I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Wednesday, 14 January 2009


A couple of days ago I was talking to a friend just generally, not talking about the past or my current struggles. All of a sudden she turned to me and said “Remember how David danced before the Lord until He got the breakthrough? . . . . Fiona I have that – sing and dance before the Lord, lift up holy hands and shake off those heavy bands yes Fiona do that Fiona dance and praise the Lord in the holy ghost . . . keep praying and praising and dancing . . . get ready to jump and shout praises to the Lord”.

I knew in my spirit that that was a Holy Spirit moment. I also knew that God was touching on something that goes very very deep. As I squirmed and tried to change the conversation He reminded me how much He dances over me in sheer delight, captivated by me and by my beauty.

My friend knows nothing of my reticence about singing and dancing. I’ve talked about this issue a bit before but feel the need to explore it a bit further.

There was a time when I loved to sing and dance. Part of me longs to be free enough to be able to now. I love to see dance used in worship and love to see other art forms such as banners and painting during worship too. I really long to be able to express myself like that. But something deep within me kind of shuts down; the same part of me that so longs to be able to be so expressive in those ways. When my friend spoke I squirmed very uncomfortably inside. The adult me feels very awkward and embarrassed about singing and dancing and being seen to sing and dance.

But the real problem is with the child inside me. The child inside who was forced to wear frilly dresses, and go on stage and perform to rooms and theatres filled with goggling adults. The child who had to wear that forced smile and put up with everyone touching her face and saying “haven’t you got a lovely smile, and what gorgeous dimples”. The child who wanted to scream and shout “leave me alone, don’t touch me, I hate all this”, and run and hide but instead smiled and performed her duties, singing and dancing and smiling to order.

Even today there are people who say to me “you got such a lovely smile”. And part of me squirms and feels like saying “no I haven’t, go away, leave me alone, you’re embarrassing me”. There is one person in particular that I am thinking of as I write. Instead I carry on smiling and wish the ground would open up and swallow me or the person talking to me.

Every day I sit at my desk and work on my computer in front of my eyes on the wall is a little quote which I’ve put on this site. But I am reminded to repeat it here, just for myself - "Dance like no one is watching; Sing like no one is listening; And Love like you’ve never been hurt".

I think this may be the next area that God wants to bring healing to. And I reckon it’s time to tighten my seat belt. Maybe I am being brought into a place of freedom where I can begin tentatively dance and sing again and start to have some peace in this area.


Anonymous said...

Woohoo, yeah tighten your seat belt for sure, but it'll be worth it!!

Anonymous said...

That's an amazing likeness to me! The whole smiling to cover all the horror of what was really going on in my life!