I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Wednesday, 28 April 2010


I saw the following posted by a friend on facebook. It so impacted me so deeply that I had to share it here, and I am crying as I share it with you.

As children bring their broken toys, with tears for us to mend, I took my broken dreams to God because HE was my friend. But instead of leaving HIM in peace to work alone, I hung around and tried to help, with ways that were my own. At last I snatched them back and cried, "how can you be so slow?" "My child", HE said "what could I do? You never did let go"

How many times have I done that and how many times do I do that? One of these days I will FULLY trust HIM to put all the pieces back together in the way that HE and HE alone knows is the best way.

Saturday, 24 April 2010


Shifting, churning, sliding, changing, tumbling, shaking, stumbling, everything wibbly wobbly, insecure, slipping

The tectonic plates of my life are all shifting around, earthquakes and tremors mean solid rock is becoming liquid under my feet, how can rock become liquid like that?

Slipping, sliding, shaking, moving, shifting, stumbling, shifting sands, rocks, wibbly wobbly, insecure, nothing is certain, everything wobbling around, right from the very core, so insecure, so unsure, so afraid, yet I know it’s gonna be ok

Earthquake, tremors, ground is sliding under me, buckling, shaking, opening up in front of me, yawning chasms, jumping the gaps, trying not to slip, sliding, falling, wobbling, all over the place, everywhere I turn solid ground is shifting and turning into huge chasms so deep, too deep to see

So deep, so very deep, scary, nothing solid, nothing secure, climbing obstacles, jumping gaps, nothing solid, nothing to hold on to, jumping, slipping, holding on, falling, everything shifting, changing all around me, please stop, it’s gotta stop sometime, please stop, yet something in me knows it’s gonna be ok

It’s gotta stop sometime, just gotta weather this, it can’t go on forever, it can’t keep shifting and buckling, keep balancing, jumping, shift with each movement, go with the flow, go with it, don’t resist or go against it, it will stop eventually, it will be ok, I know that it’s gonna be ok, eventually

19th April 2010

Sunday, 18 April 2010


Last Tuesday I had my usual trip in to ChildLine but it was not a good day. I’d a completely sleepless night having one of those hyper vigilant wakeful nights. On nights like that it’s like someone has flicked a switch and my brain won’t allow me to sleep. It isn’t that my brain is racing or my hurts churning around. I’m actually at peace but my brain will not allow me to doze or sleep. Those kind of nights are always really draining and I began the day feeling really ratty and fragile.

On arrival in Exeter I was walking up an incline into the centre. Coming down the hill really fast, straight in front of me were two people. They were holding hands and running right towards me and did not let go their hands to the very last second. They were on me really quick and for a moment I found that I couldn’t go forwards or sideways, my path was completely blocked by these two people.

My whole body and mind froze. I didn’t know who I was or where I was for a moment or two. I heard the man yell “sorry” but could not respond, I stood there not knowing what the heck had happened and became aware that I just had to somehow piece myself back together so I could get my lunch and make it in to ChildLine. I walked blindly down the street for the next five minutes or so with my heart racing and my breathing going like the clappers. I kept telling myself “it’s ok, you’re safe, it’s ok, you’re safe” and gradually I felt my heart rate and my breathing slow down and I came back to myself again. It was a really scary few minutes and I’m amazed that I didn’t go into a full blown panic attack and stay there but I brought myself out of it, which is pretty wow really!!

There is like a hyper vigilance has taken over me at the moment. I’m noticing every little detail happening around me. My senses are on high alert and I’m not missing anything. I realise my brain may not necessarily interpreting what’s going on as accurately as I am used to but that’s just the way it is at the moment.

The hyper vigilance is affecting my sleep too. I may have a night when I sleep really well. Then I’ll have a night when all my senses are on alert and I cannot sleep or even doze and spend the night watching the clock go round. Other nights my sleep is disturbed by dreams and nightmares, or just feeling very unsettled. I am having major headaches and migraines like I used to up to my mid 20’s and then stopped having them. Now those migraines are back along with knots of painful tension right down my neck into my shoulders.

It just goes to show that we just do not know what is going on in the lives of people who cross our path and we do not know how our behaviour around us may affect them.

It reminds me of something someone said to me a long time ago “we never know what is going on in the lives of people that we meet from day to day; therefore we need to walk with great care, to speak with great gentleness and to react with incredible kindness.”

Wednesday, 14 April 2010


Watch HIM real close, don’t let HIM out of your sights, stalk after HIM
Hunt HIM down until HE catches you with HIS irresistible force of Love
Study God. Watch HIM real close. Don’t let HIM out of your sights. HE’S quite a study
There’s so much to learn, watch HIS every footstep, watch where HE goes
What HE does, what HE says, study where HE’S been, where HE’S going?
What makes HIM happy? What makes HIM sad?
What makes the Creator of all things outside of all time tick?
Feel HIS every heartbeat, watch HIM closely, watch HIM real close
Don’t let HIM out of your sight, HE’S quite a study
HE knows all things in all places outside of all time
HE draws us in with HIS irresistible force of Love
Watch HIM. Watch HIM real close, don’t let HIM out of your sights
HE shows us things, glimpses, previews.
Coming attractions of things to come in our eternities with HIM
Our eternities inside of HIM, we are in HIS Breath
All things were created by HIM and for HIM and nothing exists apart from HIM
Stare at HIM, Stalk after HIM, search HIM out, run after HIM
You will seek HIM. You will find HIM as you pursue HIM with all of your heart
HE’S drawing us in with HIS irresistible force of Love
There is nothing we can do about it, it’s in HIS script
HIS script has set us on fire with HIMSELF, the flames will never be quenched
Feel it, feel the burning after God, pursue HIM until HE catches you
HE will hit you, HE will hit you hard with HIS Love
You will go airborne, airborne in the Spirit of God, headed straight for HIM
Straight into HIM and HIS light as HE sits on HIS Throne.
HE disperses light in all directions, God Alpha, God Omega.
You will enter into all of HIM, inside of HIS Spirit.
Absorbed, consumed by Reality itself, watch HIM, watch HIM real close.
Eternal Oneness in HIM just as HE prayed for long ago in a human body
Don’t let HIM out of your sights, don’t let HIM out of your sights

By Stan Wenninger

Friday, 2 April 2010


This was sent to me today and it made me smile. Happy Easter to you, may this Easter be a time of a fresh appreciation of HIS precious love for you and for me.

A bag of jellybeans colourful and sweet. Little beans that tell a story true. A promise and a delicious treat. A tale of Father's love just for me and you.

GREEN is for the grass HE made and the waving palms
YELLOW is for the sun above, the sun so bright
BROWN is for the soft earth where people sat hearing of HIS love
A SPECKLED bean for fish and sand
RED is for the blood HE gave and for precious wine
BLACK is for the sins we made, the sins HE washed from your soul and mine
PURPLE'S for the house of sorrow, sadness of HIS family and HIS friends
WHITE is for the grace HE gave and the glory of the day HE rose again
ORANGE is for the edge of night
PINK is for the new tomorrow

Now that you've heard the story, you know what each colour means. The story of our Father's love told by some jelly beans. So every morning take a bean, they're really very yummy. Something for the soul, you see and something for the tummy.