I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Friday, 15 May 2009


Today (14th May) was my mother’s 69th birthday. I do not actively remember the date, but even so it is passively there in the recesses of my mind. It has been a hard day today. I’ve been feeling very empty and alone, very motherless and also feeling a lot of hurt and trauma about her brutality, hatred and torture of me. I was so terrorised and brutalised by her. Jesus walked through the day very closely and very tenderly to me and then stepped in tonight and did something very beautiful.

Remember the green, blue, purple and maroon butterfly Fi?


CAN you see that?

YES saw it land on to Jesus's hand, He is admiring it

GOOD, while Jesus is ministering to your heart keep your eyes on that butterfly and let Jesus tell you all about you (the butterfly), let Him encourage you

DO you see this beautiful butterfly Fi?
YES I do Jesus, it is gorgeous
YES it is, it didn't start out life this way, it began life as a little larvae which was hidden inside a colourless chrysalis, it grew in the hidden place which wasn't a place of beauty, just an ordinary colourless unremarkable place, out of that colourless unremarkable place eventually emerged this beautiful butterfly, look at the intricate designs on its wings, look how intricately interwoven those colours are, they blend in and out of each other, look at the size of its wings and how proportioned they are to the rest of it, it has a special place in creation, the world wouldn't quite be the same place without this one butterfly which shares its colour in a sometimes very bland colourless world and shares its beauty in such a way, you cannot help but look and admire, it may only be a very tiny part of creation, one you might miss in the blink of an eye but without its colour and beauty this world would be a lesser place, watch it fly effortlessly, watch how it folds it's wings as it moves up into the air and when it lands it keeps them folded too, then when it knows it is securely positioned it opens its wings to the light and to the world, it just fits Fi, that butterfly just fits, by being the item of beauty which it is it makes the world a brighter place, it does not have to do anything to fit, it just does, it does not have to do anything to be loved, it just is, for what it is, a beautiful butterfly, I took enormous joy in creating that one little butterfly, interweaving its colours to make it unique, there is no other butterfly in the world that looks the same, the patterns of its colours are unique, this butterfly is unique and is very precious in its uniqueness, it would upset me if anything happened to this butterfly because of its beauty and uniqueness, I love this butterfly for who it is, I love it because I made it, fashioned it, designed it and named it, see it land again on my finger, watch how it spreads its wings to the light again, see how free it is
MY dearest Fi I know you feel that your life has been bland, colourless and unremarkable, just one great big mess, but I am creating beauty out of the blandness and colourlessness of your life, I am bringing order to that mess, what I am creating is so unique and beautiful that its value is priceless, the 4 colours I showed you which signify what I am doing with your life are being delicately and intricately interwoven, one will not be greater than another, they will be beautifully balanced, the design of your life is very intricate, you dearest Fi, like this butterfly, are a work of art, a beautiful work of art that will never be repeated and could never be imitated either, what started out as bland and colourless is turning into the most amazing combination of colour and texture, when you feel secure you will spread your wings to the light, and show your beauty to the world, you will transform the world around you by doing so, just as this butterfly transforms the bland and colourless, the world would be a lesser place without you Fi, your wings will be perfectly portioned so you get the right amount of lift without being overloaded, you may think you are small and insignificant like this tiny butterfly, but actually when you open your wings up, wow Fi, then your significance will be clear to all, including you
I took immense joy in creating you in your mother's womb, she never wanted you and made sure you knew it, but I always wanted you, she made sure you knew what a bother you were to them, you are of immense importance and value to me and to the kingdom of light, I love you for who you are Fi, I designed you, fashioned you, formed you and named you, I brought you forth into this world, I always had a place for you, fit Fi, you belong, you have so much to give like the butterfly has too, just by being you, being who I created you to be, you belong to me Fi, you belong to Father God, we want you dearly and your value is priceless, we so want you to be as free and effortless as this butterfly and leave us to worry about the fine details, you are breathtakingly beautiful Fi, yes you are breathtakingly beautiful, I love to watch you, I delight to watch you, just as I am delighting in this butterfly, you are precious and unique and can only be you, let me bring you to life and draw that colour out of you so that you see yourself as we, Father, Holy Spirit and I, see you, your life is no longer bland or colourless, it is so beautiful, your mother never wanted you and rejected you in the womb and spent the next 20 years making sure you knew exactly how she felt about you
FI, you are wanted, totally accepted for who you are, I want to spend every moment of the rest of your life making sure you know exactly how I feel about you, making sure you know how loved you are, how wanted you are, how valuable you are, how beautiful you are, making sure you know you belong, that you fit, that I will never ever reject you or forsake you, or tell you that you don't exist anymore, or tell you I don't want to know you anymore, never ever dearest Fi, if I care so deeply about something as small and seemingly insignificant as this butterfly, I care even more deeply about you, you are infinitely precious and breathtakingly beautiful, let those words sink deep inside, let those words wipe away all the nasty ones that made you feel small and insignificant, that told you that you were worthless and had no value because they were lies, that made you feel unloved and unwanted because you have always been loved and wanted by me and Father God, let my words wipe out all those shouted curses which condemned you simply because they would not accept you as you, let my words wipe out those that made you feel dirty and ugly
LET my words erase all those terrible names that your mother called you because I call you lovely, beautiful, radiant, wanted, precious, pure, priceless, royalty, daughter, loved and beloved, my precious jewel, unique, significant, of enormous worth, I call you accepted too, valuable, delightful, I call you wanted again and again, you are wanted, you to need to hear that again and again, you are so wanted, so wanted and so included not excluded, you do belong dearest Fi, yes you do, you fit perfectly and have such an important part to play, you have so much preciousness to give, you are wonderful to me Fi and I treasure you, woe betide anyone who touches the apple of my eye because yes dearest Fi, you are the apple of my eye, you are papa's favourite, we so long for you to begin to believe these truths and stop listening to and believing the lies that are in your mind and heart, everything I have said is truth and yes Fi, this world would be a lesser place without you in it, so keep pushing through that chrysalis, the effort will be worth it, when you emerge you will be so beautiful that many will stop and admire my handiwork, then you will realise just what beauty I have made of your bland, colourless seemingly unremarkable start in life, your breath too will be swept away as you admire my handiwork, spread your wings and be who I created you to be, all around you will be transformed, like this butterfly you have a special part to play, I am so excited to see you just beginning to tentatively emerge, just beginning to tentatively believe the truth, just beginning to tentatively believe that you do matter and you do belong
YES Jesus I am just beginning to believe the truth and kick out the lies, I am beginning to realise that I matter that I belong and have much to give, I’m beginning to realise that I’m loved and wanted and that it is your opinion, Jesus, that really matters my parent's opinion is of little consequence in the light of your love and acceptance, help me to find my security in your love and acceptance and begin to finally put them behind me with you always in my view, I don't know what to say after all you have said
MY dearest Fi, you don't have to say anything, I just ask that you store those words away in your heart and pull on them when all the lies and bad thoughts start crowding in on you, keep that butterfly in your mind's eye and keep going back to it, remembering what I have spoken and letting the butterfly speak afresh to you every time you glance at it, spend time admiring that butterfly and watching it, the more you watch it the more you will become like it, you don't have to do anything to belong, you just do Fi, you don't have to do anything to be accepted you just are Fi, you don't have to do anything to be loved, you just are Fi. you don't have to change anything to fit, because you just fit perfectly Fi, my love and acceptance are totally unconditional, there are no conditions or strings attached, there is no end to it either, my love and acceptance are eternal, you are eternally accepted, yes Fi I say it again you are eternally accepted, you are eternally wanted, again I repeat, you are eternally wanted and you are eternally loved, again I repeat eternally loved, you are eternally wanted, accepted and loved, let that deal a death blow to the rejection and abandonment stuff, you are eternally wanted, accepted and loved, you eternally belong and you eternally fit, there is no catch dearest Fi, no catch at all, can a mother reject the child that she bore? yes she may, but I will never reject you, though your father and mother abandoned you I have adopted you and made you my own daughter, you have been eternally adopted, you are forever and eternally a precious daughter of the King of Kings, you are no longer motherless or fatherless for I am gathering you and establishing you with new foundations which will be unshakeable and indestructible, you are no longer an orphan but are eternally adopted and eternally grafted into my family, remember too you are no longer childless, you are a special mom to 8 beautiful babies who know that you love them
FI, think about that love you have for your babies, think how deep that goes and how protective and proactive that love is, my love and the love of Father God are like that, magnified to even greater levels, just as you could never do anything to hurt your babies so I could never do anything to hurt you, that is how precious you are to me, just as that butterfly is too
YES Jesus it is beginning to sink in now I am beginning to see that and to realise that
YOU are infinitely loved and wanted my dearest Fi, I will say it over and over and over for as long as I need to until you really believe it, so it might seem to be a tiny insignificant butterfly but actually there is a lot to learn from just watching it and admiring it isn't there Fi?
YES Jesus, there is, I am reminded of where it says in Matthew's gospel about see the lilies of the field, can't quite remember how it goes but it is all about not worrying
YES it is and about seeing how I take care of all they need to grow and prosper, even more so do I take care of all you need to grow and prosper
YES I see yes thank you Jesus
SO how are you feeling now dearest Fi?
I am feeling more secure now, no longer feeling empty and abandoned, I know that I matter to you, that was one of the things I really needed to know, that I mattered
YES I know it was, keep coming back to this illustration, keep reading and re reading it, every time rejection and abandonment rear up return to this, every time you feel lost and that you don't matter, return to this and don't stop pushing through one day you will find yourself out of your chrysalis and free, keep trusting dearest Fi, keep trusting and keep your heart soft and your spirit teachable, over all keep trusting, just keep trusting
YES Jesus I will keep trusting, I will keep trusting and pushing through
I know you will because I know you are not a quitter, I know that you want all that I want for you

14 May 2009

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