I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Saturday, 9 January 2010


This Christmas I travelled as usual with Travelsphere to Switzerland via the Christmas markets in France again. And it was an amazing time, my travelling companions on the coach were all very sociable, friendly and welcoming and it made for a fantastic holiday. On reflection I noticed several things about myself too and realised just how much I have grown and healed during the past year.

Socially I was a little more at ease. Although I still preferred the company of females, I got on well with the males on the tour and didn't see them as a threat to me, which really was something. I communicated on a level with them rather than feeling inferior and threatened. I think that is really amazing!! In the past I’ve communicated from a place of feeling really small and have stuttered and stammered my way through communicating, and have often felt like a very frightened little child.

I still mainly kept myself to myself socially but when I had to, during the evening meals in particular, I wasn't coming from a place of feeling small but from a place of knowing my value as a person and of having something of value to add to things. I used to feel really small and inferior all the time but don't quite so much now.

Also I certainly noticed my confidence in speaking both French and German was much greater, and I took more risks in communicating in those languages like I haven’t before.

I noticed that the little thing of having a camera in my hand to give me something to do in social situations kept me calm and focused.

I decided that it is ok to have ploys like that to keep me confident and calm in social situations where I naturally feel ill at ease.

My confidence has certainly grown and I found myself dealing with my travelling companions as equals, rather than as people to fear or be suspicious off or feel inferior towards.

So all in all I think I all these things are signs that I’ve come a long way and that major healing has taken place.

9th January 2009

No comments: