I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Wednesday, 13 May 2009


Jesus took me for a walk in a vision today and spoke very specially to my heart.

I am walking through a wood. There are all sorts of wild mushrooms around, all sorts of shapes and sizes and squirrels running through the trees. The sun is shining down through the leaves creating lovely patterns of light. I am reminded of a wood in Germany that I got to know well on a trip there 16 years ago. Trails through the wood lead off in all directions, I have a feeling of being a bit of an adventurer, following the trails, seeing where they lead. I like that feeling. I feel safe and at ease with Jesus here. We’ve come to a little place in the wood where there is a cleared area and a fire roaring in the centre with logs around to sit on, we are stopping here, there is wood stacked nearby for the fire. There was a pan of water boiling over the fire, Jesus has lifted that down and is making a brew. It is nice to feel that hot mug in my hands, between that and the fire I have something to focus on. Jesus just smiled an easy smile, He is very relaxed and He is relaxing me.

Jesus it is good to be here, it is a relaxing place to be. I love the smell of the foliage around. The smell of the fire burning too, listening to it crackle away is so relaxing and to see the squirrels hopping through the trees always fascinates me.

Yes Fi, I know you love squirrels. I remember how you enjoyed all your walks through that wood in Germany and I am glad that you have remembered that because that was a happy time, that trip to Germany.

Yes it was Jesus, it was a very happy time taking the young people away, being the group's interpreter for that trip and learning the German praise songs round the camp fire while drinking their beer. I grew a lot in my confidence on that trip. It was good and it is good to remember it too. Why do you bring it to mind Jesus?

I wanted to remind you of that two week period because it was such a happy time. It took you completely away from your normal environment. You so enjoyed working with those young people, helping them through their issues. They learned a lot from you. I know you were thinking about them quite recently.

Yes, I was funnily enough, just last week on the bus I was thinking about Dirk and the rest of them, wondering what they had done with their lives. Funny I hadn't thought of them for years and then I did last week.

I am actively bringing back to your memory Fi people and places that have good memories attached to them because they will help to balance all the other stuff that is coming up and that will come up. Going to Bath recently reminded you of them too, of when you took them to Bath and London on their visit here.

Yes it did Jesus, it was good to recall that and to remember those two trips, they were such fun.

Yes, I know. I am going to be bringing more good memories back to the surface to help you through, to help keep you balanced because more not nice stuff is going to come to the surface and you are going to need those good memories to pull on.

That is a great plan you have there Jesus, thanks for working that one out.

You are welcome Fi, my Father, I and Holy Spirit; we are all working together on this. We will pull you through and out the other side. I know you have doubts but we will pull you through. You will start to walk in lighter times like you have never known before. There will be an end to all these bad memories and bad feelings and bad thoughts. I cannot say when but I can promise to get you through and out into the sunshine, into the plans and purposes I have for you.

The season will change Fi, at the moment you are walking through winter. It won't be long before you find yourself in spring; summer comes along very quickly after that. I know you feel like you are trudging through deep snow at the moment, it is taking all the strength out of your legs as you trudge but the snow will thaw and you will see the snowdrop’s little heads peeping through, then the crocuses and daffodils heralding the arrival of spring. Before you know it you will be looking at daisies and dandelions and feeling the warmth of the sun on your face. For now I am going to bring to your remembrance good memories of people, times and places which brought you joy and happiness to brighten up the dark winter days and help them go quicker.

Wow Jesus, I love how you talk to me, you talk my language. You know how visual I am and create pictures with your words. I so appreciate that because it really helps me.

Yes I know dearest Fi, remember I know you inside out. I know how you see the world around you, how you interpret it and communicate with it. Feel good about the way you see things and communicate, it is good; it is not a bad thing. I know people have kind of looked at you and how you relate to the world and misinterpreted you but I love the way you relate to the world around you. It is making all this so much easier because you communicate so visually. This would be so much harder if you weren't so visual in how you communicate and relate to the world. It is what makes you, you Fi, and it is very precious. Don't let anyone take that away from you or try and make you communicate differently because you come to life when you do. When that gets squashed down, the spark that is you goes ever so dim. So let that light burn brightly and be you, dearest Fiona.

Yes Jesus, I will try to remember that, thank you for speaking so clearly and helpfully, it helps me a lot and kind of clarifies things for me.

I know your mother despised your clever brain and did her best to squash all that out of you but this healing process is bringing the real you out. It is lovely to see and you are easy to work with because you are so visual and communicate visually. Your mother was very wrong to try to turn you into an academic when your brain was not suited to that kind of working. I just love how the real you is beginning to emerge. That chrysalis you have been all your life is slowly cracking open into a beautiful butterfly. A beautiful butterfly that won't have broken wings but will have wings fit for purpose. It will be green, blue and purple, with splashes of maroon; it is no coincidence that they are your favourite combination of colours, now you know what those colours signify.

Oh yes Jesus wow yes, that is right – the BLUE represents communion & revelation; the GREEN represents life; the PURPLE represents royalty and the MAROON reminds me of the blood that you shed for me.

Yes dearest Fi, all that signifies what we are doing during this healing process. We are giving you revelation and new life. We are bringing new life to those dead places inside you. We are bringing you, dearest Fi, to life. We are grounding you in your true identity as a daughter of the King of Kings. We are using communion as a major key to your healing, as well as communing with you in deeper and deeper ways. And my blood cleanses you and covers you. So, now are you really are beginning to see how things fit together, how those colours you saw in your robes in heaven are not only your favourite colour combination but are signifying just what I, Father God and Holy Spirit are doing in your life. You are thinking of Psalm 139 now aren't you?

Yes, when it talks of being intricately woven together in the dark place.

Yes, that speaks of when you were created in the womb but it is also what the Father, Holy Spirit and me are doing in your healing.

So when all you see is darkness and all you feel is darkness and all your memories and dreams are filled with darkness look up and think of that butterfly, think of that scripture and think of those colours and what they signify.

Yes Jesus I will, thank you for that.

12 May 2009

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