I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. Without God's intervention in my life I wouldn't be here - NOW is the time for me to tell MY story by speaking the TRUTH about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being restored. This blog has helped me begin to get my voice back and documents the journey God is taking me on to heal me from the trauma and damage caused by that most appalling abuse.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

NEW YEAR MUSINGS

Well folks, here we are, 2009 is under way and this is my attempt to put my many thoughts into some kind of order. I am not someone who makes New Year resolutions, but thought I would share my thoughts and hopes for the coming year.

I really hope my relationship with Jesus will really deepen and that my roots will go down so deep that He becomes my only source and resource. Jesus is my reason for living, but I know that my own fears and insecurities mean I keep Him at an arms length so often when I desperately want the intimacy of relationship with Him that He wants with me. I long to trust Him far more tangibly than I do already. I know that when push comes to shove I trust Him completely. But I long for a more tangible nature to my relationship with Him. And I long to know God as my father/daddy far better. It's funny I'm much more comfortable now with the fact of Him being daddy as well as God, but I long for that childlike abandonment of my fears and insecurities, and I hope one day to actually be able to call Him Father. It may seem to be just a matter of words, but actually the word 'Father' has so many difficult connotations for me, it is a measure of how healed I am as to how much I can think of God as my father. 'Daddy' is fine now, but we've got some work to do on 'father'.

On the surface it appears that I have stopped doing any healing work since Kim dumped me last September. It has been a source of major concern for me, will I be able to pick up the shattered pieces of my healing journey? I had never trusted anyone like I trusted Kim or allowed anyone so close to the real me. But actually I've not stagnated, like I thought I had. I've had to heal from Kim's betrayal, and I know that I am still healing from that. And it is taking a long time, but then the betrayal was deep and shattering.

Although I am not actively doing any healing work I am moving on in my relationships with people, learning to let people in and stop pushing them away out of fear. And I am making real progress there, which is really good.

I would love to pick up the healing side of things again, but I still have some healing to do before I can. But I am healing, when I thought I would never recover . . . .

the most wonderful thing is how God has turned things around and brought new people in to my life . . .

I will never be able to see or accept that what happened was God's will; it is never God's heart that people treat other people like that, but He is the master at turning the bleakest situations around. And that is what He is doing, and it is wonderful. In a very bizarre way, it has been worth going through what I have the last few months, to witness God's ability to turn it all around and bring good out of it . . . .

I know that He aint finished me with yet . . . and I sure aint finished with healing . . . but I can begin to see that I will be able to pick up the pieces and move forward . . . .

I suppose I'm just refusing to worry about it all anymore, but learning to relax and trust that God knows what He is doing and that He will lead me into all it is that He has for me in 2009. . . . and that He is more than able and more than capable of turning all that I hand to Him and turning it around and bringing good out of it . . . . and that I am stronger for all I've gone through the last few months . . . . I am healing and I will find a way forward . . . I am a precious child of God and worthy of love . . . I am stronger than I think . . . I am worth it . . . and good stuff doesn't just happen to other people . . . with Jesus on my side I am on the winning side . . . and most of all Jesus aint going to quit on me . . . and I am no quitter . . . so watch this space and see how things develop!!!

4 comments:

Scrappy Raven said...

It's a struggle sometimes to let God in. Love your blog.

Elizabeth Bennett said...

Hi, anyone suffering from abuse during the formative years will be healing for a good portion of the their lives. What is important is that you have recognized this and are doing something about it. GOD will always be there to get you through. Hang tough and thanks for sharing your blog.

Take Care,
Elizabeth Bennett

Anonymous said...

Radical Discipliship involves radical commitment and you are one of the Rad D's!!!!!!! Keep sharing your testimony to all who read.....

Mike E.

PRINCESS FI said...

Thanks folks for all your comments, they are such an encouragement to me, keep em coming.

Thanks again

Fi