On the surface it appears that I have stopped doing any healing work since Kim dumped me last September. It has been a source of major concern for me, will I be able to pick up the shattered pieces of my healing journey? I had never trusted anyone like I trusted Kim or allowed anyone so close to the real me. But actually I've not stagnated, like I thought I had. I've had to heal from Kim's betrayal, and I know that I am still healing from that. And it is taking a long time, but then the betrayal was deep and shattering.

Although I am not actively doing any healing work I am moving on in my relationships with people, learning to let people in and stop pushing them away out of fear. And I am making real progress there, which is really good.

I would love to pick up the healing side of things again, but I still have some healing to do before I can. But I am healing, when I thought I would never recover . . . .

the most wonderful thing is how God has turned things around and brought new people in to my life . . .

I will never be able to see or accept that what happened was God's will; it is never God's heart that people treat other people like that, but He is the master at turning the bleakest situations around. And that is what He is doing, and it is wonderful. In a very bizarre way, it has been worth going through what I have the last few months, to witness God's ability to turn it all around and bring good out of it . . . .

I know that He aint finished me with yet . . . and I sure aint finished with healing . . . but I can begin to see that I will be able to pick up the pieces and move forward . . . .

I suppose I'm just refusing to worry about it all anymore, but learning to relax and trust that God knows what He is doing and that He will lead me into all it is that He has for me in 2009. . . . and that He is more than able and more than capable of turning all that I hand to Him and turning it around and bringing good out of it . . . . and that I am stronger for all I've gone through the last few months . . . . I am healing and I will find a way forward . . . I am a precious child of God and worthy of love . . . I am stronger than I think . . . I am worth it . . . and good stuff doesn't just happen to other people . . . with Jesus on my side I am on the winning side . . . and most of all Jesus aint going to quit on me . . . and I am no quitter . . . so watch this space and see how things develop!!!