I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 31 May 2009


Before this happened I had been working through the trauma of one of my miscarriages when I was 14 and I was feeling a lot of shame and pain.

Jesus remind me what you think of me, I need to hear it again

ah my dearly beloved Fiona, I love you so deeply, you are so precious to me, you are the biggest sparkling gemstone in my crown, you are the apple of my eye, I love you because you are you, you are a beautiful princess to me, you are not the dirty shame filled person you often feel like, no you are clean and spotless before me, sparkling radiant in your beautiful maroon robe, in that gorgeous white dress and the tiara, your hair that shimmered with precious jewels and that wonderful colourful gown I had for you, too you wear all those colours that are symbolic of my work in you

you are that beautiful graceful butterfly flying free, opening its wings to the sunlight, perching precariously on the edge of a flower, delicate and beautiful that is you, I am making you that butterfly, keep your eyes on that butterfly, shift your focus from the stuff inside, focus in on that butterfly, you are that butterfly, that butterfly is you, you are so beautiful, your value is immeasurable, you are so precious to me, I cannot say it enough, I love you so dearly and so preciously, there is so much you have to give but I don't love you because of your talents, I love you because you are you, I have always loved you, I will always love you, I will never leave you, I will always be with you right by your side, I will never desert you, I will never reject you, I will never disown you because you are so incredibly precious to me, zoom on the butterfly, watch it's graceful movements, how majestic it is in its beauty, your beauty is breathtaking and is mirrored in this butterfly, so graceful and free, that is the real you, not graceless and bumbling about like you feel you are

I want to give you my peace because I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, nothing you could ever do or say could make me love you less, don't fear that because I know that fear is there that somehow you'll do or say something and I'll love you less, no my love has no conditions, no strings, my love is free and unconditional, it is pure safe love, a love that frees, receive my love, receive my peace, receive my joy, receive my strength, revel in it my dearest Fi revel in it bathe in it, soak in it, keep looking at that butterfly and remember I will always love you, I promise never to leave you, receive all that I want to give you, I know what you have need of, my love casts out all fear, receive my love into those deep places that feel such shame and rejection, receive my love and acceptance deep where it needs to go, I accept you completely my dearest Fi, completely, yes I completely accept you, you are completely and perfectly loved and accepted, receive that deep inside you, I love you so very, very much and so want you to really realise that you are so very, very precious to me so receive my love, receive my peace, receive my joy, and receive my strength

thank you Jesus I receive your love, I receive your peace, I receive your joy, and I receive your strength, I receive your words of love, I receive your words of acceptance, I receive your words of affirmation and I allow it to go deep Jesus, as deep as it has to go

as long as you need

ok just soaking it in, so much rejection there, hmmm it's good, a love infusion, thank you Jesus for your love and acceptance, I receive it, isn't Jesus just amazing? He has infinite patience

28 May 2009


During the week before this happened, I had been going through really painful days when I could not sense Jesus with me at all, but I kept holding on to the fact that He said He’d always be with me, and it was not lost on Jesus -
Jesus is saying how proud He is of me, how I stuck believing what He'd told me through the days I couldn't see or sense Him that He never left my side, there was a time when I would have said ah well He's gone knew I couldn't trust a word He said, but those days are gone, I now believe and depend on His word even when I can't see or sense Him and He is very proud of that, will you stop being so hard on yourself and ease up on yourself you're doing great, He said that with a big laugh, so many times in the last week I’ve been asked is Jesus there, and my reply has been yes because He said He would be, that has really gladdened Jesus' heart, He is so thrilled to see my level of faith and trust in Him and in His word, He is very proud of me, He keeps saying it over and over

that is because it is true what He is telling you

I am just revelling in His praise and basking in His love for me, letting it soothe and heal and go deep into me, I am making myself linger and not rush on

yes take all the time you need to take

I see myself and I see myself wearing several belts of different kinds, made of different materials of different thicknesses and He has one solid thick belt that He wants to put on me but I've got to take off all the belts that I am wearing first, they are all sorts of colours too, I have to take all the belts off so that the one big one He has for me will fit snugly

Yes it sounds like a belt of unity, He will tell you though

I keep getting the word truth; that each belt represents certain lies I have believed


but the belts will not come off automatically, I will have to choose to undo it and remove it, at the moment I believe so many contrary things about myself that I don't really know what I believe and find it hard to distinguish truth from lie

choose to undo the belts so His belt of truth will clear up the lies

yes at the moment there are so many parts of me believing so many different things but those parts will become one eventually all believing the same thing


the truth of who I truly am in Jesus that the belt of truth will unite all the parts under one truth, wow

yes awesome

incredible, such peace stilling my restlessness


24 May 2009

Wednesday, 20 May 2009


FOOTPRINTS...A New Version

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together.
For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace.
But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns.
For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling, His consistently.
You and Jesus are walking as true friends!
This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens:
Your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus' are now walking precisely in His steps.
Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones, you and Jesus are becoming one.
This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change....
The footprints inside the large footprints seem to grow larger....
Eventually they disappear altogether.
There is only one set of footprints. They have become one.
This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back. This time it seems even worse!
Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Gashes in the sand. A variable mess of prints.
You are amazed and shocked.”

Your dream ends and now you pray:

'Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits.
I was a new Christian; I was just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You.'

'That is correct..'
'And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps, following You very closely.'
'Very good.. You have understood everything so far.'
When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way.'
'So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first.'
There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice.
'You didn't know? It was then that we danced!'

He is the Lord of the dance!!!

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4.

19 May 2009


It's not WHAT you have in your life, but WHO you have in your life that counts...


I asked for a flower

He gave me a garden

I asked for a tree

He gave me a forest

I asked for a river

He gave me an ocean

I asked for a friend

He gave me 'JESUS'

19 May 2009

Friday, 15 May 2009


Today (14th May) was my mother’s 69th birthday. I do not actively remember the date, but even so it is passively there in the recesses of my mind. It has been a hard day today. I’ve been feeling very empty and alone, very motherless and also feeling a lot of hurt and trauma about her brutality, hatred and torture of me. I was so terrorised and brutalised by her. Jesus walked through the day very closely and very tenderly to me and then stepped in tonight and did something very beautiful.

Remember the green, blue, purple and maroon butterfly Fi?


CAN you see that?

YES saw it land on to Jesus's hand, He is admiring it

GOOD, while Jesus is ministering to your heart keep your eyes on that butterfly and let Jesus tell you all about you (the butterfly), let Him encourage you

DO you see this beautiful butterfly Fi?
YES I do Jesus, it is gorgeous
YES it is, it didn't start out life this way, it began life as a little larvae which was hidden inside a colourless chrysalis, it grew in the hidden place which wasn't a place of beauty, just an ordinary colourless unremarkable place, out of that colourless unremarkable place eventually emerged this beautiful butterfly, look at the intricate designs on its wings, look how intricately interwoven those colours are, they blend in and out of each other, look at the size of its wings and how proportioned they are to the rest of it, it has a special place in creation, the world wouldn't quite be the same place without this one butterfly which shares its colour in a sometimes very bland colourless world and shares its beauty in such a way, you cannot help but look and admire, it may only be a very tiny part of creation, one you might miss in the blink of an eye but without its colour and beauty this world would be a lesser place, watch it fly effortlessly, watch how it folds it's wings as it moves up into the air and when it lands it keeps them folded too, then when it knows it is securely positioned it opens its wings to the light and to the world, it just fits Fi, that butterfly just fits, by being the item of beauty which it is it makes the world a brighter place, it does not have to do anything to fit, it just does, it does not have to do anything to be loved, it just is, for what it is, a beautiful butterfly, I took enormous joy in creating that one little butterfly, interweaving its colours to make it unique, there is no other butterfly in the world that looks the same, the patterns of its colours are unique, this butterfly is unique and is very precious in its uniqueness, it would upset me if anything happened to this butterfly because of its beauty and uniqueness, I love this butterfly for who it is, I love it because I made it, fashioned it, designed it and named it, see it land again on my finger, watch how it spreads its wings to the light again, see how free it is
MY dearest Fi I know you feel that your life has been bland, colourless and unremarkable, just one great big mess, but I am creating beauty out of the blandness and colourlessness of your life, I am bringing order to that mess, what I am creating is so unique and beautiful that its value is priceless, the 4 colours I showed you which signify what I am doing with your life are being delicately and intricately interwoven, one will not be greater than another, they will be beautifully balanced, the design of your life is very intricate, you dearest Fi, like this butterfly, are a work of art, a beautiful work of art that will never be repeated and could never be imitated either, what started out as bland and colourless is turning into the most amazing combination of colour and texture, when you feel secure you will spread your wings to the light, and show your beauty to the world, you will transform the world around you by doing so, just as this butterfly transforms the bland and colourless, the world would be a lesser place without you Fi, your wings will be perfectly portioned so you get the right amount of lift without being overloaded, you may think you are small and insignificant like this tiny butterfly, but actually when you open your wings up, wow Fi, then your significance will be clear to all, including you
I took immense joy in creating you in your mother's womb, she never wanted you and made sure you knew it, but I always wanted you, she made sure you knew what a bother you were to them, you are of immense importance and value to me and to the kingdom of light, I love you for who you are Fi, I designed you, fashioned you, formed you and named you, I brought you forth into this world, I always had a place for you, fit Fi, you belong, you have so much to give like the butterfly has too, just by being you, being who I created you to be, you belong to me Fi, you belong to Father God, we want you dearly and your value is priceless, we so want you to be as free and effortless as this butterfly and leave us to worry about the fine details, you are breathtakingly beautiful Fi, yes you are breathtakingly beautiful, I love to watch you, I delight to watch you, just as I am delighting in this butterfly, you are precious and unique and can only be you, let me bring you to life and draw that colour out of you so that you see yourself as we, Father, Holy Spirit and I, see you, your life is no longer bland or colourless, it is so beautiful, your mother never wanted you and rejected you in the womb and spent the next 20 years making sure you knew exactly how she felt about you
FI, you are wanted, totally accepted for who you are, I want to spend every moment of the rest of your life making sure you know exactly how I feel about you, making sure you know how loved you are, how wanted you are, how valuable you are, how beautiful you are, making sure you know you belong, that you fit, that I will never ever reject you or forsake you, or tell you that you don't exist anymore, or tell you I don't want to know you anymore, never ever dearest Fi, if I care so deeply about something as small and seemingly insignificant as this butterfly, I care even more deeply about you, you are infinitely precious and breathtakingly beautiful, let those words sink deep inside, let those words wipe away all the nasty ones that made you feel small and insignificant, that told you that you were worthless and had no value because they were lies, that made you feel unloved and unwanted because you have always been loved and wanted by me and Father God, let my words wipe out all those shouted curses which condemned you simply because they would not accept you as you, let my words wipe out those that made you feel dirty and ugly
LET my words erase all those terrible names that your mother called you because I call you lovely, beautiful, radiant, wanted, precious, pure, priceless, royalty, daughter, loved and beloved, my precious jewel, unique, significant, of enormous worth, I call you accepted too, valuable, delightful, I call you wanted again and again, you are wanted, you to need to hear that again and again, you are so wanted, so wanted and so included not excluded, you do belong dearest Fi, yes you do, you fit perfectly and have such an important part to play, you have so much preciousness to give, you are wonderful to me Fi and I treasure you, woe betide anyone who touches the apple of my eye because yes dearest Fi, you are the apple of my eye, you are papa's favourite, we so long for you to begin to believe these truths and stop listening to and believing the lies that are in your mind and heart, everything I have said is truth and yes Fi, this world would be a lesser place without you in it, so keep pushing through that chrysalis, the effort will be worth it, when you emerge you will be so beautiful that many will stop and admire my handiwork, then you will realise just what beauty I have made of your bland, colourless seemingly unremarkable start in life, your breath too will be swept away as you admire my handiwork, spread your wings and be who I created you to be, all around you will be transformed, like this butterfly you have a special part to play, I am so excited to see you just beginning to tentatively emerge, just beginning to tentatively believe the truth, just beginning to tentatively believe that you do matter and you do belong
YES Jesus I am just beginning to believe the truth and kick out the lies, I am beginning to realise that I matter that I belong and have much to give, I’m beginning to realise that I’m loved and wanted and that it is your opinion, Jesus, that really matters my parent's opinion is of little consequence in the light of your love and acceptance, help me to find my security in your love and acceptance and begin to finally put them behind me with you always in my view, I don't know what to say after all you have said
MY dearest Fi, you don't have to say anything, I just ask that you store those words away in your heart and pull on them when all the lies and bad thoughts start crowding in on you, keep that butterfly in your mind's eye and keep going back to it, remembering what I have spoken and letting the butterfly speak afresh to you every time you glance at it, spend time admiring that butterfly and watching it, the more you watch it the more you will become like it, you don't have to do anything to belong, you just do Fi, you don't have to do anything to be accepted you just are Fi, you don't have to do anything to be loved, you just are Fi. you don't have to change anything to fit, because you just fit perfectly Fi, my love and acceptance are totally unconditional, there are no conditions or strings attached, there is no end to it either, my love and acceptance are eternal, you are eternally accepted, yes Fi I say it again you are eternally accepted, you are eternally wanted, again I repeat, you are eternally wanted and you are eternally loved, again I repeat eternally loved, you are eternally wanted, accepted and loved, let that deal a death blow to the rejection and abandonment stuff, you are eternally wanted, accepted and loved, you eternally belong and you eternally fit, there is no catch dearest Fi, no catch at all, can a mother reject the child that she bore? yes she may, but I will never reject you, though your father and mother abandoned you I have adopted you and made you my own daughter, you have been eternally adopted, you are forever and eternally a precious daughter of the King of Kings, you are no longer motherless or fatherless for I am gathering you and establishing you with new foundations which will be unshakeable and indestructible, you are no longer an orphan but are eternally adopted and eternally grafted into my family, remember too you are no longer childless, you are a special mom to 8 beautiful babies who know that you love them
FI, think about that love you have for your babies, think how deep that goes and how protective and proactive that love is, my love and the love of Father God are like that, magnified to even greater levels, just as you could never do anything to hurt your babies so I could never do anything to hurt you, that is how precious you are to me, just as that butterfly is too
YES Jesus it is beginning to sink in now I am beginning to see that and to realise that
YOU are infinitely loved and wanted my dearest Fi, I will say it over and over and over for as long as I need to until you really believe it, so it might seem to be a tiny insignificant butterfly but actually there is a lot to learn from just watching it and admiring it isn't there Fi?
YES Jesus, there is, I am reminded of where it says in Matthew's gospel about see the lilies of the field, can't quite remember how it goes but it is all about not worrying
YES it is and about seeing how I take care of all they need to grow and prosper, even more so do I take care of all you need to grow and prosper
YES I see yes thank you Jesus
SO how are you feeling now dearest Fi?
I am feeling more secure now, no longer feeling empty and abandoned, I know that I matter to you, that was one of the things I really needed to know, that I mattered
YES I know it was, keep coming back to this illustration, keep reading and re reading it, every time rejection and abandonment rear up return to this, every time you feel lost and that you don't matter, return to this and don't stop pushing through one day you will find yourself out of your chrysalis and free, keep trusting dearest Fi, keep trusting and keep your heart soft and your spirit teachable, over all keep trusting, just keep trusting
YES Jesus I will keep trusting, I will keep trusting and pushing through
I know you will because I know you are not a quitter, I know that you want all that I want for you

14 May 2009

Wednesday, 13 May 2009


Jesus took me for a walk in a vision today and spoke very specially to my heart.

I am walking through a wood. There are all sorts of wild mushrooms around, all sorts of shapes and sizes and squirrels running through the trees. The sun is shining down through the leaves creating lovely patterns of light. I am reminded of a wood in Germany that I got to know well on a trip there 16 years ago. Trails through the wood lead off in all directions, I have a feeling of being a bit of an adventurer, following the trails, seeing where they lead. I like that feeling. I feel safe and at ease with Jesus here. We’ve come to a little place in the wood where there is a cleared area and a fire roaring in the centre with logs around to sit on, we are stopping here, there is wood stacked nearby for the fire. There was a pan of water boiling over the fire, Jesus has lifted that down and is making a brew. It is nice to feel that hot mug in my hands, between that and the fire I have something to focus on. Jesus just smiled an easy smile, He is very relaxed and He is relaxing me.

Jesus it is good to be here, it is a relaxing place to be. I love the smell of the foliage around. The smell of the fire burning too, listening to it crackle away is so relaxing and to see the squirrels hopping through the trees always fascinates me.

Yes Fi, I know you love squirrels. I remember how you enjoyed all your walks through that wood in Germany and I am glad that you have remembered that because that was a happy time, that trip to Germany.

Yes it was Jesus, it was a very happy time taking the young people away, being the group's interpreter for that trip and learning the German praise songs round the camp fire while drinking their beer. I grew a lot in my confidence on that trip. It was good and it is good to remember it too. Why do you bring it to mind Jesus?

I wanted to remind you of that two week period because it was such a happy time. It took you completely away from your normal environment. You so enjoyed working with those young people, helping them through their issues. They learned a lot from you. I know you were thinking about them quite recently.

Yes, I was funnily enough, just last week on the bus I was thinking about Dirk and the rest of them, wondering what they had done with their lives. Funny I hadn't thought of them for years and then I did last week.

I am actively bringing back to your memory Fi people and places that have good memories attached to them because they will help to balance all the other stuff that is coming up and that will come up. Going to Bath recently reminded you of them too, of when you took them to Bath and London on their visit here.

Yes it did Jesus, it was good to recall that and to remember those two trips, they were such fun.

Yes, I know. I am going to be bringing more good memories back to the surface to help you through, to help keep you balanced because more not nice stuff is going to come to the surface and you are going to need those good memories to pull on.

That is a great plan you have there Jesus, thanks for working that one out.

You are welcome Fi, my Father, I and Holy Spirit; we are all working together on this. We will pull you through and out the other side. I know you have doubts but we will pull you through. You will start to walk in lighter times like you have never known before. There will be an end to all these bad memories and bad feelings and bad thoughts. I cannot say when but I can promise to get you through and out into the sunshine, into the plans and purposes I have for you.

The season will change Fi, at the moment you are walking through winter. It won't be long before you find yourself in spring; summer comes along very quickly after that. I know you feel like you are trudging through deep snow at the moment, it is taking all the strength out of your legs as you trudge but the snow will thaw and you will see the snowdrop’s little heads peeping through, then the crocuses and daffodils heralding the arrival of spring. Before you know it you will be looking at daisies and dandelions and feeling the warmth of the sun on your face. For now I am going to bring to your remembrance good memories of people, times and places which brought you joy and happiness to brighten up the dark winter days and help them go quicker.

Wow Jesus, I love how you talk to me, you talk my language. You know how visual I am and create pictures with your words. I so appreciate that because it really helps me.

Yes I know dearest Fi, remember I know you inside out. I know how you see the world around you, how you interpret it and communicate with it. Feel good about the way you see things and communicate, it is good; it is not a bad thing. I know people have kind of looked at you and how you relate to the world and misinterpreted you but I love the way you relate to the world around you. It is making all this so much easier because you communicate so visually. This would be so much harder if you weren't so visual in how you communicate and relate to the world. It is what makes you, you Fi, and it is very precious. Don't let anyone take that away from you or try and make you communicate differently because you come to life when you do. When that gets squashed down, the spark that is you goes ever so dim. So let that light burn brightly and be you, dearest Fiona.

Yes Jesus, I will try to remember that, thank you for speaking so clearly and helpfully, it helps me a lot and kind of clarifies things for me.

I know your mother despised your clever brain and did her best to squash all that out of you but this healing process is bringing the real you out. It is lovely to see and you are easy to work with because you are so visual and communicate visually. Your mother was very wrong to try to turn you into an academic when your brain was not suited to that kind of working. I just love how the real you is beginning to emerge. That chrysalis you have been all your life is slowly cracking open into a beautiful butterfly. A beautiful butterfly that won't have broken wings but will have wings fit for purpose. It will be green, blue and purple, with splashes of maroon; it is no coincidence that they are your favourite combination of colours, now you know what those colours signify.

Oh yes Jesus wow yes, that is right – the BLUE represents communion & revelation; the GREEN represents life; the PURPLE represents royalty and the MAROON reminds me of the blood that you shed for me.

Yes dearest Fi, all that signifies what we are doing during this healing process. We are giving you revelation and new life. We are bringing new life to those dead places inside you. We are bringing you, dearest Fi, to life. We are grounding you in your true identity as a daughter of the King of Kings. We are using communion as a major key to your healing, as well as communing with you in deeper and deeper ways. And my blood cleanses you and covers you. So, now are you really are beginning to see how things fit together, how those colours you saw in your robes in heaven are not only your favourite colour combination but are signifying just what I, Father God and Holy Spirit are doing in your life. You are thinking of Psalm 139 now aren't you?

Yes, when it talks of being intricately woven together in the dark place.

Yes, that speaks of when you were created in the womb but it is also what the Father, Holy Spirit and me are doing in your healing.

So when all you see is darkness and all you feel is darkness and all your memories and dreams are filled with darkness look up and think of that butterfly, think of that scripture and think of those colours and what they signify.

Yes Jesus I will, thank you for that.

12 May 2009

Saturday, 9 May 2009


Fi I know the depth of your pain and the darkness of that pain, let me in to it so I can start to heal it, don't shut me out because of the pain, let me in.

My daughter, I know how alone you have felt, let me in to that pain and emptiness so I can heal that pain, I want to remove that abandonment and fill the void with the security of my love and acceptance, and the love and acceptance of Daddy God, we will never ever desert you, never.

Fi, do not be too hard on yourself, let me fill you with Joy also, I always want to give you Joy. Remember I know all about you Fi, I know all the pain, all the emptiness and rejection. I know how deep it hurts and I know it scares you.

Let me in to those areas, so I can begin to heal and take the pain of all that rejection from you and give you real deep security in exchange.

My dear beloved Fiona, you need to hear this again from me, I never intended any of that for you, I never wanted any of that to happen to you and I am sorry, I am really sorry, I am really truly sorry for all your hurt. I hated it too, every moment of it, it hurt me even more deeply than it hurt you.

You are my beloved child and I have only good plans for you. I want only good for you. I know this is hurting you, it is taking a lot out of you and that part of you wishes you have never begun this process. I know it takes a lot to keep yourself open and vulnerable.

I applaud your courage, your sheer bravery and your determination to see it through.

Just keep trusting me Fi, keep trusting. I am not going to run out on you. Keep trusting my child, keep trusting. We have come a long way and the worst stuff is behind you, it truly is. You have done the hardest stuff, you have told the worst stuff.

Just as I have healed you the trauma of the miscarriages, I will heal the trauma of those terrible abortions. Yes it will be hard and I know you are frightened of the pain, but I will heal you and I will restore to you all that was stolen from you. I will repair the damage. I am doing a work of complete restoration in you and that includes your virginity too. Yes I know that is a very deep hurt in you. That will be restored to you along with everything else that was stolen. I am going to restore everything to you. Keep asking for my Joy and my Peace and it will give you strength to keep going and make it through.

Yes my beloved Fi you can ask that ALL things that were stolen from you can be replaced, because that is what I want for you

I can't believe HE said that lol, something in me asked can I really ask Him for that but HE wants me to and won't punish me for asking.


Between the ages of 11 and 15 I was pregnant 7 times the result of rape, one of the pregnancies I was carrying twins. I lost 8 babies all together. The pain of never having had the chance to be a mom coupled with the pain of losing those babies was very deep, I felt the pain deep in my womb itself. The first two pregnancies ended late in forced home abortions. The damage caused by those abortions meant I miscarried the rest. One I miscarried very early in pregnancy down the toilet pan at school. The memories and the pain have been buried deep inside. Jesus said to me in the night when I woke feeling immense trauma and pain that this is the deepest pain a woman can know.
Over the course of 3 hours a remarkable healing event took place which I feel very vulnerable about and very blessed to have experienced. I was not going to write about it here but I was compelled in my spirit to share it to show just how deep the inner healing that Jesus offers can go. Don't ask me how the dynamics of it worked because I don't know how, all I know is it happened. I also know that Jesus is spirit and is able to transcend all the laws of physics.
Jesus came into my flat with two angels, one of whom had a large cot, and His arms full of babies. I was able to hold them one at a time and to name them, though I held the twins together. What follows is the transcript of that:-

ask Jesus to bring you the babies, so you can name them and hold them He will do it for you, He did it for a girl called “L” one night in a church when she confessed she had an abortion, He came with the baby and let her hold it and name her “D”, and “D” is waiting in heaven for the time when “L” is called home - ask Jesus and see

ok asking Him

what is Jesus doing Fiona?

I saw Him standing there with His arms full of babies, He has angels with Him too, one of the angels has brought a big cot and put it next to me

what do you think of your babies Fiona? Aren't they precious?

they are very precious and very beautiful and very noisy!! My eyes filled with tears when I saw Him with them

do you want to hold them and name them one at a time?

yes, they may be the product of rape but they are my babies

you know He brought them to you so you can name them and hold them, they are your babies Fiona and I know you are a good mom

the ones my heart has hurt for all these years, that ache in my heart has been more than just the motherlessness and barrenness I have felt as the years have gone by, they are so special because they are mine

Jesus is restoring to you the babies and healing your barrenness

I didn't choose to lose them through abortion and miscarriages, I miscarried because of the damage done to my insides, but I could not have brought them up, not in the environment I was in and I was only a child myself

no they were stolen from you by the enemy who has to pay back 7 fold

when I was 27 I was told I would never be able to have children because of the internal damage

do you want to hold and name the first one Jesus is about to give to you?

yes I do

ok then, reach out and hold that precious one, let the healing wash away all the pain so joy can take it's place

tears are pouring - Macey is his name, I am telling him that I am sorry, that I love him and that he is beautiful to me, he has lovely deep blue eyes and soft fair hair, he just gurgled contentedly

yes Fiona tell him how much you adore him and love him, awesome isn't Jesus wonderful

yes He is, the tears are pouring here, I just put Macey in the cot and I am reaching out for the next one, I'm calling her Faith Jesus is handing me the twins now - Charlie and Shaun, they are in the cot now and I am reaching for the next one, a girl, and she is making her voice heard

and what name for her Fiona?

Tricia - she has ginger hair + freckles, the twins were both dark
putting her in the cot now and reaching for the next, another girl - Trudi, she is in the cot now, reaching for the next, a boy this time – Phil, he's got freckles too, he's the one that I miscarried down the toilet pan, miscarried him very early, Jesus is coming to me with the last one, He is going to put her in my arms, I have to call her Joy because my joy is now complete

awesome Fiona

yes so wonderful, the tears are pouring here

I'm more than blessed at what Jesus has done for you, that was probably the largest place of unresolved pain in you


are you still able to forgive your parents?

I am struggling with that

well see that the babies are all safe and happy now (which they wouldn't have had that chance) J when you can pray blessing of salvation on your parents and brother then dragon breath will have been dealt a death blow, keep choosing by the force of your will, forgiveness, also ask Jesus to help you with that, how did it feel to hold them Fiona?

it feels so good, it is unbelievable how good it feels, joy is in the cot now, oh it is wonderful to hold them and tell them how wanted and loved they are, I never want to let them go

yes I understand that

to tell them all things I never heard, to make sure they know how wanted and loved they are and that when I get to heaven I will be able to hold them and hold them and not have to let them go, I gave them each 10-12mins in my arms, I could give them hours, one day I'll be able to give them hours

I want you to receive for yourself and all your little ones what you told them about how wanted you are where you didn't receive that, Jesus I believe would want that they are going to a place in heaven away from all that is here in this battle ground and you will one day be with them forever, let all the pain from the negative words and actions come out

Jesus has His arms around me


the pain when they disowned me and said “from this moment forward you do not exist”

Yes, all of that rejection

Wow, so much pain came pouring out of me

Yes, and you had been carrying that pain all along, very deep pain to the core of your being

Yes, I want to say bye to my babies before Jesus and the angels take them back just realised what I said then - MY BABIES

yes they are yours Fiona, all 8 of them are your babies

Jesus thank you for bringing me my babies and letting me name them and hold them, they are very precious to me - Macey, Faith, Charlie, Shaun, Tricia, Trudi, Phil and Joy - my babies, my babies, my precious babies, my precious babies, thank you for them Jesus and thank you that I can think of them as living breathing babies not the broken fetuses that they were, thank you that you looking after them and bringing them up for me, thank you especially for rescuing Phil from the toilet pan, it is astounding to think that you were there in that toilet cubicle all those years ago when I found myself bleeding into the toilet pan, and I had so much pain too I remember, and I was so frightened and so alone, but not as alone as I thought because you were there with me, thank for bringing them to me and letting me speak words of love and affirmation into their hearts, Jesus words cannot express what my heart is feeling, the memories being offset with the beauty of my precious babies, even if I am never able to have another child to hold and love in this life, I have 8 waiting for me

amen Fiona, ask Jesus to touch your womb

Jesus, please will you touch my womb and heal all that internal damage from the abuse, the rapes and the abortions, I would so love to be able to conceive and carry a child of my own, although I know age and circumstances are against me, I know nothing is impossible with you, that you can bring that special man into my life, that I can trust respect and feel safe with, that in itself would be a miracle never mind to be able to conceive and carry a healthy baby to full term, and be able to hold it and love on it and give it all the love and acceptance and affirmation that I never had, Jesus I am pouring out my heart to you, my deepest desires and my deepest aches, will you come now and touch me, touch my womb and reproductive organs and restore them to how they should have been, take away the memory and the pain of what that Dr said 16 years ago

break that pronouncement that Dr. made over you

I break the pronouncement that the Dr made over me and its effects upon my mind, emotions and womb in Jesus name, I speak life to my those parts of my mind and emotions that died when she said that, I speak life to my womb, also I do not accept any longer what that Dr said to be truth, Jesus I entrust my babies to your care, I give you Macey, Faith, Charlie, Shaun, Tricia, Trudi, Phil and Joy, and I trust you to look after them and bring them up, I do trust you with them Jesus, and I thank you for them, they mean the world to ne, and it means everything to have been able to hold them and love on them, even for just a very short time, I will carry that in my heart for the rest of my life, I do trust you to heal my barrenness and to lead me forward in this area, I do believe you are more than able Jesus, and Jesus as an act of my will I do forgive my parents for their actions regarding my babies, including the abortions, I forgive them for causing me so much damage that I miscarried the rest

Fiona can you ask Jesus to bless your parents and brother with salvation? if you ask that will give you more freedom, if you can't just yet, that is also ok

I can ask God to bless them, I can go that far

salvation means a lot of things Fiona but what you can ask, ask whatever is your heart that you can say

Jesus I ask that you will bless my parents and Stu, pressed down and running over, that the curses which are active over their lives because of their own actions will be cancelled, and the enemy's assignments on their lives be cancelled, and that you bless them Jesus mightily

I'm very proud of you Fiona, that was a huge prayer, by doing that you have crushed satan's head under your feet yes but the enemy is now reeling from that one and he won't be able to get at you like he could before because that legal ground is now off limits to him - wasn't that fun Fiona how Jesus did that?

yes it was wonderful, very wonderful

He had shown me that He could do that years ago

yes He is amazing how He can do that

6 May 2009

Monday, 4 May 2009


The last few days have been very difficult ones because God has been going very deep, revealing detail of horrific torture and rituals that I suffered at the hands of my parents over a number of years. I knew I had been tortured but the detail has been very hard to deal with. At the same time He has been reminding me of the threats that were made to me if I ever told, some of those threats were death threats. I have been walking a very difficult frightening path in not refusing to maintain my silence and in speaking out those terrible things. And my multiples/alters have also felt very frightened and unsure at times.

And then the following scripture came to me through a friend:-

Habakkuk 3: 19

"The Lord God is my strength, my personal bravery and my invincible army . . . He makes my feet . . not to stand still in terror but to walk and make progress upon my high places of trouble and suffering."

And then Jesus spoke the following words of reassurance to me:-

you are not without protection, it may feel like it but you aren't, I am your protector and I will not, I will not, I will not let them near you ever again, you have me and the angels protecting you, you can believe in our protection, you can believe in us, you can sleep easy because nothing will happen to you in your sleep, you can go out without looking over your shoulder all the time because we are with you, let us take that weight from you and worry about keeping you safe, I want you to start living as if they were not alive anymore and not a threat to you, because actually they are as good as dead to you, let me deal with them and do the work of protecting you, you can trust us with your security, it is not your job anymore to keep yourself safe, it is our job and we never sleep or take naps or slip off for a break, no we are there all the time, 24/7, making sure that you and everything that pertains to you are kept safe and secure at all times, I know you fear the power of their witchcraft but my power is far greater, they cannot and will not get past me, rest from the worry and fear, let me erase those threats from your mind and your heart, let me fill you with the reassurance that you are safe now, they cannot and will not ever harm you again, I love you so much my dear Fiona that I will move heaven and earth to ensure your safety, that is how much I love you, yes Fi you can depend upon that you can hand your security over to me and know it is in safe hands, you have done a great job over the years of keeping yourself safe but it has also kept you very alone, let me take on the job of keeping you safe while you start to live a little, I will prevail, my power is greater than his, the enemy will not prevail over you Fiona, you can feel safe, you truly can feel safe, the enemy will not prevail over you, he shall not, he shall not, the enemy will NOT prevail, I want to have you whole and happy, you are safe and it is all going to be alright because I am in control and I am with you all the time

3 May 2009

Saturday, 2 May 2009


Jesus can I talk to you? I am feeling all this shame.

YES dearest Fi you can, yes I know you are, just talk about all the things that you are feeling shame about, I am here to listen and help you, I know you are afraid, you think I think you are as disgusting as you feel, but I don't, I really don’t.

OK Jesus I do feel very disgusting and revolting, that stuff so defiled me that I feel it right to my core, I’ve never spoken about those things, I’ve kept them inside, now they are out I kind of feel very fragile, now the shame is out in the open as well as inside me, that revulsion goes very deep, I feel quite sick just thinking of some of the things, I feel like every pore of my body feels shame, revulsion and defilement, I can't even find the words, I just feel something that is so deep, I kind of feel like I just cannot get this stuff off of me, my body remembers as much as my mind, I cannot get the feelings of disgust and revulsion out of my body, I wish I could get it out of my system but it refuses to go away, I need your help Jesus, I need to hear how you see me, I need you to tell me, please tell me Jesus.

MY dearest beloved Fi, I am so pleased you are telling me about how your shame and feelings of disgust and revulsion, I know that you hate your body and are disgusted by your body and disgusted by what your body and mind remembers, I am not disgusted by you, I am not disgusted by your body, no Fi I am not, I really am not, I am not disgusted, I do not look at you with disgust, you are beautiful to me, Fi you are very beautiful, when I came to live in your heart I cleaned you up and made you sparkling clean, your feelings need to catch up with that, and they will as I bring healing in, you are more than what happened to you, I am wiping that slate clean gradually, I look upon you my daughter with great delight, I love to watch you, I sit by your bed and watch you sleep, and you look so peaceful and cute lying there

You are a work of art, my work of art, a person of immense value and beauty, I love to look upon you and the person who you are, your lovely big soft heart that really cares about people, your gorgeous greeny brown eyes that don't miss a trick, your lovely dark hair which I wish you would grow long, your dimples which light up your face when you smile, you have so much beauty not just externally but internally too

I look upon you with great pride too because you are a fighter, you will not quit or give in because you are determined to be all that I desire you to be, because you are who you are, a beautiful woman who deserves to be loved and appreciated and nurtured, a flower awaiting the sun's rays to hit it so it can open up and so its full beauty off, you are as beautiful as any sunset you have seen, as any carpet of bluebells you have chanced upon, you are very, very precious.

I make you worthy Fi, I am making something very beautiful out of the ashes of the horror of your life

MY dearest beloved Fi every time you feel that shame, revulsion and defilement, remember how I see you and how daddy sees you, pure, clean, spotless, yes I say it again pure, clean, spotless, that is who you really are, what you really are, you are so beautiful Fi, don't be afraid of your beauty either, don't fear it, don't fear your femininity either because you see that when you see beauty and you fear it, I am restoring all that to you.

You find it hard to receive compliments and be told how beautiful you are because they were so often a prelude to abuse and rape, yes I know, stay present with me Fi, receive it deep into your being, let it wipe out those feelings of disgust and revulsion

I know that they said bad things about your body, that is why I am saying so many good things about your body, I also know they used false compliments, especially your brother and occasionally your father as a prelude to rape, I speak the positives with only one motive in mind your healing, to build you up, to wipe out all that terrible stuff.

Friday, 1 May 2009


I just had to write to tell you how much I love you and care for you. Yesterday I saw you walking and laughing with your friends. I hoped that soon you'd want Me to walk along with you too. So, I painted you a sunset to close your day and whispered a cool breeze to refresh you. I waited-you never called-I just kept on loving you.

As I watched you fall asleep last night, I wanted so much to touch you, I spilled moonlight onto your face-trickling down your cheeks as so many tears have. You didn't even think of Me: I wanted so much to comfort you.

The next day I exploded a brilliant sunrise into glorious morning for you. But you woke up late and rushed off to work - you didn't even notice. My sky became cloudy and my tears were the rain.

I love you. Oh, if you'd only listen. I really love you. I try to say it in the quiet of the green meadow and the blue sky. The wind whispers My love throughout the tree tops and spills it into the vibrant colors of all the flowers. I shout it to you in the thunder of the great waterfalls and compose love songs for the birds to sing for you. I warm you with the clothing of My sunshine and perfume the air with natures sweet scent. My love for you is deeper than the ocean and greater than any need in you heart. If you'd only realize how I care.

My Dad sends His love. I want you to meet Him-He cares too. Fathers are just that way. So, please call on Me soon. No matter how long it takes I'll wait- because I love you.

Your Friend, Jesus