I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Thursday, 25 February 2010

Shame Requires You To Keep Quiet

Shame requires you to keep quiet to protect itself and keep itself hidden. Transparency exposes shame and starts the healing process.

I saw a friend on facebook post this comment earlier today and thought wow it just says it all!!!

The vows of silence I took – many I made to myself, others forced on me by my parents and other abusers, go so deep and it is extremely hard and painful to break those vows, they kept terrible, terrible acts secret and hidden, it is excruciatingly difficult to break my silence.

I am so glad that I began this journey no matter how painful or difficult it is, it does feel good to be exposing the shameful secrets and finding it removes the shame and brings peace to areas which have always only be tormented.

As I began my healing journey it was very hard to open up and I had to determine and work really hard to stay open and not close up again. But by writing about what happened to me and the healing processes involved I’m being transparent and enabling healing to happen, bringing out into the open what had previously been hidden and shameful and transforming everything in the process!!

25 Feb 2010

Wednesday, 24 February 2010


The last few months have seen enormous changes in my life. I’ve had enormous healing in my life, mind and emotions and now have peace and stability deep inside that I would never have dreamed of or hoped for. I also have a trust and relationship with Jesus and Daddy God that I could not have believed possible.

The hardest thing to deal with over the past few months is the emergence of my “alters” whom I now call “the little ones” because that seems much warmer and less clinical. I'm really struggling with the existence of all the little ones. Once they started coming to the surface it was wham bam, one after another, after another, after another till we had a list of 278 names, which really shocked me. It is no surprise that in order to deal with the sustained abuse, torture and trauma I endured over 20 years that my mind split off into many parts. This is otherwise known as Disassociate Identity Disorder (DID), previously called Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). Deep down in me there is shame in me that I have DID and I am finding it really hard to write about, but I know that writing about it will ultimately help me. There is also shock that there are so many little ones. They range from being mere babes in arms to stroppy teenagers and there are many male ones as well as female ones. They have their own names, identities, personalities, memories and emotions.

As they began to come to the surface they brought memories with them, memories which had long been buried. They showed me in picture form what had happened and the event that caused the split. The horror that was revealed just seemed to pile on and on till it seemed that there was just no end to the horror and the trauma. I knew that the horror and trauma had to be there because I had so few memories of the first twenty years of my life and remembered only a tiny part of some of the violence from my parents. What I remembered was just a very tiny tip of an iceberg that just got bigger and bigger till it was impossible to see where the iceberg began and ended. It was very hard talking about things of which I’d no previous memory. It was virtually impossible to find words for things that to be honest any words I found were woefully inadequate for what I was seeing and remembering. And there are things that I just haven’t found the words for and have not shared because they are just too horrific and too shameful.

As each little one came to the surface I was encouraged by the person helping me to invite Jesus in to the situation and to encourage the little ones to talk to Jesus about what they were thinking, feeling and remembering. I love the way that Jesus dealt so tenderly which each one of them and gave time for them to speak of the horrible things that happened to them and helped each of them to trust Him. He dealt with some as individuals and others in small groups, but whichever way He chose, each little one was enabled to trust and was helped. Jesus created a huge garden for them so they had a safe place to be at last and provided many angels within that garden to protect and look after them. That garden exists in my heart and I am able to see it and visit it and see the little ones.

But I have so many questions too. For instance, how could all those little ones exist without me not knowing about it all those years? Now that they're all safe in the garden with Jesus and the angels that should be the end of it shouldn't it? But no Jesus says, there is more to do, creating the garden is only the beginning. HE wants me to accept them, to care about them and pray for them and to connect with them. Ultimately HE wants me whole and that means integration. That is kind of blowing my mind - to integrate with all of them? How on earth could that happen?

But to be honest I don't want all these little ones around me and don't know what to do with them all. I've always had a problem with the male ones anyway. I find it very difficult to interact with the male little ones just as I find it difficult to interact with males as an adult. But when I have gone to the garden and interacted with whichever one Jesus wants me to interact with, however gingerly and haltingly, it has blessed me and helped them and pleased Jesus.

But I don't really know how to interact with them or particularly want to or know where to start to be honest. And it seems not very nice to say that but that's where I'm at.

24 Feb 2010


Every year I have a danger time between late October and late February/early March. In January I invariably find I go down with something which resists all attempts at treatment and completely knocks me sideways and usually I just shut down and go into survival mode just to get through. This year found me no different, really poorly with an infection that refused all attempts at treatment. However this year was just a little bit different in that after all the healing of the last few months shutting down into survival mode is no longer my natural instinct.

Instead there has been an instinct to fight all attempts to go into survival mode, to take note of all that has been happening and ask some really deep questions about what was going on. It is amazing that I’ve been asking questions about what’s going on because asking questions as a child was rewarded with, at best, punishment beatings, so I don’t ask questions. It shows just how far I’ve come that I’m asking questions now. I am just dwelling on that a little because it is a huge step, even leap, forward that I am asking questions now - asking questions of myself and asking questions of God too. Wow, wow wow!!!

As I’ve asked questions I’ve been surprised, sometimes stunned by the answers.

First off why is it that every January I am invariably ill? As I asked the question I was reminded that late October is when my father’s birthday is. Early November, my brother has his birthday. My grandfather died early November and my grandmother died during the run up Christmas at the hands of Harold Shipman. Although I do not actively remember these things they are passively there in my memory. I remembered also the many Christmasses when we’d go to church in the morning, then come home and I’d be shown the door and spend the rest of the day roaming the streets looking in at other people’s Christmasses, wondering what I’d done so wrong to be so excluded year after year. Although now I have transformed Christmas for myself by going away on coach holidays the memory of those many miserable Christmasses roaming the cold streets alone is woven into the fabric of my being and so there is always a reaction to Christmas, even though my Christmasses now are happier than I could ever have imagined possible, the memories are there in my body long after the mental memories had been recognised, remembered and healed.

Secondly as I said yes ok, I can understand that but why is it that the month of January is such a danger time for me, surely there is more to it than that. The answer came back to me in two bits.

First off remember how between Christmas and New Year in 1977 into 1978 your mother stopped the nightly rapes of you by your father and blamed you and when on to instigate the kangaroo courts and ritualistic beatings in the living room? Although I had dealt with the memories of that night when my mother came into my bedroom and pulled my father off of me and told me to stop sniffling and go to sleep, my body retained the memories and the deep shock and shame of that. That shame and hurt went very deep into my being. Secondly remember that last January in 1986 which culminated in you being disowned and left for dead in the snow by your parents. As I thought back memories of the deep traumas of that month when I could have been killed by them many times came to the surface.

As these answers came flooding to me there came a realisation of how shock, deep repeated trauma and horror over those twenty years had gotten woven into the very fabric of my being. There is the mental memory but also physical memories too. These physical memories are different to body memories that I’ve dealt with along the way. Body memories I’ve dealt with include the physical feeling of my wrists and ankles being bound that I’ve had to ask Jesus to unbind and heal. This takes body memories to a much deeper level. There is something about sustained terror and trauma which seems to actually change your body’s make up just as the pathways in your brain get changed by trauma and need healing and re wiring. Re wiring my brain was one thing that Jesus told me He had to do as part of my healing.

The question for me now is can anything be done about this or is this the way things are just going to be. In other words as my body remembers in ways that to be honest boggle my mind, is it possible to alter or reverse these responses in my body as it remembers. Is it possible to stop my body remembering? Is the period of time from late October to late February/early March, with late December and January being the most critical time, always going to be a danger time for me?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, but just the exploration of this issue helps me cope with the physical stuff I’m experiencing and gives me hope that maybe things could change, maybe there are answer that I just haven’t had to all this yet.

Jan/Feb 2010

Saturday, 13 February 2010

God has an important purpose for you

On this day, God wants you to know that God has an important purpose for you, and made everything possible for you to succeed. That's not to say it's an easy purpose, or a convenient one. It might very well seem hard or even impossible, but it only looks that way. The truth is that one day you will look back and see how all the pieces fit together. And how your life has been a complete and utter success.

My Child Don't Be Afraid

A friend sent this to me at the beginning of January, it has taken all this time for me to be able to read it and take it in.

My child, don’t be afraid. YOU do not need to fear. I am your Father! I have always helped you. I have the best of interest for you. So do not be afraid. The door is closed to the darkness. As I have often said. The door is closed. You are MY child. I love you. I love you so. More than you realize. So much more than you know. So have no fear for tomorrow. Do not fear the darkness. I am your God. I am your Father. I am your Lord. I hold you in MY arms. You are so loved. I hold you so tightly in MY arms. You don’t have to fear that you will fall. You are contained in ME. Your future is in ME; in MY love; in MY hands; in MY greatness. You are MINE. You are MY child; of nobody else.
You have often noticed that I was there when you were afraid. I've shown many times how great I am. How good I am. How much I love you. Do not think that I will let fall. You will not fall. You will grow in ME, in MY love and goodness.
You'll learn how faithful I am. What great I am. How good I am. You are MY beloved child, the beloved of MY heart. I want you. I've provided. I have a PLAN for your life. Do not think you are here not intended. I've provided my child. I have called you to speak MY words, and you shall speak MY words!!!! I have called you to be MY INSTRUMENT, MY beloved. The radius of MY love shines upon you. I have so much love for you. I have you stowed in ME. Do not think I will drop you. Do not think I will leave you. I will not let you down. I will never leave you. I hold you in MY hands of love, loyalty, care and kindness. Do you think that I am not here for you? I AM ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU! ALWAYS every day, every second I’m there to help you. I speak to you and you see that I am your God, your beloved father, your dear Lord, your great God.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 12:2 Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; HE has become my salvation