I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 9 August 2009


I've not been able to see the butterfly properly for a few days now, not since I last drew her

her=you, let Jesus give you a fresh vision of the butterfly

yes, she is bigger than I remember her, she has grown since I last saw her

yes see how He continues to cause her to grow with each healing, you were meant to fly in the heavenlies

yes, she doesn't seem quite as fragile

the more healing, the more growth and strength will cause higher flight in the heavenlies, above all that is down here

I was watching her fly and thinking she was flying higher than she was and staying longer at those heights too, not just ducking down and then up again

yes where you were created to be, far above seated with Christ

yes she seems to want to fly closer and closer to the sun

yes because the Son is the light of the world

yes, I need Him to bring warmth to those cold places inside me, and to bring light to those dark places inside

have you gone to the throne room lately?

no, not for while

He is doing that for you

I was reminded by a picture I saw yesterday, reminded me of the marble steps and the angels lining the steps

try to go and spend some time there in your rightful place, get more used to being there, from there you can call down to the places in your life "prepare the way for the LORD"

yep, He said to me it is only a step away from the gardens

yes and where you were created to spend eternity

yes I get so caught up in the pain and the hurt and the memories and the trauma and so on that I forget who I really am, at the same time as I am sitting in the swing in the garden I am also seated in heavenly places with Jesus, and at the same time that I am stuck in the sinking sand of all the hurt and trauma I am also soaring high in the heavenlies as that butterfly

yes and learning to live in the spirit now as He is mending your soul

and staring open mouthed at the translucent rainbow above the throne and at the angels whose only joy is the do the will of their Master

are you feeling invited to go closer to Abba?

standing on the marble steps, staring at the legs and feet of Father God longing one day to crawl up there and be safe on His knee

you can go right now, no need to wait, is He not looking at you with outstretched arms?

yes His arms are reaching down to me

reach to Him

yes His arms are lifting me, all encompassing me, His beloved, His Beloved daughter who longs to feel like a daughter, to feel safe and loved, to know that her daddy is safe and won't hurt her, just longs to know that daddy is safe

He is

His embrace is so soft yet so strong at the same time, I dare to look up into His face and see such kindness there, such kind eyes

so my daughter, you have made it, you have finally come, I have waited a long time for you to come, have so longed for you to come and find that I am safe that I am not stern and out to punish you, my precious daughter, oh how I love you, it is so wonderful that you are here now, you are my daughter and no one will ever be able to take you away from me for ever and ever, you are mine, my door is always open to you my dear one, my arms are always available for a hug, I am welcoming you home to my heart, my dear one, an orphan no more but a daughter, not only a daughter but a princess, but most of all a daughter, a daughter who is so loved and so wanted, you are my precious daughter and I am your daddy, a safe daddy, yes my child a safe daddy, and you are my delightful daughter whose beauty I find breathtaking and who I crafted from nothing for me to love and cherish and care for, that is right, oh how I cherish you my dear one, you are always welcome, always welcome, there is never a moment when I am not watching over you because you mean so very much to me, oh how I have longed to hold you and tell you how much I love you, how cherished you are, how precious you are to me my daughter, let your heart rest from it's labours to be loved and accepted, you are totally loved and accepted by me, and so very wanted, it is ok to be you because you are just so amazing when you are just you, you are no longer an orphan, your heart has found it's home with daddy, I know you will not fear me again and I know that you will come running to me now because you know how loved you are by me, and most of all you know that I am safe, totally safe, you are not alone any more, you have a daddy here who loves you beyond words and you have a home here in my heart, you have come a long way my dear one, there was a time when you could not speak my name, then you could call me papa and then daddy, oh how it filled my heart with joy the first time you called me daddy, I was so thrilled at that, oh I was so thrilled I leapt for joy and danced a wild dance of celebration because it was such a big thing for you to be able to call me daddy, and now you are here sitting on my knee staring in to my eyes, listening to me with rapt attention, trying to take it all in and not miss anything, you know you can come back here any time you need to, I will never turn you away, I will never be too busy for you and I will always want to see you, I will always be delighted to see you because you are my child, my precious daughter and I've always time for you my dear one, the more you come the easier it will get, and one day you will look me in the eyes and say father, my father, but for now daddy is so wonderful because it is such a wonderful and big step for you, I know father is still a scary word and conjures up all sorts of stuff for you, but it is so wonderful to hear you say, papa, daddy, it is so truly wonderful to have you here my beloved daughter, it is such a delight for me to have you here, you give me so much pleasure and delight just by being here and just by being you, my daughter, my precious daughter

my daddy, my wonderful daddy it is so wonderful to hear you call me daughter, it does something so wonderful inside of me to hear you say my beloved daughter, I know I belong when I hear you call me daughter and I so need to belong

yes my daughter, you belong, you really do belong and no one will ever take you away from me, you are my cherished daughter for ever and ever and ever and oh how I cherish you

you are my daddy now and you will always be my daddy for ever and ever, I want you to be my daddy for ever and ever and ever

oh my beloved daughter to hear you say that tells me that you are really feeling safe with me and that is wonderful

yes daddy I am feeling safe with you and wishing I hadn't taken so long to come and find my home in you

oh that doesn't matter now my daughter, you are here now, and that is what matters

mmmmm it is lovely to be here

it is wonderful to hear that sigh of contentment, my love has taken away all your fear and that is wonderful to hear in your voice all that fear is gone

yes it is, wow, it sure is and all that uncertainty is gone too

oh how I love you my daughter, oh I love you, oh how I cherish you, oh how I delight in you, oh how I love you

such kindness, such incredible kindness and gentleness

so you see I am not this aloof figure who is out to trip you up and cane you

yes you are so full of love for me it is overwhelming

you are my beloved daughter, your wandering heart has found its home, to wander no more, your heart that has so longed for love has found a love it could never have imagined, and your heart which has so longed to belong and fit, belongs and fits in a way that can never be taken away from you or destroyed, oh you are healing so well my daughter, you really are doing really well, your daddy is very proud of you precious daughter, daddy is so very, very proud daughter

thank you daddy, just thank you

7 Aug 2009

1 comment:

Damascus Road Ministries said...

The more I read of your times with Daddy the Father I realize that I don't know his Love and because I don't know his true Love that I'm lost.