I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 12 April 2009


Jesus is here, He just said peace, calm my child, it is ok, my child I love you, do not fret, my child I am with you right by your side and I will never leave you, my child do not fear you have nothing to fear, trust me my child I will never hurt you, I want only to heal you, I want only to take your hurt and exchange it for my peace

I want to take your sadness and exchange it for my joy, I want to bring total healing to you, restoration and integration of all your parts and I will do it, but I want to come now and give you peace because I know you are afraid and I know part of you does not want to carry on, I know part of you is so tired and so weary and so overwhelmed with the pain, but I want to give you peace, to give you rest for your soul, rest for your mind, rest for your emotions, I know also that you are committed to this and are committed to becoming all that I would have you be, I know that, I know you pain, I know your uncertainty, I know your fear and you are afraid of letting me in to some areas, you are afraid of what you are going to find out next, you are afraid of your own thoughts and afraid of your emotions, you are afraid to cry and afraid to let the pain out because you don't know how to, and because you think if you start you'll never stop, it is ok my child, it is alright, I am with you and I will not leave you, let me comfort you, let me in to those fears, speak them out to me don't keep them locked inside, I am very proud of you my child I am so pleased with your progress and I am so chuffed with how you are trusting now, I am delighting in you and singing over you, I dance a jig when I think about you my child and I do somersaults too

I am so very pleased with you and I love you dearly, I love it that you are beginning to tell me how much you love me and I want to encourage you to do that more and more. and I so pleased that you are beginning to feel safe in my love and that you are really trusting holy spirit's leading too. you are not losing your mind my child and you are not making it up. I know your honesty and integrity, it is always before me. I see your honesty and integrity and I know you wish these things were not true and had never happened. but they did and now I am able to bring healing. and I know more will be revealed that has been locked away for so long. but I will give you the strength to face it each time as I already have done, just relax my child and accept my peace deep into your mind and emotions, deep into those memories, deep into that pain, you are doing really good, you are doing great, I am very proud of you and delighted with your progress, you are doing great hear me, you are, you're doing great my child you really are, yes you are

Fiona my dear child, yes my dear child I know you did a double take, you don't quite believe it when I say that my dear dear child, none of what happened to you was your fault none of it, none of it was, it had nothing to do with you being a girl though I know they said that many many times, you being a girl is a really good thing and I long for the day when you will see that for yourself and know it deep inside, it had nothing to do with you being bad because you weren't a bad child, you were not, you were a good girl and not bad like they said, it was not your fault my dear Fiona, it really wasn't, it had nothing to do with you being evil because you were most definitely not evil, these were all just excuses that they created to make you feel bad and give them reasons for doing what they did and saying what they said, when they said that you belonged to them and that they could do what they liked, when they liked, how they liked with no comeback they were very wrong and it was the biggest lie of all, you had every right to challenge them and they had no right to do what they did, they had no right to say what they did, my dear child I want you to believe me, really believe me, when I say it was not your fault and had nothing to do with you, because that is the truth, it was not about you at all, it was about them and their need to control, it was about the evil in them, it wasn't really about them either it was about the evil that was within them, do you understand what I am trying to say?

you are so afraid of letting anyone in, really in, my child I know and I understand, I know the things you heard, the things you saw, the things you felt, the things you tasted against your will, I was there, I heard every word, I saw every deed, there is nothing hidden from me, my dear child, I know you are afraid of the pain that is locked away, but I am with you and you have nothing to fear when I am with you

Fiona my dear, dear child I have truly felt all your pain and all of your suffering, all of your fear and all of your shame, none of it went unnoticed by me and I truly share in your sufferings as you share in mine, there is none more qualified than me to say my dear, dear child I know exactly what it was like and what it felt like

now is the time to start to let that pain out, to start telling me your memories so that you can be healed, I know all about your memories and I know all about the hurt, and the pain, and the fear, you are safe with me, you are safe to tell, you truly are safe

9th April 2009

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