I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 14 March 2010


A friend emailed me this yesterday and I thought it was sooooo good I had to share it here.

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. 'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'

The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?' 'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.' For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them. So, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

Friday, 12 March 2010

An Interesting Lunch

On Tuesday I had my usual afternoon in ChildLine. I always time my journey into Exeter to have lunch before going in to ChildLine. This week although there was a chilly wind the sun was shining so I decided to get a sandwich and go sit out and enjoy the sunshine and fresh air rather than eating in for my lunch. So I got my sandwich and headed to Cathedral Green and sat down to enjoy my sandwich and the sunshine. A few minutes in I was minding my own business and then heard a man’s voice say “d’u mind if I sit here?” I looked up to see a tall man standing next to me wanting to sit next to me and eat his sandwich. I said ‘yes, feel free’ wishing I could have said no, but that would have been rude. I was very aware of my stress levels rising rapidly and told myself, for goodness sake, it’s ok, it’s a public place, he’s just gonna eat his lunch and go on his way, it’ll be alright. But my whole body was tensing up and the sun didn’t seem to be shining quite so brightly as it had been. Anyway, I returned back to my sandwich but my quiet lunch was over because he was a talkative guy who wanted to have a conversation as well as sit there and eat his sandwich. So the next fifteen minutes or so were filled with the most unbelievable tension for me as we exchanged polite conversation on all sorts of issues. I just kept wishing he’d just shut up and kept telling myself, it’s ok he’ll go soon. I realised how far I’ve come that I could actually just about cope with the situation without getting up and running away. But I also realised how far I really have to go. There is a very real deep fear of men inside of me and I feel very small and intimidated, especially when having to communicate with men I do not know. I was very relieved when he finished his sandwich and headed back off to his job. I sat there feeling quite shaken but also really proud of myself too that I didn’t get up and run away but battled through all the stuff I was feeling and got through it. He went on his way none the wiser of what his mere sitting down next to me had triggered for me.

9 March 2010

A Love Letter From God

I know you, know the real you. I know you more intimately than any other, more than you know yourself. I was there when you were born, watched you grow into who you are today. I've been there your entire life! I watch over you, protect you, keep you safe and sound. I care about you, provide for you, do stuff just for you and send you gifts. I feed you, clothe you, take care of you and supply all your needs. I never have, nor ever will stop doing this for you!

I'm here for you when you think you're alone, when you need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. I'm here to carry you when you feel life is too hard or you can't go on! I know what you're going through, know what it's like, how it feels. I've been there before! It tears me apart to see you in pain. For every tear you shed, four fall from my eyes.

I laugh when you laugh - laugh at all you jokes, even the stupid ones! I feel your happiness, love to see you smile - it makes me smile! You're my pride and joy! Nothing makes me happier then spending time with you!! I'm your biggest fan and your best friend! I share the good times with you, just as I'm there for you in the bad. I'm proud of your accomplishments, proud of the things you do right! I keep track of them and make sure you're rewarded for them!

I don't think less of you or look down on you when you mess up or because you're different. I'll never pick on you or make fun of you! I always see the good in you, always see your full potential. I see who you'll become, who you'll be in a year, two years, five, ten, 20,35, 50, or even 80 years from now. I only want what's best for you! I always have your best interests in mind! I've always been and always will be completely honest with you!!

I love you regardless of who you are or what you've done. There's nothing you can do to change that - nothing you can do to make me stop loving you or love you less, no matter how hard you try! I guarantee you'll never in a million years find anyone who loves you as much or more than me. I'm so sure in fact, that I've bet everything, even my own life on it!

I left everything behind, left paradise, left the coolest, most beautiful place in the universe to be with you! I left my throne, my kingdom, became poor, homeless, a traveller, human, flesh and blood. It wasn't JUST to prove my existence, keep my promises, and humble myself to become an example through my actions. It wasn't JUST to teach you in person, restore your life, and show you the way home where we can be together again. I did it to prove that I know and understand what it's like to be in your shoes. To prove I know what you're going through from personal experience!

I have come to tell you in person just how much I love you. I came to show you through my deeds my love for you is more than words! I came to demonstrate that my love for you is every bit as real as the air that you breathe and feel, but never see. My love for you is as real as your heart, brain, and desires - you've never seen them with your own eyes, but you know they're there because they've been proven to exist and you can feel them at work.

I was humiliated, spit on, falsely accused, bruised, and beaten black and blue to prove my love for you! I was ridiculed, mocked, made fun of, embarrassed, rejected, and outcast by my own people to show you how much I love you! Just in case that wasn't enough, I bled and died an unimaginably painful death to prove beyond any doubt that I love you more than anything, even my own life! Then, after all this, I came back to life so that you can see my love for you will never die and can never be killed!

I must confess that I had a selfish motive for all this: I did it because I want to be with you! I want to be a personal, real, loving friend to you! I want to walk, talk, eat, breath, and dream with you. I want to spend time with you. I want your friendship, companionship, your time, your attention, and devotion! I want everything you are - good and bad, faults and all! I WANT YOU! I want to bridge the gap between us. I want to make my home in you. After all, this is the reason that I created you, the reason I died for you. I was thinking about you before I made you. You were on my mind when I breathed my last breath! I could have done anything imaginable, but instead, I chose to make you to keep me company!

You DON'T have to earn my love - it's unconditional. No requirements, no qualifiers, no disqualifiers and NO fine print, PERIOD! All I ask in return is that you spend time with me and do your best to follow in my foot prints.


Sunday, 7 March 2010


A friend sent me the following poem and I thought it was so good it was worth sharing here.

”A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her”

When I say that 'I am a Christian', I am not shouting that 'I am clean living. I'm whispering' I was lost, but now I'm found and forgiven'

When I say 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride. I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide

When I say 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong. I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on

When I say 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success. I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess

When I say 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect. My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it

When I say 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain, I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon HIS name

When I say 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou, I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow!

Pretty is as Pretty does but, Beautiful is just plain Beautiful

Wednesday, 3 March 2010


Wandering round town yesterday the shops were full of Mother’s Day stuff – it will be Mother’s Day a week on Sunday. Seeing the Mother’s Day stuff reminded me of my babies.

There aren’t many days when I don’t think about my babies and I’m able to think about them now without that unbearable searing pain that tore right through me. It amazes me that that is the case!!! At least I don’t hurt over them now, Jesus has done a lot of healing in me, but I do ache for them.

Today I was feeling a really deep ache inside thinking about Macey, Faith, Charlie, Shaun, Tricia, Trudi, Phil and Joy. Just wanting to be able to hold them and look in their eyes and tell them that momma loves them and seeing that they do believe me. I know that they’re safe and being brought up in heaven, but they’ll always be my babies and I ache to hold them and love on them and be a momma to them.

2 March 2010