I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 31 May 2009


Before this happened I had been working through the trauma of one of my miscarriages when I was 14 and I was feeling a lot of shame and pain.

Jesus remind me what you think of me, I need to hear it again

ah my dearly beloved Fiona, I love you so deeply, you are so precious to me, you are the biggest sparkling gemstone in my crown, you are the apple of my eye, I love you because you are you, you are a beautiful princess to me, you are not the dirty shame filled person you often feel like, no you are clean and spotless before me, sparkling radiant in your beautiful maroon robe, in that gorgeous white dress and the tiara, your hair that shimmered with precious jewels and that wonderful colourful gown I had for you, too you wear all those colours that are symbolic of my work in you

you are that beautiful graceful butterfly flying free, opening its wings to the sunlight, perching precariously on the edge of a flower, delicate and beautiful that is you, I am making you that butterfly, keep your eyes on that butterfly, shift your focus from the stuff inside, focus in on that butterfly, you are that butterfly, that butterfly is you, you are so beautiful, your value is immeasurable, you are so precious to me, I cannot say it enough, I love you so dearly and so preciously, there is so much you have to give but I don't love you because of your talents, I love you because you are you, I have always loved you, I will always love you, I will never leave you, I will always be with you right by your side, I will never desert you, I will never reject you, I will never disown you because you are so incredibly precious to me, zoom on the butterfly, watch it's graceful movements, how majestic it is in its beauty, your beauty is breathtaking and is mirrored in this butterfly, so graceful and free, that is the real you, not graceless and bumbling about like you feel you are

I want to give you my peace because I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, nothing you could ever do or say could make me love you less, don't fear that because I know that fear is there that somehow you'll do or say something and I'll love you less, no my love has no conditions, no strings, my love is free and unconditional, it is pure safe love, a love that frees, receive my love, receive my peace, receive my joy, receive my strength, revel in it my dearest Fi revel in it bathe in it, soak in it, keep looking at that butterfly and remember I will always love you, I promise never to leave you, receive all that I want to give you, I know what you have need of, my love casts out all fear, receive my love into those deep places that feel such shame and rejection, receive my love and acceptance deep where it needs to go, I accept you completely my dearest Fi, completely, yes I completely accept you, you are completely and perfectly loved and accepted, receive that deep inside you, I love you so very, very much and so want you to really realise that you are so very, very precious to me so receive my love, receive my peace, receive my joy, and receive my strength

thank you Jesus I receive your love, I receive your peace, I receive your joy, and I receive your strength, I receive your words of love, I receive your words of acceptance, I receive your words of affirmation and I allow it to go deep Jesus, as deep as it has to go

as long as you need

ok just soaking it in, so much rejection there, hmmm it's good, a love infusion, thank you Jesus for your love and acceptance, I receive it, isn't Jesus just amazing? He has infinite patience

28 May 2009

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