The last few months have seen enormous changes in my life. I’ve had enormous healing in my life, mind and emotions and now have peace and stability deep inside that I would never have dreamed of or hoped for. I also have a trust and relationship with Jesus and Daddy God that I could not have believed possible.
The hardest thing to deal with over the past few months is the emergence of my “alters” whom I now call “the little ones” because that seems much warmer and less clinical. I'm really struggling with the existence of all the little ones. Once they started coming to the surface it was wham bam, one after another, after another, after another till we had a list of 278 names, which really shocked me. It is no surprise that in order to deal with the sustained abuse, torture and trauma I endured over 20 years that my mind split off into many parts. This is otherwise known as Disassociate Identity Disorder (DID), previously called Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). Deep down in me there is shame in me that I have DID and I am finding it really hard to write about, but I know that writing about it will ultimately help me. There is also shock that there are so many little ones. They range from being mere babes in arms to stroppy teenagers and there are many male ones as well as female ones. They have their own names, identities, personalities, memories and emotions.
As they began to come to the surface they brought memories with them, memories which had long been buried. They showed me in picture form what had happened and the event that caused the split. The horror that was revealed just seemed to pile on and on till it seemed that there was just no end to the horror and the trauma. I knew that the horror and trauma had to be there because I had so few memories of the first twenty years of my life and remembered only a tiny part of some of the violence from my parents. What I remembered was just a very tiny tip of an iceberg that just got bigger and bigger till it was impossible to see where the iceberg began and ended. It was very hard talking about things of which I’d no previous memory. It was virtually impossible to find words for things that to be honest any words I found were woefully inadequate for what I was seeing and remembering. And there are things that I just haven’t found the words for and have not shared because they are just too horrific and too shameful.
As each little one came to the surface I was encouraged by the person helping me to invite Jesus in to the situation and to encourage the little ones to talk to Jesus about what they were thinking, feeling and remembering. I love the way that Jesus dealt so tenderly which each one of them and gave time for them to speak of the horrible things that happened to them and helped each of them to trust Him. He dealt with some as individuals and others in small groups, but whichever way He chose, each little one was enabled to trust and was helped. Jesus created a huge garden for them so they had a safe place to be at last and provided many angels within that garden to protect and look after them. That garden exists in my heart and I am able to see it and visit it and see the little ones.
But I have so many questions too. For instance, how could all those little ones exist without me not knowing about it all those years? Now that they're all safe in the garden with Jesus and the angels that should be the end of it shouldn't it? But no Jesus says, there is more to do, creating the garden is only the beginning. HE wants me to accept them, to care about them and pray for them and to connect with them. Ultimately HE wants me whole and that means integration. That is kind of blowing my mind - to integrate with all of them? How on earth could that happen?
But to be honest I don't want all these little ones around me and don't know what to do with them all. I've always had a problem with the male ones anyway. I find it very difficult to interact with the male little ones just as I find it difficult to interact with males as an adult. But when I have gone to the garden and interacted with whichever one Jesus wants me to interact with, however gingerly and haltingly, it has blessed me and helped them and pleased Jesus.
But I don't really know how to interact with them or particularly want to or know where to start to be honest. And it seems not very nice to say that but that's where I'm at.
24 Feb 2010
I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!