I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Saturday, 31 October 2009


When I meditated on the word “Guidance”
I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word
I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right
The movement doesn't flow with the music, everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky
When one person realizes that and lets the other lead, both begin to flow with the music
One gives gentle cues, a nudge to the back or pressing lightly in one direction or another
It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully
The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness
From one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other
My eyes drew back to the word “Guidance”
When I saw "G” I thought of God, followed by "u" and "i"
"God, "u" and "i" dance
God, you, and I dance
Once again I became willing to trust I would get guidance about my life
Once again, I became willing to let God lead
My prayer for you today is that God's blessings and mercies are upon you
On this day and everyday
May you abide in God, as God abides in you
Dance together with God, trusting God to lead and to guide you
Through each season of your life
And keep dancing!!!

Saturday, 24 October 2009



If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring, and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.
He could live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

What about the Christmas gift He sent you in Bethlehem ;
not to mention that Friday at Calvary .
Face it, He's crazy about you.

Wednesday, 21 October 2009


Since Jesus last spoke into my pain and said to me “I am with you” He began to say “Beloved, I Am is with you”. He has spoken those words many times in many contexts and I sense that there are many layers to “I Am is with you”. At its most basic but also most profound “I Am” is the always present companion who always has been and always will be. Jesus is “I Am”, not I was, or I may be or I will be, but I Am. The presence of “I Am” in my life brings stability where there would otherwise be none, and wow, what a difference that makes to me.

During the last few weeks I’ve been going through real tough times, relationships important to me have been messed up causing me a lot of confusion and uncertainty. To be honest I don’t quite know how it all happened. All I do know is that for once, I was not the cause. Sometimes we’re not allowed to see what is going on in other people’s lives to understand what is happening and that was the case here. The only thing I could do was to hold on to Jesus tenaciously and weather the storm. For a few days I shut down because of the pain. When I realised I had shut down I asked Jesus to gently prise me back open so I could receive from Him. That is the first time I’ve ever done that, so just in responding to shutting down in that way shows progress has been made. Several days followed when I could not speak to Jesus because of the total confusion there was in my mind and my emotions. Jesus was there with me in that dark confusion and He understood totally. Eventually I was finally able to let Jesus speak in to that confusion, and to hear His comfort and receive all He had to say. This is how He brought me out of that place:-

Jesus says that He understands utterly and knows all about the confusion and jumbled thoughts and feelings, He knows how angry and hurt I’m feeling and He’s never left me, He’s been there all the time even when it all felt so dark, He was there in the darkness, He loves me dearly and wants me to know that He loves me even when I am confused and hurt and don't know what to say, He knows I've been thinking about Him a lot and crying out to Him in my thoughts, He’s heard every cry to Him and He is giving me His peace to help make that confusion and turmoil go away, He says He thinks I've been doing real good and He is proud of me, I'm His little girl and He’s been hurting because His little girl has been hurting, He will make it all alright, He's saying look up and look around
I've been sitting here just looking down wrapped in my thoughts, I look up to find myself looking straight into His eyes that are smiling at me, He is kneeling in front of me and saying how precious I am to Him and it is going to be ok, He has a butterfly on the end of His finger, it is the most beautiful butterfly and He just says watch her, I am watching her flying up to the sun and my heart is flying there with her, she is so free and so beautiful, I wish I could feel so free inside
He just said you will, you will one day
I somehow feel freer just watching her
He says when bad things happen it’s so easy to get locked into what happened and all the bad feelings but there is a bigger picture and He’s so proud of me that I didn't completely shut down because that enabled Him to start working on getting His peace in place and He is gradually building in more and more peace till all the confusion and turmoil goes, He says I done well
Well, if Jesus says it'll be okay then it’ll be okay
Jesus wants to give me more of His peace and assure me of His presence with me, that He has not left me and never will and that He is at work in the background working things out, He is not angry with me or disappointed with me, no, no, He takes great delight in me, His beloved, He understands me through and through and knows how I respond to things and why and He is working on changing how I respond to things, every time something happens it is an opportunity for Him to work on my responses and to show me His presence with me, He just loves pouring out His love on me, He loves every opportunity that comes along to just pour out His love and acceptance on me, I am totally loved and accepted by Him whatever happens that doesn't change and that's what He wants me to grasp hold of today, I can be secure in that, I am more secure in that that I was, He is saying, I have begun to grasp it and He wants that grasp to go a little deeper today, I can be secure in that, I am more secure in that that I was, He is saying, I have begun to grasp it and He wants that grasp to go a little deeper today, He is saying you have come further than you think you have.

I then came across the following passage:- “There are so many unknowns and much mystery. If you do not walk by faith, you will fail. But with your faith, which I have amply supplied, you will achieve the impossible. The complexity is too great. If ever there was a time for boldness and confidence, this is it. Find MY presence and live in it. It is all you need and you already have it by faith. Just walk in it. I want you seeing this from MY point of view. I am seated high above and can see both sides clearly. I can see all hearts and intentions. LOOK AGAIN FROM WHERE I AM. You have been looking at the problem through eyes that meet only your own purposes. Look again from where I am. Go beyond yourself. Meet the situation more than half way. MY way is to go the extra mile. MY way is to heap blessings on those who are offended. They will be so surprised when you do. In the long run you will come out of the problem with much more than you put in. I love you. Walk the high road. “

20 Oct 2009