I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Saturday, 25 April 2009


A friend invited me to the Epidemic Life youth conference at Bath 16-18 April, just gone. I spent 2 months procrastinating whether I should go or not, I knew in my heart of hearts that I was meant to go. But as it was a youth and young adults conference I did think I was way too old to be going, and I was nervous about meeting in person who had invited me to go. In the end I listened to the voice inside which was saying you are supposed to go and booked myself in for it. But I could only get accommodation for the first two nights, and in the end could not have afforded a third night, even if I could have got somewhere, so settled for having to miss the final night of the conference. God knowing every detail of my life knew that and ensured the programme got changed so He could begin to work in an area of my life that so needed to be opened up. I decided the easiest way to write on this one was to publish my diary for those days . . . so here goes .

THURSDAY 16 APRIL 2009 - Something interesting happened tonight. Before we got to the meeting my voice was quite normal and strong. But as soon as I went in there my voice went really hoarse, and all as the worship went on it got harder and harder to sing as my throat was really going sore and I was losing my voice. Guess what we left after the meeting and popped into MacDonalds for something, then I realized my voice was back to normal with no hoarseness at all, hmmm so something's going on there. The worship is fantastic, the guy leading it leads worship at the Dudley meetings and it is very, very powerful, just transports you into the presence of God, wonderful!!! It is good to finally be at the conference after all the procrastinating I did. My friend is really, really nice, and I had nothing to be worried about at all. I felt really wooden tonight, just nerves and hoping I will loosen up as things go on. My alters/multiples seem to be at peace which is really good. The weather this evening was fantastic, so managed to take some really good photos. Anyway, that's it for today.

FRIDAY 17 APRIL 2009 - LUNCHTIME - I’ve just got back from this morning's meeting and the worship was out of this world, phenomenal!! I took loads of photos round Bath on the way back but it's chucking it down with rain now, so came back to catch up with emails and a rest. It was really good this morning – the theme was all about having a zeal for God looking at Numbers 25 and then Isaiah 6 (Isaiah and the angel with the hot coal). What is lovely about this church is that the front is not just the domain of the leadership. At the beginning of each meeting they say “this is your Father’s house and you are welcome anywhere in your Father’s house, you are welcome to come up front, find a space and worship in the way which is appropriate for you.” It made me cry each time they said that that. Well this morning, I kind of crept up to towards the front at during the worship, and stood at the back of the front portion of the church, if that makes sense. I still felt wooden, but felt more focused being up front where loads of people were worshipping and dancing. And I was really blessed and encouraged watching people in front of me dancing before the Lord with total abandon. But guess what the throat came back as soon as I tried to start to sing. At the end of the session they had a time of ministry and said one of the things they felt God wanted to do was to breaking stuff off people. Well I've been feeling a heaviness in my spirit since I got here last night, and been feeling really blocked, and with the sore throat coming back too I decided enough was enough and I'd get some prayer. So I went up front and some folks came alongside me and asked Holy Spirit to come and do whatever He wanted and needed to do. Well, it was like someone got hold of me and was shaking me up and down, it was weird. Have not known anything like it, then I ended up on the floor shaking. While I was lying on the floor someone came and laid coals in my hands. They had brought coals which had been anointed at the revivals in Dudley and Lakeland, Florida. My hands just started to burn and shake and I heard the person say God is placing His fire in you, receive it and run with it. And the burning spread through my arms and my back and chest. It was half an hour before I got up off the floor. I can tell you that whatever God did I feel tons lighter and whatever has been on me since I came has lifted and gone.

FRI 17 APRIL 2009 - EVENING - I’ve just come back from the meeting and just had to fire this off before turning in for the night. I just realised that the sore throat and hoarseness did not materialise tonight, so that is really good and just shows what was really going on. Tonight I went up front to worship and really enjoyed watching other people dance. I had this feeling of I’d really like to move but but if only, if only!!! I feel so darned wooden and awkward!!! The programme for the two days had been to do a session on teaching the Father heart of God on Saturday evening, which I would have missed because I have to go home during Saturday. But the person who was due to do that could not make it and the last minute stand in could only do Friday night instead of Saturday. So daddy God set that one up well and was on track to do something massively major for me, and I did not see it coming. The teaching was fascinating and taught the subject in way I’ve never come across before and it stopped me in my tracks. I went forward for ministry at the end, and could not pray the prayer that was prayed. I just knew that if I tried to say anything I was just going to collapse in a heap and there was no way that I was going to cry in front of everyone. Then came the next daddy God set up - the woman who came alongside me and ministered to me was the wife of the man who did the teaching and she is really experienced in ministering this issue. The instant she laid a hand on my shoulder I started to sob and weep like I’ve never done in my life. All this pain started to pour out from deep inside and I was just a weeping snotty mess on the floor in front of everyone, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. After the initial outpouring things calmed down for a little while and God showed me a picture of me as a very tiny child, only just a toddler, not quite able to walk without a helping hand stretched out. I was tottering about and then crawling and then tottering again. And my view widened and I saw God in the distance. He had a big white beard, and the most kindly eyes you could imagine. He was bending down on His haunches with His arms outstretched towards me. He was laughing and smiling and everything spoke of such love and happiness exuding from Him and His arms were open so wide. I was tottering, looking at Him rather unsurely. And God said through the woman, “I know you are afraid of me, I know you are longing to come but I know you are afraid, I will not force you to come but I will stay bending down here for as long as it takes for you to feel ok to come into my arms.” Part of me felt that I should be running into His arms but instead I half tottered and half crawled to Him. And He picked me up in His arms and held me to His chest and said “welcome little one, I am so thrilled that you made it, I’ve been waiting a long time my child, I am so thrilled that you have finally stop running away from what you have always longed for - I promise you that I will never hurt you, I will never take advantage of you, I will never abuse you, my knee is a safe knee, my arms are safe arms that just want to hold you and hold you, I know it will take time for you to feel safe and trust me, over the coming days, weeks and months, keep coming to me as daddy, keep that picture of you as that toddler crawling towards me in your mind, keep crawling towards me, let my love in more and more and your fear and distrust of me will slowly evaporate.” Well then I just started to weep again and more pain came pouring out and I didn’t care what anyone thought anymore, I was way beyond caring!!! After all this had happened and I managed to regain some composure, then I realised that the woman was ministering to me was also in tears. She asked me can I hold you as mother because your mother didn’t love you either did she. And I did a err what, err that was so God cos she didn’t, and there is just no way that you could have known that, so Fi who doesn’t like being touched let her hold me and cuddle me. She then asked me if I could permit her husband, who had done the teaching and who specialises in giving daddy hugs to people who’ve never had them, to come and give me a father’s hug. And after a little hesitation I agreed. I was so glad that I did because that actually put the seal on what God had done. They prayed that God will protect what He has done and enable me to eventually and finally let my earthly father go and truly find my identity as Daddy’s daughter.

SATURDAY 18 APRIL 2009 - Well, I am sitting on the train on my way from Bath and I thought I’d better get my thoughts down while things are fresh in my mind!!! This morning I decided to take the bull by the horns and I was amongst the first to the front when they invited people up to worship. And do you know what, I just started to dance, a little at first, then I just forgot everyone and danced as if God was my only audience. I have not danced in public or private in 34 years. That is a major thing from my childhood when I was made to dance on theatre stages for several years and hated it. When we moved house that stopped and I refused to dance or sing anymore in both public and private. So singing in church has always been kind of an issue for me, but I’ve just kind of coped over the years. Now God has really broken into that area of my life. D’you know something, it felt really good, and I was like, woah what happened here kind of thing. Wow!!! That is the main thing that happened today, I had some more prayer ministry before leaving to have lunch and collect my bags before catching my train.

So was quite a couple of days and I have spent the last week just getting over it and adjusting back. As my friend said, spiritual surgery requires recovery time just as much as physical and that is very much what the last week as been about. A lot happened in that two days, and there was a lot of emotions going on. It’s surprising how much that takes out of you. And I got on really with my friend and her son, and God did some great stuff in their lives too. Most importantly God has broken through in some previously totally closed off areas of my life, and done some healing as well as started other healing processes off.

25 April 2009


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Awesome Fi!!

Bath is a real cool town. We were there a few years ago as a family.

Looks like you took a "Bath" in Bath and got some cleansing. Great news.