On Tuesday I had my usual afternoon in ChildLine. I always time my journey into Exeter to have lunch before going in to ChildLine. This week although there was a chilly wind the sun was shining so I decided to get a sandwich and go sit out and enjoy the sunshine and fresh air rather than eating in for my lunch. So I got my sandwich and headed to Cathedral Green and sat down to enjoy my sandwich and the sunshine. A few minutes in I was minding my own business and then heard a man’s voice say “d’u mind if I sit here?” I looked up to see a tall man standing next to me wanting to sit next to me and eat his sandwich. I said ‘yes, feel free’ wishing I could have said no, but that would have been rude. I was very aware of my stress levels rising rapidly and told myself, for goodness sake, it’s ok, it’s a public place, he’s just gonna eat his lunch and go on his way, it’ll be alright. But my whole body was tensing up and the sun didn’t seem to be shining quite so brightly as it had been. Anyway, I returned back to my sandwich but my quiet lunch was over because he was a talkative guy who wanted to have a conversation as well as sit there and eat his sandwich. So the next fifteen minutes or so were filled with the most unbelievable tension for me as we exchanged polite conversation on all sorts of issues. I just kept wishing he’d just shut up and kept telling myself, it’s ok he’ll go soon. I realised how far I’ve come that I could actually just about cope with the situation without getting up and running away. But I also realised how far I really have to go. There is a very real deep fear of men inside of me and I feel very small and intimidated, especially when having to communicate with men I do not know. I was very relieved when he finished his sandwich and headed back off to his job. I sat there feeling quite shaken but also really proud of myself too that I didn’t get up and run away but battled through all the stuff I was feeling and got through it. He went on his way none the wiser of what his mere sitting down next to me had triggered for me.
9 March 2010
I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!