I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Saturday, 2 May 2009


Jesus can I talk to you? I am feeling all this shame.

YES dearest Fi you can, yes I know you are, just talk about all the things that you are feeling shame about, I am here to listen and help you, I know you are afraid, you think I think you are as disgusting as you feel, but I don't, I really don’t.

OK Jesus I do feel very disgusting and revolting, that stuff so defiled me that I feel it right to my core, I’ve never spoken about those things, I’ve kept them inside, now they are out I kind of feel very fragile, now the shame is out in the open as well as inside me, that revulsion goes very deep, I feel quite sick just thinking of some of the things, I feel like every pore of my body feels shame, revulsion and defilement, I can't even find the words, I just feel something that is so deep, I kind of feel like I just cannot get this stuff off of me, my body remembers as much as my mind, I cannot get the feelings of disgust and revulsion out of my body, I wish I could get it out of my system but it refuses to go away, I need your help Jesus, I need to hear how you see me, I need you to tell me, please tell me Jesus.

MY dearest beloved Fi, I am so pleased you are telling me about how your shame and feelings of disgust and revulsion, I know that you hate your body and are disgusted by your body and disgusted by what your body and mind remembers, I am not disgusted by you, I am not disgusted by your body, no Fi I am not, I really am not, I am not disgusted, I do not look at you with disgust, you are beautiful to me, Fi you are very beautiful, when I came to live in your heart I cleaned you up and made you sparkling clean, your feelings need to catch up with that, and they will as I bring healing in, you are more than what happened to you, I am wiping that slate clean gradually, I look upon you my daughter with great delight, I love to watch you, I sit by your bed and watch you sleep, and you look so peaceful and cute lying there

You are a work of art, my work of art, a person of immense value and beauty, I love to look upon you and the person who you are, your lovely big soft heart that really cares about people, your gorgeous greeny brown eyes that don't miss a trick, your lovely dark hair which I wish you would grow long, your dimples which light up your face when you smile, you have so much beauty not just externally but internally too

I look upon you with great pride too because you are a fighter, you will not quit or give in because you are determined to be all that I desire you to be, because you are who you are, a beautiful woman who deserves to be loved and appreciated and nurtured, a flower awaiting the sun's rays to hit it so it can open up and so its full beauty off, you are as beautiful as any sunset you have seen, as any carpet of bluebells you have chanced upon, you are very, very precious.

I make you worthy Fi, I am making something very beautiful out of the ashes of the horror of your life

MY dearest beloved Fi every time you feel that shame, revulsion and defilement, remember how I see you and how daddy sees you, pure, clean, spotless, yes I say it again pure, clean, spotless, that is who you really are, what you really are, you are so beautiful Fi, don't be afraid of your beauty either, don't fear it, don't fear your femininity either because you see that when you see beauty and you fear it, I am restoring all that to you.

You find it hard to receive compliments and be told how beautiful you are because they were so often a prelude to abuse and rape, yes I know, stay present with me Fi, receive it deep into your being, let it wipe out those feelings of disgust and revulsion

I know that they said bad things about your body, that is why I am saying so many good things about your body, I also know they used false compliments, especially your brother and occasionally your father as a prelude to rape, I speak the positives with only one motive in mind your healing, to build you up, to wipe out all that terrible stuff.

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