I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Saturday, 9 May 2009


Fi I know the depth of your pain and the darkness of that pain, let me in to it so I can start to heal it, don't shut me out because of the pain, let me in.

My daughter, I know how alone you have felt, let me in to that pain and emptiness so I can heal that pain, I want to remove that abandonment and fill the void with the security of my love and acceptance, and the love and acceptance of Daddy God, we will never ever desert you, never.

Fi, do not be too hard on yourself, let me fill you with Joy also, I always want to give you Joy. Remember I know all about you Fi, I know all the pain, all the emptiness and rejection. I know how deep it hurts and I know it scares you.

Let me in to those areas, so I can begin to heal and take the pain of all that rejection from you and give you real deep security in exchange.

My dear beloved Fiona, you need to hear this again from me, I never intended any of that for you, I never wanted any of that to happen to you and I am sorry, I am really sorry, I am really truly sorry for all your hurt. I hated it too, every moment of it, it hurt me even more deeply than it hurt you.

You are my beloved child and I have only good plans for you. I want only good for you. I know this is hurting you, it is taking a lot out of you and that part of you wishes you have never begun this process. I know it takes a lot to keep yourself open and vulnerable.

I applaud your courage, your sheer bravery and your determination to see it through.

Just keep trusting me Fi, keep trusting. I am not going to run out on you. Keep trusting my child, keep trusting. We have come a long way and the worst stuff is behind you, it truly is. You have done the hardest stuff, you have told the worst stuff.

Just as I have healed you the trauma of the miscarriages, I will heal the trauma of those terrible abortions. Yes it will be hard and I know you are frightened of the pain, but I will heal you and I will restore to you all that was stolen from you. I will repair the damage. I am doing a work of complete restoration in you and that includes your virginity too. Yes I know that is a very deep hurt in you. That will be restored to you along with everything else that was stolen. I am going to restore everything to you. Keep asking for my Joy and my Peace and it will give you strength to keep going and make it through.

Yes my beloved Fi you can ask that ALL things that were stolen from you can be replaced, because that is what I want for you

I can't believe HE said that lol, something in me asked can I really ask Him for that but HE wants me to and won't punish me for asking.

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