I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Saturday, 9 May 2009


Between the ages of 11 and 15 I was pregnant 7 times the result of rape, one of the pregnancies I was carrying twins. I lost 8 babies all together. The pain of never having had the chance to be a mom coupled with the pain of losing those babies was very deep, I felt the pain deep in my womb itself. The first two pregnancies ended late in forced home abortions. The damage caused by those abortions meant I miscarried the rest. One I miscarried very early in pregnancy down the toilet pan at school. The memories and the pain have been buried deep inside. Jesus said to me in the night when I woke feeling immense trauma and pain that this is the deepest pain a woman can know.
Over the course of 3 hours a remarkable healing event took place which I feel very vulnerable about and very blessed to have experienced. I was not going to write about it here but I was compelled in my spirit to share it to show just how deep the inner healing that Jesus offers can go. Don't ask me how the dynamics of it worked because I don't know how, all I know is it happened. I also know that Jesus is spirit and is able to transcend all the laws of physics.
Jesus came into my flat with two angels, one of whom had a large cot, and His arms full of babies. I was able to hold them one at a time and to name them, though I held the twins together. What follows is the transcript of that:-

ask Jesus to bring you the babies, so you can name them and hold them He will do it for you, He did it for a girl called “L” one night in a church when she confessed she had an abortion, He came with the baby and let her hold it and name her “D”, and “D” is waiting in heaven for the time when “L” is called home - ask Jesus and see

ok asking Him

what is Jesus doing Fiona?

I saw Him standing there with His arms full of babies, He has angels with Him too, one of the angels has brought a big cot and put it next to me

what do you think of your babies Fiona? Aren't they precious?

they are very precious and very beautiful and very noisy!! My eyes filled with tears when I saw Him with them

do you want to hold them and name them one at a time?

yes, they may be the product of rape but they are my babies

you know He brought them to you so you can name them and hold them, they are your babies Fiona and I know you are a good mom

the ones my heart has hurt for all these years, that ache in my heart has been more than just the motherlessness and barrenness I have felt as the years have gone by, they are so special because they are mine

Jesus is restoring to you the babies and healing your barrenness

I didn't choose to lose them through abortion and miscarriages, I miscarried because of the damage done to my insides, but I could not have brought them up, not in the environment I was in and I was only a child myself

no they were stolen from you by the enemy who has to pay back 7 fold

when I was 27 I was told I would never be able to have children because of the internal damage

do you want to hold and name the first one Jesus is about to give to you?

yes I do

ok then, reach out and hold that precious one, let the healing wash away all the pain so joy can take it's place

tears are pouring - Macey is his name, I am telling him that I am sorry, that I love him and that he is beautiful to me, he has lovely deep blue eyes and soft fair hair, he just gurgled contentedly

yes Fiona tell him how much you adore him and love him, awesome isn't Jesus wonderful

yes He is, the tears are pouring here, I just put Macey in the cot and I am reaching out for the next one, I'm calling her Faith Jesus is handing me the twins now - Charlie and Shaun, they are in the cot now and I am reaching for the next one, a girl, and she is making her voice heard

and what name for her Fiona?

Tricia - she has ginger hair + freckles, the twins were both dark
putting her in the cot now and reaching for the next, another girl - Trudi, she is in the cot now, reaching for the next, a boy this time – Phil, he's got freckles too, he's the one that I miscarried down the toilet pan, miscarried him very early, Jesus is coming to me with the last one, He is going to put her in my arms, I have to call her Joy because my joy is now complete

awesome Fiona

yes so wonderful, the tears are pouring here

I'm more than blessed at what Jesus has done for you, that was probably the largest place of unresolved pain in you


are you still able to forgive your parents?

I am struggling with that

well see that the babies are all safe and happy now (which they wouldn't have had that chance) J when you can pray blessing of salvation on your parents and brother then dragon breath will have been dealt a death blow, keep choosing by the force of your will, forgiveness, also ask Jesus to help you with that, how did it feel to hold them Fiona?

it feels so good, it is unbelievable how good it feels, joy is in the cot now, oh it is wonderful to hold them and tell them how wanted and loved they are, I never want to let them go

yes I understand that

to tell them all things I never heard, to make sure they know how wanted and loved they are and that when I get to heaven I will be able to hold them and hold them and not have to let them go, I gave them each 10-12mins in my arms, I could give them hours, one day I'll be able to give them hours

I want you to receive for yourself and all your little ones what you told them about how wanted you are where you didn't receive that, Jesus I believe would want that they are going to a place in heaven away from all that is here in this battle ground and you will one day be with them forever, let all the pain from the negative words and actions come out

Jesus has His arms around me


the pain when they disowned me and said “from this moment forward you do not exist”

Yes, all of that rejection

Wow, so much pain came pouring out of me

Yes, and you had been carrying that pain all along, very deep pain to the core of your being

Yes, I want to say bye to my babies before Jesus and the angels take them back just realised what I said then - MY BABIES

yes they are yours Fiona, all 8 of them are your babies

Jesus thank you for bringing me my babies and letting me name them and hold them, they are very precious to me - Macey, Faith, Charlie, Shaun, Tricia, Trudi, Phil and Joy - my babies, my babies, my precious babies, my precious babies, thank you for them Jesus and thank you that I can think of them as living breathing babies not the broken fetuses that they were, thank you that you looking after them and bringing them up for me, thank you especially for rescuing Phil from the toilet pan, it is astounding to think that you were there in that toilet cubicle all those years ago when I found myself bleeding into the toilet pan, and I had so much pain too I remember, and I was so frightened and so alone, but not as alone as I thought because you were there with me, thank for bringing them to me and letting me speak words of love and affirmation into their hearts, Jesus words cannot express what my heart is feeling, the memories being offset with the beauty of my precious babies, even if I am never able to have another child to hold and love in this life, I have 8 waiting for me

amen Fiona, ask Jesus to touch your womb

Jesus, please will you touch my womb and heal all that internal damage from the abuse, the rapes and the abortions, I would so love to be able to conceive and carry a child of my own, although I know age and circumstances are against me, I know nothing is impossible with you, that you can bring that special man into my life, that I can trust respect and feel safe with, that in itself would be a miracle never mind to be able to conceive and carry a healthy baby to full term, and be able to hold it and love on it and give it all the love and acceptance and affirmation that I never had, Jesus I am pouring out my heart to you, my deepest desires and my deepest aches, will you come now and touch me, touch my womb and reproductive organs and restore them to how they should have been, take away the memory and the pain of what that Dr said 16 years ago

break that pronouncement that Dr. made over you

I break the pronouncement that the Dr made over me and its effects upon my mind, emotions and womb in Jesus name, I speak life to my those parts of my mind and emotions that died when she said that, I speak life to my womb, also I do not accept any longer what that Dr said to be truth, Jesus I entrust my babies to your care, I give you Macey, Faith, Charlie, Shaun, Tricia, Trudi, Phil and Joy, and I trust you to look after them and bring them up, I do trust you with them Jesus, and I thank you for them, they mean the world to ne, and it means everything to have been able to hold them and love on them, even for just a very short time, I will carry that in my heart for the rest of my life, I do trust you to heal my barrenness and to lead me forward in this area, I do believe you are more than able Jesus, and Jesus as an act of my will I do forgive my parents for their actions regarding my babies, including the abortions, I forgive them for causing me so much damage that I miscarried the rest

Fiona can you ask Jesus to bless your parents and brother with salvation? if you ask that will give you more freedom, if you can't just yet, that is also ok

I can ask God to bless them, I can go that far

salvation means a lot of things Fiona but what you can ask, ask whatever is your heart that you can say

Jesus I ask that you will bless my parents and Stu, pressed down and running over, that the curses which are active over their lives because of their own actions will be cancelled, and the enemy's assignments on their lives be cancelled, and that you bless them Jesus mightily

I'm very proud of you Fiona, that was a huge prayer, by doing that you have crushed satan's head under your feet yes but the enemy is now reeling from that one and he won't be able to get at you like he could before because that legal ground is now off limits to him - wasn't that fun Fiona how Jesus did that?

yes it was wonderful, very wonderful

He had shown me that He could do that years ago

yes He is amazing how He can do that

6 May 2009

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