I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Wednesday, 16 December 2009


Faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty.
Faith is not necessary when you know how
Things are going to work out - that's knowledge
It's in the time of unknowing that having faith
Is what sees you through to the other side
Faith is what gives you strength
Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining
Even when it's all darkness outside
Now is the time to keep that faith alive!


I know I need YOU
I need to love YOU
I love to see YOU, but it's been so long
I long to feel YOU
I feel this need for YOU
And I need to hear YOU, is that so wrong?

Now You pull me near YOU
When we're close, I fear YOU
Still I'm afraid to tell YOU, all that I've done
Are YOU done forgiving?
Oh can YOU look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

I hear YOU say
"MY love is over. It's underneath
It's inside. It's in between
The times you doubt ME, when you can't feel
The times that you question, 'Is this for real?'
The times you're broken
The times that you mend
The times that you hate ME, and the times that you bend
Well, MY love is over, it's underneath
It's inside, it's in between
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace
The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm
MY love I will keep you, by MY power alone
I don't care where you fall, where you have been
I'll never forsake you, MY love never ends
It never ends"

Tenth Avenue North

Tuesday, 15 December 2009


I came across this in a meditation today which so encouraged me, I hear His heart of love and understanding and it is so precious:-

I want you to know you are doing well. You are walking by MY Spirit most all of the time. Nevertheless you are aware that you have some rebellion within. This awareness is good, but you don't realize rebellion's damage. Awareness is the first step. I know you want to follow ME in purity. I love you for that. I see your purity through the life of MY son. With no condemnation I also see spots of darkness. I am forming you into MY Son's image. Sometimes this is hard for you. But we both know this is when you are the happiest. Precious one, turn to ME for your growth


Jeremiah 29:11 - "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

During the last 20 years that verse from Jeremiah has kept cropping up in my life and I have said yeah, yeah and not really, really believed that those words could possibly be for me. It is only in recent weeks that I’ve realised that what I have in Jesus now is very, very precious and that I do have a hope and a future I could never have imagined possible.

Then this morning I came across the following in an article sent to me in an email. This article by Vince Gibson, brought the scripture back to the forefront of my mind today and caused me to ponder it anew. And YES, I REALISED THAT I AM BEGINNING TO WALK IN THE MANIFESTATION OF THAT PROMISE FOR ME IN JEREMIAH.

The article was so good I had to include this excerpt from it. I hope you are as blessed and encouraged by this as I was.

“As I looked into His eyes, I could tell He was up to something. Immediately, HE held out HIS hands and in them HE had two blocks. On one block was written ‘HOPE’ and on the other ‘FUTURE’. I stood up to take them, but instead of taking them HE shoved them straight into my chest. I knew at that instant I would be able to discern the mysteries of my hope and future.

My first instinct was to search inside to see the details. I had such excitement that my destiny would finally be revealed and my future laid out in full detail before me. As my eyes focused on the two blocks, the words "hope" and "future" had been replaced by only one name: "Jesus." There were no details at all, no plans for world domination, no formula to take the globe, no step-by-step programs — only His name.

I looked up and HE spoke.

“I have the details and I will reveal them when I am ready; for now I am all you need, I am your hope and your future! I am the rhythm of life, I am the next note, I am the next unknown which I already know, I am the next breath which I have already taken. I hold all the wisdom from the age past, the age present, and the age to come”

We get so wrapped up in the details; I know how important plans and details are. They are needed, but many times "the details" become the focus. Honestly, HE is the only detail that matters! In Proverbs 16:9 it states, "A man's mind plans his way but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure."

Seek HIM first in everything we do and HE will reveal and add everything else later. We strive so hard for the details when all we have to do is be in the secret place with no agenda except to love on HIM, and out of that — the hope and the future appear. Remember that HE taught and revealed those details to the ones that climbed the mountain with Him. This "climb" will take work and sacrifice on our part.
YES, HE knows the plans HE has for you, not to harm you, but to give you a hope and a future!”

Vince Gibson The Habitation and Abiding Glory Ministries

Saturday, 12 December 2009


Some things are confusing, confused means to be disturbed in mind or purpose

You have too many things going on in your mind all at once

You must limit the voices to which you listen, choose those which are up building and full of MY truth and then listen to them, listen for things positive and entertain them, negative thoughts and words seldom benefit you

Knowledge that leads you to MY truth is good

Stay on that path and confusion will be dissipated

Choose clarity

Thursday, 10 December 2009

Jesus is Healing Our Past and Setting Up Our Future

The following was sent to me in an email and it was so good I felt I just had to share it here.

Back to the Future: Jesus is Healing Our Past and Setting Up Our Future

"I have found myself charged by the Lord as of late to call the Church into a place of hope, identity, and breakthrough. Many in the Body are dealing with great grief, and are looking to their past and letting hurts, failures, and mistakes determine where they go in their future. God is committed to us coming into a place where we align ourselves with our true identities as children of God. God desires to give us good gifts, to bless us, and to give us a future. God wants us to be healed from our painful history and to find our identity in Jesus. "The issues" that make up who we are and how we live are found in "how we relate to our past and what we think of Jesus." Finding the grace in God to overcome your past is the key to what will unlock our hearts to move forward and into 2010—with wholeness.

The Holy Spirit will reveal to us the places where we are held captive by bitterness, anger, and shame.

Our identity must first be established in our relationship with God or in intimacy with God. Our relationship with God is grounded as we encounter His thoughts and affections toward us. You have to know that your current circumstances are not punishment for some way you have failed God. If we have a confident relationship with Papa, we will not be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but instead we will overcome the negative aspects of our history and start to walk in confidence and purpose. If we agree with Heaven and literally start speaking the biblical truth of who we are before God, we will begin to soften and become accessible for healing.

A Vision of Healing the Past

The Holy Spirit walked me through a vision, where I saw a large group of people lined up in front of me, and showed me how He literally went into each person's past. In one instance the Holy Spirit went in through the eyes of a woman in front of me, and He took me to this woman's bedroom when she was a child. She was lying on her side, crying in bed, and I watched as Holy Spirit started to cup His hands around her feet and breathed into His hands. This little girl started to slowly light up with a warm glow as if light was coming from inside of her and glowing through her skin. I was then pulled back in front of this grown woman, tears were rolling down her face as she said, "I forgive you, dad." The Holy Spirit had literally gone back in time to when she was an abused little girl, and He healed that place in her heart.

This was what was taking place with everyone in line. They were all allowing the Holy Spirit to go deep into their pain, hurts, and disappointments to heal them. God then said, "I am literally going back in time for the sake of your future."
Everyone in this line had luggage in their hands, and now at the front of the line was an airplane. Written on the side of the airplane was the phrase, "Acceleration to 2010," and I heard a voice in Heaven say, "If you're boarding the promises of God, you have to check your baggage." The luggage was too big and heavy to take on board this airplane of acceleration and had to be handed over to Jesus before boarding. As people chose to hand the luggage over to Jesus, He took their baggage from them.

We need to let go of the baggage in our lives and move forward with Him. God is dedicated to us going into our future—healed up and restored. We have so many wonderful things in our future as we grow in Christ Jesus, and our heart responses to situations that have hurt us are vital in our journey. Let's choose to be brave and allow the Holy Spirit to go into our past so we can be made whole and released into our future! Make a decision today to not hold captive those past wounds and failures, but to trust Jesus with our past, present, and future. Today the Father wants us to choose to forgive.

Declarative Prayer: Father, we trust YOU and give YOU permission to go into the deep places of our history and do a work of healing. Jesus, we forgive those who may have hurt us out of ignorance or even malice and we choose to give them to YOU.

I want you the reader to literally say, "Jesus, I give YOU 'person's name' and everything that this person did to me, Lord please forgive them." We invite YOU, Holy Spirit, to even now begin a work in our own hearts toward daily forgiveness. We choose to let these past hurts go for the sake of our future, in Jesus name, Amen.

Luke Holter, Prophetic Sheep Ministries


I want to speak some things to you today, you will hear ME, why? I count you as MY sheep, MY sheep hear MY voice, period, no ifs, buts or ands about it

Now listen to ME, nothing can ever take you away from the Father, whether you believe it or not, you are eternally secure in ME if you have indeed been born from above and have become MY new creation

Put your mind at ease and make yourself sure, the Father will never reject you, you are MINE forever, no circumstance or enemy can ever snatch you out of MY hand

Let's get started! Draw close to ME and listen to the wind, the birds and the heavens

Ask ME questions and watch and listen to how creatively I will speak to you, my sheep

Monday, 7 December 2009


God did a huge work of healing in me as I slept last night.

What happened was that I had a very vivid dream. I dreamed that I was back at school miscarrying the baby that I called Phil when Jesus brought the babies into my flat for me to hold and name a few months ago. Up until now I’ve felt a lot of trauma over that miscarriage and I vividly remember how scared and alone I felt when I found myself bleeding and couldn’t tell anyone.

In the dream I saw the 13-year old me go into the toilet cubicle and then I became the 13-year old me there. I was already bleeding before I went into the cubicle and I didn’t know what to do except to go hide in the toilet till I stopped bleeding. I was really scared and didn’t really know what was happening. I saw angels there and Jesus too. I watched Him reach into the toilet bowl and rescue the remains of what I had miscarried. And I just knew that the angels were there to minister to me.

For a long, long time I’ve had a feeling of enormous trauma and grief over what happened that day. When I woke up I was able to think about it without that trauma and grief and I have a real sense of closure, not just of this occasion but of all the miscarriages I had. And it is an amazing feeling too, like something has released off of me.

I am amazed, no astounded, at the depth of healing that God did during my sleep!

7 Dec 2009


I knew you before time began. I know how many hairs are on your head. Like parent, like child, you’re created in MY image. I have plans for you and have given you the gifts needed to fulfil them. What I give, nobody can take away. Rest assured, I’ve started a good work in you and I’m going to finish it. I always complete what I begin. MY word concerning you is forever settled and MY commitment to you is unending.

In this life you’ll have challenges but cheer up, I’ve robbed satan of all his power to control you and the world of its power to destroy you. Remember, I’m ever present to help. Give me your burdens and I’ll sustain you. Lean on me, I’ll be your rock, your fortress, your deliverer and your strength. Even though you fail from time to time, you won’t be discarded because I am upholding you.

A word of caution – don’t take advice from those who are spiritually blind and don’t hang out with sceptics. Delight yourself in MY word and, like a big oak tree growing by a river, you’ll prosper in all you do.

PS I’d love to hear back from you

1 John 4: 16
“We have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, he who abides in love abides in God and God in him”

Reproduced from UCB “Word for Today”

3 Dec 2009

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Be Who You Are and Never Give Up On MY Promises

I came across the following quote in a devotion that I have delivered to my inbox daily. I so heard the heart of my Daddy in it that I just had to share it. It also confirmed many things that God has said to me over the last few months. I love the way HE speaks in such a clearly affirming way. HE knows I need to keep hearing that I am the apple of HIS eye and precious to HIM. The more I hear it the more I begin to believe it and the truth of that sinks a little further in and brings another layer of healing and security. Most important of all is that HE is HIS word and cannot lie, HIS word is truth. Having been exposed to so many lies throughout my life I’ve always found it difficult to distinguish truth from lie. There has been such a work of healing in my life that I am finally able to take God at HIS word and trust HIM to speak truth to me. In this quote HE reaffirms the truth of HIS word and that it can be relied upon completely. HE always knows what needs to be said and how and the right timing for it too.

Be who you are. It is good enough. The enemy of your soul has been lying to you again, telling you false information about who you are. He says you are just a fallen earthbound being, worth nothing but death and destruction. He says you are a loser with no hope whatsoever. His arguments are convincing and so very easy to believe. But faith in the one true God comes along and shows you HIS word of truth about you. You are magnificent, marvellous and made in the image of your Maker. You are just like HIM, righteous, glorious, victorious and full of love and grace. This God can neither lie nor can HE break the promises of HIS Scripture.
Never, never, never, give up on the promise I made to you. Yes it is all right to ask ME about it. I know this is not doubt from you. I understand your heart, and you just want to be sure you heard ME correctly. Yes you were and are accurate in your hearing, but the promise will not manifest the way you now think it will. I update your understanding as you continue to believe and as time passes, but nevertheless it will come to pass as I have said. MY promises are always better in the long run than you have imagined. You are the apple of MY eye

2 Corinthians 1:20-22 “For as many as are the promises of God, in Him they are yes; therefore also through Him is our Amen to the glory of God through us. Now He who establishes us with you in Christ and anointed us in God, who also sealed us and gave us the Spirit in our hearts as a pledge"

Wednesday, 2 December 2009


You are my Beloved, you are beautiful to me and I am very proud of you, you are doing really well, you are doing fantastically well, you're doing just great, in fact you're doing just fine, you are precious to me and I am building you up and filling you with my thoughts about you, I always think good things about you, so I want you to try to think more good things about you than bad till you start thinking good things about you much more than bad, your mind is being renewed little by little, you are so precious to me my Beloved, so very precious, words cannot describe how precious you are to me, feel that pride in my heart for you, feel that joy I feel in my heart for you, believe me when I say I think only good things about you, for it is truth, you are my precious treasure and I am really pleased with you, I am really, really pleased with you, I am delighted with you, I truly am delighted with you, you bring me enormous pleasure every moment of every day, I know you get bogged down with the hurt and the memories, allow my words to soak in deep, begin to really believe that this is how I see you, for it truly is, when you get bogged down think of me and remember how much I joy over you and how precious you are to me and how I dance with joy when I think of you and remember I am very pleased with you, so very, very pleased with you and remind yourself that I think only good things about you and my words to you are always positive and affirming, any other words in your head are not from me so discard them and pay attention to the positive ones and then you will find you are thinking good thoughts about yourself and then you will find that you are beginning to believe those good thoughts and remember, you are doing really well, you’re doing great, you're a winner in my eyes

1 Dec 2009