I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. Without God's intervention in my life I wouldn't be here - NOW is the time for me to tell MY story by speaking the TRUTH about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being restored. This blog has helped me begin to get my voice back and documents the journey God is taking me on to heal me from the trauma and damage caused by that most appalling abuse.

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

MY BODY REMEMBERS

Every year I have a danger time between late October and late February/early March. In January I invariably find I go down with something which resists all attempts at treatment and completely knocks me sideways and usually I just shut down and go into survival mode just to get through. This year found me no different, really poorly with an infection that refused all attempts at treatment. However this year was just a little bit different in that after all the healing of the last few months shutting down into survival mode is no longer my natural instinct.

Instead there has been an instinct to fight all attempts to go into survival mode, to take note of all that has been happening and ask some really deep questions about what was going on. It is amazing that I’ve been asking questions about what’s going on because asking questions as a child was rewarded with, at best, punishment beatings, so I don’t ask questions. It shows just how far I’ve come that I’m asking questions now. I am just dwelling on that a little because it is a huge step, even leap, forward that I am asking questions now - asking questions of myself and asking questions of God too. Wow, wow wow!!!

As I’ve asked questions I’ve been surprised, sometimes stunned by the answers.

First off why is it that every January I am invariably ill? As I asked the question I was reminded that late October is when my father’s birthday is. Early November, my brother has his birthday. My grandfather died early November and my grandmother died during the run up Christmas at the hands of Harold Shipman. Although I do not actively remember these things they are passively there in my memory. I remembered also the many Christmasses when we’d go to church in the morning, then come home and I’d be shown the door and spend the rest of the day roaming the streets looking in at other people’s Christmasses, wondering what I’d done so wrong to be so excluded year after year. Although now I have transformed Christmas for myself by going away on coach holidays the memory of those many miserable Christmasses roaming the cold streets alone is woven into the fabric of my being and so there is always a reaction to Christmas, even though my Christmasses now are happier than I could ever have imagined possible, the memories are there in my body long after the mental memories had been recognised, remembered and healed.

Secondly as I said yes ok, I can understand that but why is it that the month of January is such a danger time for me, surely there is more to it than that. The answer came back to me in two bits.

First off remember how between Christmas and New Year in 1977 into 1978 your mother stopped the nightly rapes of you by your father and blamed you and when on to instigate the kangaroo courts and ritualistic beatings in the living room? Although I had dealt with the memories of that night when my mother came into my bedroom and pulled my father off of me and told me to stop sniffling and go to sleep, my body retained the memories and the deep shock and shame of that. That shame and hurt went very deep into my being. Secondly remember that last January in 1986 which culminated in you being disowned and left for dead in the snow by your parents. As I thought back memories of the deep traumas of that month when I could have been killed by them many times came to the surface.

As these answers came flooding to me there came a realisation of how shock, deep repeated trauma and horror over those twenty years had gotten woven into the very fabric of my being. There is the mental memory but also physical memories too. These physical memories are different to body memories that I’ve dealt with along the way. Body memories I’ve dealt with include the physical feeling of my wrists and ankles being bound that I’ve had to ask Jesus to unbind and heal. This takes body memories to a much deeper level. There is something about sustained terror and trauma which seems to actually change your body’s make up just as the pathways in your brain get changed by trauma and need healing and re wiring. Re wiring my brain was one thing that Jesus told me He had to do as part of my healing.

The question for me now is can anything be done about this or is this the way things are just going to be. In other words as my body remembers in ways that to be honest boggle my mind, is it possible to alter or reverse these responses in my body as it remembers. Is it possible to stop my body remembering? Is the period of time from late October to late February/early March, with late December and January being the most critical time, always going to be a danger time for me?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, but just the exploration of this issue helps me cope with the physical stuff I’m experiencing and gives me hope that maybe things could change, maybe there are answer that I just haven’t had to all this yet.

Jan/Feb 2010

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