Secrets can be very powerful things but not all secrets are bad; some secrets can be good ones but the bad ones, well they’ve kept me in prison for many years; in prison to the fear of what reaction will I get should I find the guts to tell? If I tell will I be believed?
Oh the darkness of them; the fear of disclosure; the fear of what might happen should my dark secrets be discovered; the fear of not being believed; the prison of events kept secret by the secrets themselves; the prison of the promises forced from me; the prison of the threats that kept me quiet; the prison of the feelings of dirtiness that keeping those secrets causes and the dirtiness of that acts that led to those secrets
The only way through is to find the guts from somewhere to take the risk of telling and not being believed; to take the risk of being accused of making it up because the secrets cover up horrors that are so bad it’s hard to believe those things could have happened though I know they did; to take the risk and break rules that were bad rules; rules which have kept me scared silent and trapped in the darkness of the secrets
If I tell what will people think? If I tell will the bad things I was told would happen if I ever told, actually happen? If I tell will people take me seriously? Or will they think this is just too far fetched and cannot be true? It’s really scary to tell it as it really was, it’s a horrible vulnerable feeling, somehow it’s easier to carry on keeping quiet, maintaining those secrets than to face the fear and the vulnerability of disclosure
Trouble is keeping those secrets secret perpetuates the darkness inside which eats away and eats away; over the years it’s got impossible to maintain those secrets and they’ve been leaking out, a little bit here and a little bit there; it’s got harder and harder to keep quiet but the fear of telling is what’s kept me quiet all these years, all the threats of what would happen if I ever told
But maintaining those secrets takes up so much energy, energy I don’t have; it’s hard work keeping secrets but it’s so hard and scary to let those secrets out too but I know in the long term I’ll be better for having found the guts to speak the truth and let go those secrets, letting them out takes away their power over me and stops them eating away at my insides
I feel like I’ve been living a double life all these years, I’ve not been lying but I’ve not been telling the whole truth; covering up, protecting those who hurt me out of misplaced loyalty but now those days are over, I can’t do that no more; I reached a point where I had to tell, I could not keep them inside any longer, but it’s been real scary and I’m feeling so wobbly and insecure
I’m afraid of a backlash; there must be some punishment for breaking the rules and letting those secrets out, I was told so many times what terrible things would happen to me if I ever told on them but in amongst the fear there’s also a voice inside saying “Fi, it’s ok, it’s going to be ok, you’re safe now, you can let those secrets out, you are going to get through this”
It’s a relief to tell, it’s so good to know I’m being believed, it’s good to know those secrets no longer hold power over me and it’s good to be rid of that dark cloud and that darkness inside, I hope one day I’ll feel clean of all the dirt and grime that came along with those secrets, I hope one day to get rid of the shame that was attached to those secrets too
I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!