I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

You Are The One In Whom I Delight

I read the following in a devotional email this morning, and it just touched and encouraged me so much I had to share it.

“The Lord says, take time to delight yourself in ME. Remember the good blessings I have brought to you. Bring to mind the times I have saved you from harm. You certainly recall MY forgiveness and grace upon grace? I tell you, let your heart overflow with thanksgiving and praise. I delight in those who delight in ME. You bring a smile to MY face even when thinking of your name. Last night I sang over you as you slept. MY angels were on duty and positioned to bind the devil from you and to loose the Holy Spirit to empower, lead and direct you. You are the one in whom I delight. Never doubt.

You feel like I am far away. You wonder if I care you are hurting. How you feel and what the truth is, are two different things. No matter how you feel, talk to ME. Get beyond your emotions. Act like you believe. Your actions will propel you beyond your emotions. I know everything going on in your life, and also in the lives of the others you are relating to. I am here, I care, and I can handle your situation. Continue acting in obedience and your emotions will line up with your actions. You will see MY power, MY nearness, MY care for you.

Many are being blessed by you, and you have no idea how much it is happening. You are living your life before people with simplicity, joy and obedience, with no thought of being observed by anyone. But you are being watched and this is very good, because you are a good disciple and many are learning. You know you aren't perfect and freely share your shortcomings.

I am always with you but you are not always aware of it, because you get caught up in what is happening around you. You can know about MY presence with your mind, but not really know with a knowing that produces results. It is through revelation that MY presence manifests. I know and work in your heart, with your trust, with your passion. These things go beyond your mind. Your mind knows about ME. Your heart trusts in ME. I have given you a new heart not one of stone but one of flesh, one which easily receives MY ways. Don't remain in your mind, receive with your heart. Keep your mind and emotions on ME and the freedom I have given you. Be consumed with ME.

There is no room in your life for fear. No one has ever been more secure and protected than you. MY eternal covenant extended to you and your rebirth puts all MY power at your disposal. Your enemies have become MY enemies, your battles MY battles. Why then should you ever worry about your circumstances? Most of the battles going on are beyond your seeing because I am working in realms supernatural that you are only beginning to see and enter. That is where the battles reside for the most part, beyond your, soulish, fleshly senses.

I am at peace so that you can be at peace. You are not to worry about your enemies. They belong to ME. I will do with them as I please and make a spectacle of them as I bring MY judgement upon them. I am not far away in your time of trouble. Draw near to ME and receive my counsel in your ear and in your spirit. You are learning so fast the ways of the Lord. This means quick success and victories when the battles come and come they will. Be not discouraged nor down hearted. I am on your side.”

Thursday, 14 January 2010


The unique wisdom of God is that holy angels are assigned to His people, and while angels have limited authority, God's people do not. And though we are limited in our bodies, God's angels are not. Thus God's people and HIS angels work together to perform HIS will in Heaven and earth through vigilant prayer and faithful obedience. There are more that are with us than there are against us. We can trust that, in the keeping of HIS word, the Lord is keeping vigil with us around the world, including sending HIS angels to deliver innocents from the plots of wicked men

I read the above paragraph in an article earlier today and thought it was really good, and that prompted me to write this and include some scriptures. I have been very blessed and encouraged to see angels with my physical and spiritual eyes. As well as having seen angels in visions of the throne room and other throne room encounters. For many years I sensed angels, long before I ever saw one. My focus is upon Jesus and HE alone but I’ve been very blessed and encouraged by the ministry of angels along the way. I am a long way from really understanding the roles they play in our lives. There were times in the life of Jesus on this earth that angels were sent to HIM to minister to HIM, strengthen HIM and encourage HIM. If Jesus needed the ministry of angels, then even more so do we. There are warrior angels who war on our behalf as well as angels who guard and protect us, and of course ministering and healing angels. But I am sure that this is just a tiny understanding of their many roles. There is another angel I have seen which I call “the drawing angel”, HE has appeared at times of deep healing and deliverance breakthroughs with an easel, drawing a living portrait. I suppose HE could also be called a record keeping angel. I’ve heard of angels being seen in meetings assisting with healing, taking a record of what is being said and many other similar anecdotal accounts. Scripture tells us that angels catch our every tear and bottle them.

Psalm 68:17

The chariots of God are twenty thousand, even thousands upon thousands of angels: the Lord is among them, as HE was in Sinai, in the Holy Place

Psalm 103:20, 21

Bless the LORD, you HIS angels that excel in strength, that mighty ones who do HIS commandments, hearkening to the voice of HIS word. Bless the LORD, all ye His hosts; you HIS ministers that do HIS pleasure

Psalm 104:1-4
Bless the LORD who makes the clouds His chariot: who walks upon the wings of the wind: who makes winds HIS messengers [angels], flames of fire HIS ministers

Psalm 34:7

The angel of the Lord encamps round around them that fear HIM, and delivers them

Psalm 33:9-11

HE spoke and it was done, the Lord foils the plans of the nations; HE makes the thoughts and plans purposes of the peoples no effect. But the counsel [plans] of the Lord stand firm forever, the thoughts of HIS heart through all generations

Psalm 91:11-12

HE will give HIS angels especial charge over you to accompany, defend and preserve you in all your ways . . . they shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone

Matthew 26:53
Do you suppose that I cannot appeal to MY Father and HE will immediately provide ME with more than twelve legions (more than 80,000) of angels

Saturday, 9 January 2010


Last night Jesus took me back to the day that my parents disowned me and left me for dead in the snow.

He walked me through the events of the day and showed me where He was in it all and how He protected me and kept me alive. He helped me understand some of the dynamics of what happened that day and negated all the lies and curses that had been spoken over me that day.

This all took a good 2-3 hours.

At the end of it I was able hand over to Him all the hurt and trauma of that day’s events.

After that I went to bed and throughout the night I seemed to dream about snakes. I had many dreams of many places that I didn’t recognise but the same theme in each dream, snakes of many shapes, sizes, colours and types. This thoroughly disturbed me, so I said to Jesus why did I dream all those dreams about snakes? It really disturbed me.

His response was don’t be disturbed because none of those snakes was alive. Did you not notice that they were all lifeless and inert and had no heads?

I stopped and thought back and realised that, yes, that was the case. So my next question was so what did it all mean then?

He said that before last night’s healing those snakes had been alive and well. Some had been spitting out venomous lies to me that I’d believed about myself without really questioning. Other snakes had been wrapped around me in various places squeezing the very life out of me. Finally, other snakes had been biting me and injecting their venom direct into my blood stream, constantly reminding me of terrible curses spoken against me by my mother, which had gone very deep into my consciousness and caused immense trauma to me deep inside.

By allowing Jesus to walk me through that day’s events and then handing over the hurt and trauma to Him cut off the heads of all the snakes and killed them all.

He allowed those dreams because He wanted me to see just how many snakes there had been and how powerful the work I did with Him last night actually was.

9th January 2009


This Christmas I travelled as usual with Travelsphere to Switzerland via the Christmas markets in France again. And it was an amazing time, my travelling companions on the coach were all very sociable, friendly and welcoming and it made for a fantastic holiday. On reflection I noticed several things about myself too and realised just how much I have grown and healed during the past year.

Socially I was a little more at ease. Although I still preferred the company of females, I got on well with the males on the tour and didn't see them as a threat to me, which really was something. I communicated on a level with them rather than feeling inferior and threatened. I think that is really amazing!! In the past I’ve communicated from a place of feeling really small and have stuttered and stammered my way through communicating, and have often felt like a very frightened little child.

I still mainly kept myself to myself socially but when I had to, during the evening meals in particular, I wasn't coming from a place of feeling small but from a place of knowing my value as a person and of having something of value to add to things. I used to feel really small and inferior all the time but don't quite so much now.

Also I certainly noticed my confidence in speaking both French and German was much greater, and I took more risks in communicating in those languages like I haven’t before.

I noticed that the little thing of having a camera in my hand to give me something to do in social situations kept me calm and focused.

I decided that it is ok to have ploys like that to keep me confident and calm in social situations where I naturally feel ill at ease.

My confidence has certainly grown and I found myself dealing with my travelling companions as equals, rather than as people to fear or be suspicious off or feel inferior towards.

So all in all I think I all these things are signs that I’ve come a long way and that major healing has taken place.

9th January 2009