I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 18 April 2010


Last Tuesday I had my usual trip in to ChildLine but it was not a good day. I’d a completely sleepless night having one of those hyper vigilant wakeful nights. On nights like that it’s like someone has flicked a switch and my brain won’t allow me to sleep. It isn’t that my brain is racing or my hurts churning around. I’m actually at peace but my brain will not allow me to doze or sleep. Those kind of nights are always really draining and I began the day feeling really ratty and fragile.

On arrival in Exeter I was walking up an incline into the centre. Coming down the hill really fast, straight in front of me were two people. They were holding hands and running right towards me and did not let go their hands to the very last second. They were on me really quick and for a moment I found that I couldn’t go forwards or sideways, my path was completely blocked by these two people.

My whole body and mind froze. I didn’t know who I was or where I was for a moment or two. I heard the man yell “sorry” but could not respond, I stood there not knowing what the heck had happened and became aware that I just had to somehow piece myself back together so I could get my lunch and make it in to ChildLine. I walked blindly down the street for the next five minutes or so with my heart racing and my breathing going like the clappers. I kept telling myself “it’s ok, you’re safe, it’s ok, you’re safe” and gradually I felt my heart rate and my breathing slow down and I came back to myself again. It was a really scary few minutes and I’m amazed that I didn’t go into a full blown panic attack and stay there but I brought myself out of it, which is pretty wow really!!

There is like a hyper vigilance has taken over me at the moment. I’m noticing every little detail happening around me. My senses are on high alert and I’m not missing anything. I realise my brain may not necessarily interpreting what’s going on as accurately as I am used to but that’s just the way it is at the moment.

The hyper vigilance is affecting my sleep too. I may have a night when I sleep really well. Then I’ll have a night when all my senses are on alert and I cannot sleep or even doze and spend the night watching the clock go round. Other nights my sleep is disturbed by dreams and nightmares, or just feeling very unsettled. I am having major headaches and migraines like I used to up to my mid 20’s and then stopped having them. Now those migraines are back along with knots of painful tension right down my neck into my shoulders.

It just goes to show that we just do not know what is going on in the lives of people who cross our path and we do not know how our behaviour around us may affect them.

It reminds me of something someone said to me a long time ago “we never know what is going on in the lives of people that we meet from day to day; therefore we need to walk with great care, to speak with great gentleness and to react with incredible kindness.”

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