I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Saturday, 25 April 2009


A friend invited me to the Epidemic Life youth conference at Bath 16-18 April, just gone. I spent 2 months procrastinating whether I should go or not, I knew in my heart of hearts that I was meant to go. But as it was a youth and young adults conference I did think I was way too old to be going, and I was nervous about meeting in person who had invited me to go. In the end I listened to the voice inside which was saying you are supposed to go and booked myself in for it. But I could only get accommodation for the first two nights, and in the end could not have afforded a third night, even if I could have got somewhere, so settled for having to miss the final night of the conference. God knowing every detail of my life knew that and ensured the programme got changed so He could begin to work in an area of my life that so needed to be opened up. I decided the easiest way to write on this one was to publish my diary for those days . . . so here goes .

THURSDAY 16 APRIL 2009 - Something interesting happened tonight. Before we got to the meeting my voice was quite normal and strong. But as soon as I went in there my voice went really hoarse, and all as the worship went on it got harder and harder to sing as my throat was really going sore and I was losing my voice. Guess what we left after the meeting and popped into MacDonalds for something, then I realized my voice was back to normal with no hoarseness at all, hmmm so something's going on there. The worship is fantastic, the guy leading it leads worship at the Dudley meetings and it is very, very powerful, just transports you into the presence of God, wonderful!!! It is good to finally be at the conference after all the procrastinating I did. My friend is really, really nice, and I had nothing to be worried about at all. I felt really wooden tonight, just nerves and hoping I will loosen up as things go on. My alters/multiples seem to be at peace which is really good. The weather this evening was fantastic, so managed to take some really good photos. Anyway, that's it for today.

FRIDAY 17 APRIL 2009 - LUNCHTIME - I’ve just got back from this morning's meeting and the worship was out of this world, phenomenal!! I took loads of photos round Bath on the way back but it's chucking it down with rain now, so came back to catch up with emails and a rest. It was really good this morning – the theme was all about having a zeal for God looking at Numbers 25 and then Isaiah 6 (Isaiah and the angel with the hot coal). What is lovely about this church is that the front is not just the domain of the leadership. At the beginning of each meeting they say “this is your Father’s house and you are welcome anywhere in your Father’s house, you are welcome to come up front, find a space and worship in the way which is appropriate for you.” It made me cry each time they said that that. Well this morning, I kind of crept up to towards the front at during the worship, and stood at the back of the front portion of the church, if that makes sense. I still felt wooden, but felt more focused being up front where loads of people were worshipping and dancing. And I was really blessed and encouraged watching people in front of me dancing before the Lord with total abandon. But guess what the throat came back as soon as I tried to start to sing. At the end of the session they had a time of ministry and said one of the things they felt God wanted to do was to breaking stuff off people. Well I've been feeling a heaviness in my spirit since I got here last night, and been feeling really blocked, and with the sore throat coming back too I decided enough was enough and I'd get some prayer. So I went up front and some folks came alongside me and asked Holy Spirit to come and do whatever He wanted and needed to do. Well, it was like someone got hold of me and was shaking me up and down, it was weird. Have not known anything like it, then I ended up on the floor shaking. While I was lying on the floor someone came and laid coals in my hands. They had brought coals which had been anointed at the revivals in Dudley and Lakeland, Florida. My hands just started to burn and shake and I heard the person say God is placing His fire in you, receive it and run with it. And the burning spread through my arms and my back and chest. It was half an hour before I got up off the floor. I can tell you that whatever God did I feel tons lighter and whatever has been on me since I came has lifted and gone.

FRI 17 APRIL 2009 - EVENING - I’ve just come back from the meeting and just had to fire this off before turning in for the night. I just realised that the sore throat and hoarseness did not materialise tonight, so that is really good and just shows what was really going on. Tonight I went up front to worship and really enjoyed watching other people dance. I had this feeling of I’d really like to move but but if only, if only!!! I feel so darned wooden and awkward!!! The programme for the two days had been to do a session on teaching the Father heart of God on Saturday evening, which I would have missed because I have to go home during Saturday. But the person who was due to do that could not make it and the last minute stand in could only do Friday night instead of Saturday. So daddy God set that one up well and was on track to do something massively major for me, and I did not see it coming. The teaching was fascinating and taught the subject in way I’ve never come across before and it stopped me in my tracks. I went forward for ministry at the end, and could not pray the prayer that was prayed. I just knew that if I tried to say anything I was just going to collapse in a heap and there was no way that I was going to cry in front of everyone. Then came the next daddy God set up - the woman who came alongside me and ministered to me was the wife of the man who did the teaching and she is really experienced in ministering this issue. The instant she laid a hand on my shoulder I started to sob and weep like I’ve never done in my life. All this pain started to pour out from deep inside and I was just a weeping snotty mess on the floor in front of everyone, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. After the initial outpouring things calmed down for a little while and God showed me a picture of me as a very tiny child, only just a toddler, not quite able to walk without a helping hand stretched out. I was tottering about and then crawling and then tottering again. And my view widened and I saw God in the distance. He had a big white beard, and the most kindly eyes you could imagine. He was bending down on His haunches with His arms outstretched towards me. He was laughing and smiling and everything spoke of such love and happiness exuding from Him and His arms were open so wide. I was tottering, looking at Him rather unsurely. And God said through the woman, “I know you are afraid of me, I know you are longing to come but I know you are afraid, I will not force you to come but I will stay bending down here for as long as it takes for you to feel ok to come into my arms.” Part of me felt that I should be running into His arms but instead I half tottered and half crawled to Him. And He picked me up in His arms and held me to His chest and said “welcome little one, I am so thrilled that you made it, I’ve been waiting a long time my child, I am so thrilled that you have finally stop running away from what you have always longed for - I promise you that I will never hurt you, I will never take advantage of you, I will never abuse you, my knee is a safe knee, my arms are safe arms that just want to hold you and hold you, I know it will take time for you to feel safe and trust me, over the coming days, weeks and months, keep coming to me as daddy, keep that picture of you as that toddler crawling towards me in your mind, keep crawling towards me, let my love in more and more and your fear and distrust of me will slowly evaporate.” Well then I just started to weep again and more pain came pouring out and I didn’t care what anyone thought anymore, I was way beyond caring!!! After all this had happened and I managed to regain some composure, then I realised that the woman was ministering to me was also in tears. She asked me can I hold you as mother because your mother didn’t love you either did she. And I did a err what, err that was so God cos she didn’t, and there is just no way that you could have known that, so Fi who doesn’t like being touched let her hold me and cuddle me. She then asked me if I could permit her husband, who had done the teaching and who specialises in giving daddy hugs to people who’ve never had them, to come and give me a father’s hug. And after a little hesitation I agreed. I was so glad that I did because that actually put the seal on what God had done. They prayed that God will protect what He has done and enable me to eventually and finally let my earthly father go and truly find my identity as Daddy’s daughter.

SATURDAY 18 APRIL 2009 - Well, I am sitting on the train on my way from Bath and I thought I’d better get my thoughts down while things are fresh in my mind!!! This morning I decided to take the bull by the horns and I was amongst the first to the front when they invited people up to worship. And do you know what, I just started to dance, a little at first, then I just forgot everyone and danced as if God was my only audience. I have not danced in public or private in 34 years. That is a major thing from my childhood when I was made to dance on theatre stages for several years and hated it. When we moved house that stopped and I refused to dance or sing anymore in both public and private. So singing in church has always been kind of an issue for me, but I’ve just kind of coped over the years. Now God has really broken into that area of my life. D’you know something, it felt really good, and I was like, woah what happened here kind of thing. Wow!!! That is the main thing that happened today, I had some more prayer ministry before leaving to have lunch and collect my bags before catching my train.

So was quite a couple of days and I have spent the last week just getting over it and adjusting back. As my friend said, spiritual surgery requires recovery time just as much as physical and that is very much what the last week as been about. A lot happened in that two days, and there was a lot of emotions going on. It’s surprising how much that takes out of you. And I got on really with my friend and her son, and God did some great stuff in their lives too. Most importantly God has broken through in some previously totally closed off areas of my life, and done some healing as well as started other healing processes off.

25 April 2009


Wednesday, 15 April 2009


The issues of forgiveness and letting go of vengeance are ones I keep finding myself returning to over and over on my healing journey. While I was working through terrible torture that I endured as a child at my parents’ hands I became stuck and could not find it in me to forgive and let go of the desire for vengeance and justice. The person I was working this through with starting talking about the cross, the walk to Calvary and all that happened to Jesus that day and suggested to me that I ask God to show me that walk. Believe me, I sat there and thought do I really want to do this? Do I really want to see this? But I knew it was going to be key if I really wanted to move forward. What follows is the transcript of the vision which God took me through of Jesus’s long, lonely bloody journey to the cross at Calvary. And before you ask, yes, by the end of this I was able to forgive, let go of my desire for revenge and justice. The text in italics is the words of the person I was working this through with – my words are in bold green - let me warn you, it is very graphic in nature – but read this and you’ll never be the same again.

God’s heart is like stick of rock it's got love written right through it - just like the candy bar rock has letters right through it - He knows how I used to love rock so He chose to show it that way to me - like Blackpool rock would have the word Blackpool written right through it

ask Him to show you the beatings and the walk to calvary and the cross and Him hanging on it but don’t let what you have seen in the movies come in just what Jesus is showing you and ask him to let you hear it all - are you hearing it? loud isn't it?

Yep the clamour of the crowds in those narrow streets, the jeers, lies, false accusations, deafening, unbearable, the coarseness of the language of those soldiers

watch them put the crown of thorns in his head and the beating of the 39 stripes him naked carrying the cross through the streets

they rammed it down, his back ripped open

from what I have read they have discovered that it was not a cross that we know of so let HIM show you not what we have perceived

no it wasn't - the splinters of wood going into those open wounds

just like you when they poked you with things that had points, holy spirit said that when you were in that room in your house as a child

He is barely distinguishable as a man, so disfigured and bloodied, I just caught sight of his face the wounds where his beard was pulled out with the flesh, His eyes still full of love though, He is behind soldiers who are pushing the crowds back to let him through, they are rough and mean they don't care who they hurt, there is so little space in those narrow streets so many people clamoring to see the sight ,they don't care, they are pushing people, He is staggering under the weight of the beam, barely conscious it seems as He falls, someone jumps forward with a cup of water but a soldier kicks it out of their hand jeering

they were so mean to Simon too he took some of the beating too, I did not know that Jesus, anyone that was there for Jesus they were mean to

yes they did they were horrible to him and now Jesus’s blood is on Simon, my Jesus is staggering along barely alive, I can hardly bear to watch, the noise is horrendous, the noise of the coarse language of the soldiers shouting and swearing, the crowd jeering baying for his blood, others crying out for mercy, the noise of the soldier's whips cracking, he was naked on that cross

that is right and naked in the streets

He knows what it was like to be naked and stared at by so many and jeered at in His nakedness, He knows how that felt, He really really does

Yes He does Yes Fiona He does - He is saying to Me that HIS HEART GOES OUT TO YOU BELOVED FIONA - this is the biggest hurdle you have to face - it is your life and your death life to you and death to the past – you will not be wooden any more without feeling or remorse for people

He is reminding me that He knows what it felt like to have my naked body poked and prodded and beaten and bruised, because His was, for there to be nowhere to hide in your nakedness and how that felt

Jesus was almost a bloody pulp wasn't He? The blood He lost and still He was walking to the cross

yes barely human yes somehow - people died in the crowd that day trampled to death, children got trampled to death as well as adults, people were trampled in the crowd, it was a riot, many people died in that riot, they bullied Simon all the way, there was a stench of death, the smell is horrendous makes me sick to the stomach, the smell of blood, the stench of blood and you can see His internal organs, His intestines hanging out of his ripped open back flesh hanging big pieces of ripped flesh, how on earth did He bear that pain? Horrendous injuries that should have killed Him outright

HE did it for you Fiona YOU had to see HIS love the whole way of that Journey to that cross AND HE DID NOT FIGHT BACK HE DID NOT FIGHT BACK NO ANGER NO ANIMOSITY, NO HATRED BUT PURE LOVE PURE HOLY LOVE FOR THOSE THAT TORE HIM APART no trying to justify himself or get vengeance on those who showed him so much hatred and disregard, that was a very long lonely walk to the cross, no disciples there to encourage him, He was alone amongst that crowd baying for His blood, accusing of things He had not done SAME AS YOU ACCUSING YOU OF THINGS THAT YOU WERE NOT BECAUSE HE IS JUSTICE WE GET THAT JUSTICE WHEN WE COME TO HIM AND FOLLOWING HIM - I AM LEARNING RIGHT HERE WHEN WE GET EVEN WE GET SICK, WHEN JESUS IS THE AVENGER WE GET HEALTH

yes same as me, calling Him names, they called me names,spitting on Him they spat on me, naked and no place to hide, thirsty and nothing to drink , just like me, battered and bruised stripped and humiliated, lied about just like me, He was innocent just as I was, no mercy shown to him, no mercy shown to me


Hatred, vengeance, curiosity too, baying for His blood like a pack of hounds, some show disgust, some show pity, but they are in the minority - it's breaking the hardness in my heart it's blowing my mind how someone could endure that, it was bad enough what I endured the pain I endured and the humiliation, but it was nothing compared to that, the abandonment of His disciples, the betrayal of Peter, just as I knew abandonment and betrayal but He still loved them unlike me - I hated


they are getting the nails to hammer into Him and they are not like we think, they were long, thick, jagged, the damage they did as they were hammered in, it must have been beyond agony, those nails, it is beyond comprehension how He bore that pain

YOU HAD TO SEE THIS HE SAIDYOU HAD TO SEE THIS - AND THEN HE CALLED YOU DAUGHTER - HOW COULD HAVE THERE BEEN MORE PAIN? HOW HE ENDURED IT ------- THE JOY THAT WAS SET BEFORE HIM THAT CROSS ------- BECAUSE HE KNEW THAT ALL MANKIND WOULD BE REDEEMED AND BE WITH HIM IN HEAVEN, THAT IS HOW HE ENDURED IT WITH THE LOVE IN HIS HEART AND THE FATHERS HEART, AND HE KNEW WHAT IT WOULD BE IN HEAVEN, A WELCOME HOME KING - Jesus your walk to Calvary was long and hard Jesus they beating you all the way cursing you and the crowds jeering, JESUS there is something about your cross, it was not a clean cross it was a bloody bloody walk and rioting and beating, you were ripped and torn to unrecognizable before you ever got to the cross YOU were to hang on - the old rugged cross was the old bloody cross and the way of suffering was total suffering for HIM yet YOU did not fight back Jesus, YOU did not fight back, JESUS you endured the walk with joy that which was before you

I hear the crowd jeering “if you're the messiah why don't you come down off that cross”, I hear the thief jeering and cursing I hear another voice a lower voice saying “remember me Jesus when you enter into your kingdom”, can barely hear it above the jeers but it's there, and Jesus hears it, “believe me, today you will be with me in paradise”, I hear the sound of Mary sobbing and sobbing, her heart broken


I hear the love in Jesus voice as He speaks forgiveness from the cross, and the desolation as He cries out “father why have you forsaken me”, oh the total desolation of that cry as the Father turned away from His son. Jesus felt the utter desolation that I felt when abandoned and left for dead in the snow. Jesus felt that turning of His Father in that moment, oh the desolation of that feeling, I hear Jesus's final cry of triumph before He died “it is finished”, it was a cry of triumph, the work was complete, I wonder how Mary could bear that pain of seeing her son treated like that, it was like a sword piercing her heart - there is that awful realisation that hard as it was to choose to forgive, it is even harder to act on that forgiveness and do what Jesus wants me to and is asking me, can you forgive yourself? can I forgive myself for hating?


He is asking me will I ask Him to bless them and to release all vengeance into His hands? will I speak blessing over them and not cursing? Love those that hate you and pray for those that despitefully use you - He just said to me I am not asking you to share space with them in heaven - Oh Jesus you know me so well - it's awful because there is that something within me that cries out but they deserve that - but the awful truth is so do I - and if it were not for the cross speaking mercy over me


He is the First and Last, The Beginning and the End!

He is the keeper of Creation and the Creator of all! He is the Architect of the universe and the Manager of all times. He always was, He always is, and He always will be ... Unmoved, Unchanged, Undefeated, and never Undone!
He was bruised and brought healing! He was pierced and eased pain! He was persecuted and brought freedom! He was dead and brought life!
He is risen and brings power! He reigns and brings Peace! The world can't understand him; the armies can't defeat Him; the schools can't explain Him and the leaders can't ignore Him. Herod couldn't kill Him; the Pharisees couldn't confuse Him; and the people couldn't hold Him! Nero couldn't crush Him; Hitler couldn't silence Him; the New Age can't replace Him and "Oprah" can't explain Him away!

He is light, love, longevity, and Lord. He is goodness, Kindness, Gentleness, and God. He is Holy, Righteous, mighty, powerful, and pure. His ways are right, His word is eternal, His will is unchanging, and His mind is on me. He is my Savior, He is my guide, and He is my peace! He is my Joy, He is my comfort, He is my Lord, and He rules my life!
I serve Him because His bond is love, His burden is light, and His goal for me is abundant life. I follow Him because He is the wisdom of the wise, the power of the powerful, the ancient of days, the ruler of rulers, the leader of leaders, the overseer of the overcomers, and is to come. And if that seems impressive to you, try this for size.
His goal is a relationship with ME!

He will never leave me, Never forsake me, Never mislead me, Never forget me, Never overlook me and Never cancel my appointment in His appointment book!
When I fall, He lifts me up! When I fail, He forgives! When I am weak, He is strong! When I am lost, He is the way! When I am afraid, He is my courage! When I stumble, He steadies me! When I am hurt, He heals me! When I am broken, He mends me! When I am blind, He leads me! When I am hungry, He feeds me! When I face trials, He is with me! When I face persecution, He shields me! When I face problems, He comforts me! When I face loss, He provides for me! When I face Death, He carries me Home!
He is everything for everybody everywhere, every time, and every way. He is God, He is faithful. I am His, and He is mine! My Father in heaven can whip the father of this world. So, if you're wondering why I feel so secure, understand this... He said it and that settles it. God is in control, I am on His side, And that means all is well with my soul.

Everyday is a blessing for GOD Is!


As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air. Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me and nodded for me to rise. My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was. I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Jesus.

Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships and My struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Jesus to shine through!

Sunday, 12 April 2009


Jesus is here, He just said peace, calm my child, it is ok, my child I love you, do not fret, my child I am with you right by your side and I will never leave you, my child do not fear you have nothing to fear, trust me my child I will never hurt you, I want only to heal you, I want only to take your hurt and exchange it for my peace

I want to take your sadness and exchange it for my joy, I want to bring total healing to you, restoration and integration of all your parts and I will do it, but I want to come now and give you peace because I know you are afraid and I know part of you does not want to carry on, I know part of you is so tired and so weary and so overwhelmed with the pain, but I want to give you peace, to give you rest for your soul, rest for your mind, rest for your emotions, I know also that you are committed to this and are committed to becoming all that I would have you be, I know that, I know you pain, I know your uncertainty, I know your fear and you are afraid of letting me in to some areas, you are afraid of what you are going to find out next, you are afraid of your own thoughts and afraid of your emotions, you are afraid to cry and afraid to let the pain out because you don't know how to, and because you think if you start you'll never stop, it is ok my child, it is alright, I am with you and I will not leave you, let me comfort you, let me in to those fears, speak them out to me don't keep them locked inside, I am very proud of you my child I am so pleased with your progress and I am so chuffed with how you are trusting now, I am delighting in you and singing over you, I dance a jig when I think about you my child and I do somersaults too

I am so very pleased with you and I love you dearly, I love it that you are beginning to tell me how much you love me and I want to encourage you to do that more and more. and I so pleased that you are beginning to feel safe in my love and that you are really trusting holy spirit's leading too. you are not losing your mind my child and you are not making it up. I know your honesty and integrity, it is always before me. I see your honesty and integrity and I know you wish these things were not true and had never happened. but they did and now I am able to bring healing. and I know more will be revealed that has been locked away for so long. but I will give you the strength to face it each time as I already have done, just relax my child and accept my peace deep into your mind and emotions, deep into those memories, deep into that pain, you are doing really good, you are doing great, I am very proud of you and delighted with your progress, you are doing great hear me, you are, you're doing great my child you really are, yes you are

Fiona my dear child, yes my dear child I know you did a double take, you don't quite believe it when I say that my dear dear child, none of what happened to you was your fault none of it, none of it was, it had nothing to do with you being a girl though I know they said that many many times, you being a girl is a really good thing and I long for the day when you will see that for yourself and know it deep inside, it had nothing to do with you being bad because you weren't a bad child, you were not, you were a good girl and not bad like they said, it was not your fault my dear Fiona, it really wasn't, it had nothing to do with you being evil because you were most definitely not evil, these were all just excuses that they created to make you feel bad and give them reasons for doing what they did and saying what they said, when they said that you belonged to them and that they could do what they liked, when they liked, how they liked with no comeback they were very wrong and it was the biggest lie of all, you had every right to challenge them and they had no right to do what they did, they had no right to say what they did, my dear child I want you to believe me, really believe me, when I say it was not your fault and had nothing to do with you, because that is the truth, it was not about you at all, it was about them and their need to control, it was about the evil in them, it wasn't really about them either it was about the evil that was within them, do you understand what I am trying to say?

you are so afraid of letting anyone in, really in, my child I know and I understand, I know the things you heard, the things you saw, the things you felt, the things you tasted against your will, I was there, I heard every word, I saw every deed, there is nothing hidden from me, my dear child, I know you are afraid of the pain that is locked away, but I am with you and you have nothing to fear when I am with you

Fiona my dear, dear child I have truly felt all your pain and all of your suffering, all of your fear and all of your shame, none of it went unnoticed by me and I truly share in your sufferings as you share in mine, there is none more qualified than me to say my dear, dear child I know exactly what it was like and what it felt like

now is the time to start to let that pain out, to start telling me your memories so that you can be healed, I know all about your memories and I know all about the hurt, and the pain, and the fear, you are safe with me, you are safe to tell, you truly are safe

9th April 2009