I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 2 May 2010


I read this on someone's blog today and it so described what I have found incredibly hard to put into words really well that I decided to reproduce it here. I really could not have put it better myself.

I never thought I would blog. Yet I have things to say, things to scream . . . I saw a bit of the film Mystic River this afternoon. I saw it back when it came out but had largely forgotten the plot. The small bit I stumbled on today was a man who had been raped as a child describing his perpetrators as vampires. He said he felt that after they were done with him, he had forever remained "undead" - caught in an existence that was not death but would never really be life. The vampire metaphor could be explored pretty deeply but at this moment I am struck by how deeply I feel that I have been forever changed by what happened to me. The damage is both something inserted that can not be removed, and something taken from me that I can not get back. And I am furious and I am deeply sad. I am haunted and I walk through the world feeling different from others. I am not dead and yet I am not fully alive. I am estranged from the daily flow of humanity. Can anyone describe a feeling like this as well?

Source - Hermione – The Girl Who Lived, http://blogs.myspace.com/ragged_end_of_nowhere

For me it feels like I am forever marked as 'different' because of the abuse. I too feel haunted by it and deeply sad. Sad; not only that it happened, but sad too that it leaves me unable to live but merely exist. BUT I am so glad that Jesus is able to come into those 'undead' parts of my life and breathe new life into them through HIS resurrection power. For me it is the what was taken that I cannot ever get back that hurts the most. One day I hope to do more than just exist, to feel fully alive and less estranged from everyday life.


Eve said...

Wow! This is a very insightful post.


Yes it is isn't it, that's why I borrowed it and reposted it here