I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Friday, 7 May 2010


It was around the 20th of April that I was talking to Jesus one evening and ruminating with HIM about the many ways that HE reveals HIMSELF to me. At times it is mind boggling how multi faceted God is in HIS relationship with me.

During this conversation with Jesus I mentioned the word 'brother'. As I did so I had such a strong reaction inside me that it stopped me in my tracks and I said to HIM "oh no I did not realise that I have such an issue with you as my elder brother, I am so sorry that I do and I wish I didn't". And HE gently reassured me that HE knows all about it and why I feel like that and that HE is going to bring healing so that I can relate to HIM in that way without any feelings of shame or fear.

My biological brother was massively abusive towards me. He was a bully and manipulator. In some ways he was as much a victim as I was. But in other ways he was an abuser and bully who showed me no mercy and did not protect me as a big brother should have. I recognise part of it was protecting his position. However, it does NOT excuse what he did.

So over the last couple of weeks or so Jesus has been helping me get to know HIM as my big brother. Massive healing has happened in a very short space of time as I've made huge steps in that.

I realised only a couple of days ago that I'm comfortable with HIM as my big bro and I’ve come a long way in no time at all.

I now have a big ‘bruvver’ who really cares for HIS little sister and will protect and look out for me. HE will not take advantage of me or use me for HIS own ends or manipulate me in any way. HE will not belittle me but will help me because HE wants only the best for HIS little sister. HE is kind, loving and supportive and will never raise HIS hand or voice to me. I can be safe with HIM, HE wants me to be, and do you know what, I am safe with my big bro now!!

Around the same time as HE began to help me with this Jesus also gave me a vision of me and HIM walking together beside a peaceful stream. I was dressed in flowing white robes. And I reacted from deep inside and said I cannot wear those robes, I shouldn't be wearing them. And HE said, "oh my dear beloved, I see you pure, I see you so so pure and I love your purity, your purity is so very precious to me, you remember terrible violation and feel so violated by all that happened but I see you pure, you are totally pure to me". HE spoke with such compassion and deep love it was breathtaking. I can still see myself with HIM in those white robes and I believe HE is deliberately making sure that picture remains lodged in my mind's eye.

At the time I did not recognise how the two linked together. But deep inside I'd carried a very deep sense of shame about some of the things my brother forced me to do and the violation that was of me at every level. Part of HIS healing has been to enable me to relax with Jesus as my big brother by removing that shame off of me and that HE has done.

I am amazed and astounded at the healing that has happened in such a very short space of time.


Anonymous said...

Wow! This is so amazing! I found you through my friend jenny's site. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to going through your writings Fiona. Isn't it so great to know that Jesus is our big brother? What beautiful vision God has given you:)
love and peace to you dear sister,


Thank you, I am constantly amazed and encouraged by how God is using my site, it is an honour to be sharing how HE is bringing healing to me and to know it is blessing others!! :)


and thank you Eve for being taking the time to comment and being so thoughtful, thank you :) :)