I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Wednesday, 25 March 2009


The issues of forgiveness and letting go of vengeance are ones I keep finding myself returning to over and over on my healing journey. While I was working through terrible torture that I endured as a child at my parents’ hands I became stuck and could not find it in me to forgive and let go of the desire for vengeance and justice. The person I was working this through with starting talking about the cross, the walk to Calvary and all that happened to Jesus that day and suggested to me that I ask God to show me that walk. Believe me, I sat there and thought do I really want to do this? Do I really want to see this? But I knew it was going to be key if I really wanted to move forward. What follows is the transcript of the vision which God took me through of Jesus’s long, lonely bloody journey to the cross at Calvary. And before you ask, yes, by the end of this I was able to forgive, let go of my desire for revenge and justice. The text in italics is the words of the person I was working this through with – my words are in bold green - let me warn you, it is very graphic in nature – but read this and you’ll never be the same again.

God’s heart is like stick of rock it's got love written right through it - just like the candy bar rock has letters right through it - He knows how I used to love rock so He chose to show it that way to me - like Blackpool rock would have the word Blackpool written right through it

ask Him to show you the beatings and the walk to calvary and the cross and Him hanging on it but don’t let what you have seen in the movies come in just what Jesus is showing you and ask him to let you hear it all - are you hearing it? loud isn't it?

Yep the clamour of the crowds in those narrow streets, the jeers, lies, false accusations, deafening, unbearable, the coarseness of the language of those soldiers

watch them put the crown of thorns in his head and the beating of the 39 stripes him naked carrying the cross through the streets

they rammed it down, his back ripped open

from what I have read they have discovered that it was not a cross that we know of so let HIM show you not what we have perceived

no it wasn't - the splinters of wood going into those open wounds

just like you when they poked you with things that had points, holy spirit said that when you were in that room in your house as a child

He is barely distinguishable as a man, so disfigured and bloodied, I just caught sight of his face the wounds where his beard was pulled out with the flesh, His eyes still full of love though, He is behind soldiers who are pushing the crowds back to let him through, they are rough and mean they don't care who they hurt, there is so little space in those narrow streets so many people clamoring to see the sight ,they don't care, they are pushing people, He is staggering under the weight of the beam, barely conscious it seems as He falls, someone jumps forward with a cup of water but a soldier kicks it out of their hand jeering

they were so mean to Simon too he took some of the beating too, I did not know that Jesus, anyone that was there for Jesus they were mean to

yes they did they were horrible to him and now Jesus’s blood is on Simon, my Jesus is staggering along barely alive, I can hardly bear to watch, the noise is horrendous, the noise of the coarse language of the soldiers shouting and swearing, the crowd jeering baying for his blood, others crying out for mercy, the noise of the soldier's whips cracking, he was naked on that cross

that is right and naked in the streets

He knows what it was like to be naked and stared at by so many and jeered at in His nakedness, He knows how that felt, He really really does

Yes He does Yes Fiona He does - He is saying to Me that HIS HEART GOES OUT TO YOU BELOVED FIONA - this is the biggest hurdle you have to face - it is your life and your death life to you and death to the past – you will not be wooden any more without feeling or remorse for people

He is reminding me that He knows what it felt like to have my naked body poked and prodded and beaten and bruised, because His was, for there to be nowhere to hide in your nakedness and how that felt

Jesus was almost a bloody pulp wasn't He? The blood He lost and still He was walking to the cross

yes barely human yes somehow - people died in the crowd that day trampled to death, children got trampled to death as well as adults, people were trampled in the crowd, it was a riot, many people died in that riot, they bullied Simon all the way, there was a stench of death, the smell is horrendous makes me sick to the stomach, the smell of blood, the stench of blood and you can see His internal organs, His intestines hanging out of his ripped open back flesh hanging big pieces of ripped flesh, how on earth did He bear that pain? Horrendous injuries that should have killed Him outright

HE did it for you Fiona YOU had to see HIS love the whole way of that Journey to that cross AND HE DID NOT FIGHT BACK HE DID NOT FIGHT BACK NO ANGER NO ANIMOSITY, NO HATRED BUT PURE LOVE PURE HOLY LOVE FOR THOSE THAT TORE HIM APART no trying to justify himself or get vengeance on those who showed him so much hatred and disregard, that was a very long lonely walk to the cross, no disciples there to encourage him, He was alone amongst that crowd baying for His blood, accusing of things He had not done SAME AS YOU ACCUSING YOU OF THINGS THAT YOU WERE NOT BECAUSE HE IS JUSTICE WE GET THAT JUSTICE WHEN WE COME TO HIM AND FOLLOWING HIM - I AM LEARNING RIGHT HERE WHEN WE GET EVEN WE GET SICK, WHEN JESUS IS THE AVENGER WE GET HEALTH

yes same as me, calling Him names, they called me names,spitting on Him they spat on me, naked and no place to hide, thirsty and nothing to drink , just like me, battered and bruised stripped and humiliated, lied about just like me, He was innocent just as I was, no mercy shown to him, no mercy shown to me


Hatred, vengeance, curiosity too, baying for His blood like a pack of hounds, some show disgust, some show pity, but they are in the minority - it's breaking the hardness in my heart it's blowing my mind how someone could endure that, it was bad enough what I endured the pain I endured and the humiliation, but it was nothing compared to that, the abandonment of His disciples, the betrayal of Peter, just as I knew abandonment and betrayal but He still loved them unlike me - I hated


they are getting the nails to hammer into Him and they are not like we think, they were long, thick, jagged, the damage they did as they were hammered in, it must have been beyond agony, those nails, it is beyond comprehension how He bore that pain

YOU HAD TO SEE THIS HE SAID YOU HAD TO SEE THIS - AND THEN HE CALLED YOU DAUGHTER - HOW COULD HAVE THERE BEEN MORE PAIN? HOW HE ENDURED IT ------- THE JOY THAT WAS SET BEFORE HIM THAT CROSS ------- BECAUSE HE KNEW THAT ALL MANKIND WOULD BE REDEEMED AND BE WITH HIM IN HEAVEN, THAT IS HOW HE ENDURED IT WITH THE LOVE IN HIS HEART AND THE FATHERS HEART, AND HE KNEW WHAT IT WOULD BE IN HEAVEN, A WELCOME HOME KING - Jesus your walk to Calvary was long and hard Jesus they beating you all the way cursing you and the crowds jeering, JESUS there is something about your cross, it was not a clean cross it was a bloody bloody walk and rioting and beating, you were ripped and torn to unrecognizable before you ever got to the cross YOU were to hang on - the old rugged cross was the old bloody cross and the way of suffering was total suffering for HIM yet YOU did not fight back Jesus, YOU did not fight back, JESUS you endured the walk with joy that which was before you

I hear the crowd jeering “if you're the messiah why don't you come down off that cross”, I hear the thief jeering and cursing I hear another voice a lower voice saying “remember me Jesus when you enter into your kingdom”, can barely hear it above the jeers but it's there, and Jesus hears it, “believe me, today you will be with me in paradise”, I hear the sound of Mary sobbing and sobbing, her heart broken


I hear the love in Jesus voice as He speaks forgiveness from the cross, and the desolation as He cries out “father why have you forsaken me”, oh the total desolation of that cry as the Father turned away from His son. Jesus felt the utter desolation that I felt when abandoned and left for dead in the snow. Jesus felt that turning of His Father in that moment, oh the desolation of that feeling, I hear Jesus's final cry of triumph before He died “it is finished”, it was a cry of triumph, the work was complete, I wonder how Mary could bear that pain of seeing her son treated like that, it was like a sword piercing her heart - there is that awful realisation that hard as it was to choose to forgive, it is even harder to act on that forgiveness and do what Jesus wants me to and is asking me, can you forgive yourself? can I forgive myself for hating?


He is asking me will I ask Him to bless them and to release all vengeance into His hands? will I speak blessing over them and not cursing? Love those that hate you and pray for those that despitefully use you - He just said to me I am not asking you to share space with them in heaven - Oh Jesus you know me so well - it's awful because there is that something within me that cries out but they deserve that - but the awful truth is so do I - and if it were not for the cross speaking mercy over me

19th March 2009

Tuesday, 10 March 2009


After living what I felt was a “decent” life. My time on earth came to the end.

The first thing I remember is sitting on a bench in the waiting room of what I thought to be a court house. The doors opened and I was instructed to come in and have a seat by the defense table.

I looked around and I saw the “prosecutor”. He was a villainous looking gent who snarled as he stared at me. He definitely was the most evil person I have ever seen. I sat down and looked to my left and there sat my attorney, kind and gentle looking man whose appearance seemed so familiar to me, I felt I knew HIM.

The corner door flew open and there appeared the Judge in full flowing robes. He commanded an awesome presence as He moved across the room I couldn’t take my eyes off of Him.

As He took His seat behind the bench, He said, “Let us begin.”

The prosecutor rose and said --------- “My name is Satan and I am here to show you why this man belongs in hell.” He proceeded to tell of lies that I told, things that I stole, and in the past when I cheated others. Satan told of other horrible perversions that were once in my life and the more he spoke, the further down in my seat I sank. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t look at anyone, even my own attorney, as the Devil told of sins that even I had completely forgotten about.

As upset as I was at Satan for telling all these things about me, I was equally upset at My attorney who sat there silently not offering any form of defense at all. I know I had been guilty of those things, but I had done some good in my life – couldn’t that at least equal out part of the harm I’d done?

Satan finished with a fury and said “this man belongs in hell, he is guilty of all that I have charged and there is not a person who can prove otherwise.”

When it was His turn, My attorney first asked if He might approach the bench. The Judge allowed this over the strong objection of Satan, and beckoned Him to come forward. And He got up and started walking, I was able to see Him in His full splendor and majesty. I realized why he seemed so familiar; this was my Jesus representing me, my Lord and my Savior.

He stopped at the bench and softly said: “Satan does not understand yet. This man is not to be given justice, but rather mercy.”

As Jesus sat down, He quietly paused, looked at His father and said, “There is nothing else that needs to be done.”------- “I’VE DONE IT ALL.”

THE judge lifted His mighty hand and slammed the gavel down. The following words bellowed from His lips. “This man is free. The penalty for him has already been paid in full. CASE DISMISSED.”

As my Lord led me away, I could hear Satan ranting and raving, “I won’t give up, I will win the next one.”

I asked Jesus as He gave me my instructions where to go next, “Have you ever lost a case?”

Jesus lovingly smiled and said, “Everyone that has come to Me and asked Me to represent them has received the same verdict as you “PAID IN FULL”

Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big God is!

(This article was sent to me by a friend and reproduced with kind permission)


I don't know about you but I know for me that I have to put up with an almost constant natter natter natter from satan accusing me and reminding me of things I'd rather forget or had long forgotten. Quite often I find myself bogged down and having to admit that actually satan has got it right (to a degree anyway).

BUT GOD . . . .

Scripture tells me that Jesus is forever standing before the Father interceding for me, speaking on my behalf, laying the case for me before Him because of my relationship with Him.

So whose opinion is the one that really matters? Well it certainly isn't the accuser's now. So I am heartened and enormously encouraged to be reminded that Jesus has done it all for me. He said "it is finished" as He died. The work was complete at the cross and my accuser defeated.

And I am reminded of a song that says "your cross has spoken mercy over me".

The wonderful thing is that the cross of Jesus for all eternity speaks "mercy" over me because of my faith and trust in Jesus and most of all because of His precious blood which pours from calvary over my life covering a multitude. Thank you Jesus!!!!