I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

I'm A Wannabe Eagle!!!

Isaiah 40:31

Thanks Eve for pointing me to this one. I happen to really love this verse from the Amplified version. I'm flapping my wings to try to take off and see if I fly. I dare to try, I dare to fly, I dare to get close knowing HE won't turn me away!!!

But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

The Most Beautiful Garment

I came across the following article a couple of days ago and it so helped me that I thought I'd reproduce it here.

"[HE has sent me] to provide for those who grieve in Zion, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Isaiah 61:3

This morning, as I was listening to the news, something caught my attention. The presenter was talking about a relatively new way to ‘cure’, or counter-attack depression. It was a method called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, recognized in the US and Israel, but still being tested in other places, which involves stimulating with a magnet the area of our brain, as big as a 50p coin, that regulates our emotions (whether it’s sadness or joy). A doctor explained that, when we are depressed, this part of our nervous system is almost non-active, hence the idea of stimulating it to improve the spirits of the patient. My curiosity aroused, I listened closely, as they debated the efficiency of this innovation.

Soon after, as I was reading Isaiah 61, the Lord suddenly struck a chord in my heart with the verse above – ‘Ashes’, ‘mourning’, ‘despair’. God was talking about depression there! HE was basically saying that HE’D sent and anointed Jesus as THE remedy against depression. It suddenly dawned on me that scientists had been looking for a way to improve or heal the symptoms of depression but they often by passed the real, broken-heart condition of a person. This verse, however, tells us of a God of compassion, who brings real healing, HIS healing, to those that are desperate, helpless, hopeless (‘flat’, as the part of our brain that we mentioned earlier).

It’s interesting that Isaiah describes the contrary of a ‘spirit of despair’ as a ‘garment of praise!’ When I was a teenager I remember being incapable of singing because my heart had been so broken. I despaired when I realised how much ‘spark’ had gone out of me, and how I’d got to the point of just letting life go on around me. But little by little God’s love undertook a major work of healing in me, and one day, to my amazement, I found myself able to sing worship songs. I could literally feel my spirit breathe, and knew God had already accomplished a huge work of restoration in me. David said in Psalm 23:3, ‘HE restores my soul’ and it’s my prayer that those who are mourning today should experience that restoration. - Claudia Chaigne

Jesus, thank YOU so much for the hope YOU bring to me. YOU’VE come to heal the broken-hearted and YOU were anointed by God. Lord, I pray that today YOU’D give me a garment of praise in place of a broken and desperate spirit. I come to YOU because YOU ARE interested in me, and because YOU have compassion for me. Thank YOU that I can come to YOU with my broken heart and uncertain desperate spirit and know YOU receive me and gently restore me.

Sunday, 20 June 2010


It’s Father's Day today. I’ve tried to ignore it coming up but have been unable to, reminders are everywhere. I didn’t want to wake up and see today. I wanted today to pass and me not be part of it.

The hurt of my father's abuse is almost unbearable, the betrayal and the pain are so deep. That little girl seems frozen in time; frozen in the moment of that first betrayal; frozen in the moment of that first act of rape; frozen in the moment of things she has no words for; frozen in the moment of that first shattering of her trust by the man she thought was her daddy; frozen in the moment of realising the man she thought was safe wasn’t; frozen in the moment of realization that the man she thought loved her, loved her the wrong way and caused her such unbearable pain.

That 9-year old little girl lives inside of me; she is slowly finding a voice; she is slowly finding words for those things she had no words for; she is slowly realising it is ok to tell; she is slowly realising she is believed; she is slowly realizing she is safe now. It’ll take her a long time to realise that she was not to blame; it’ll take her a long time to realise that it wasn’t her fault; it’ll take her a long time to get unfrozen; but one day she will because she has begun the journey of telling; and that journey leads to healing and being able to move on from the pain; I am so very proud of her for finding the courage to begin that journey.

I'm thankful I've got a SAFE Daddy in my eternal Father, who one day I'll be able to call Father without deep pain. I cannot speak the word ‘father’; the pain inside of me when I do is indescribable and tears right through me. But I am so glad that my eternal Father knows all of that and has been helping me the last few months to get to know HIM as DADDY, as my SAFE DADDY. It was a long and arduous journey to reach the point where I could call HIM 'Daddy' without searing pain but I can now and I love to call HIM 'Daddy' now. I'm so glad that HIS patience is so infinite and HIS knowledge of me so deep, intimate and safe.

When I call HIM ‘Hi DADDY’ I hear HIM reply ‘hello sweet daughter' in HIS gentle tones which are so precious to hear. And I have a picture of HIM lifting me up in HIS arms, way up over HIS head, laughing as HE does so and then enfolding me in those safe arms that will never hurt me or wander where they shouldn’t.

I love being HIS little girl, knowing HIS love for me is SAFE. HIS love for me is so very SAFE. I know I can rest in HIS arms knowing they are SAFE arms. But I still wriggle around a lot and jump out as soon as I start getting uncomfortable and scared. But that’s ok, this is a work in progress, and HE knows why I am so afraid and uncomfortable. One day I know I’ll stop wriggling and just rest there. But it doesn’t matter how long it takes us to get there, I just know we will one day. And in that day I will be able to look into HIS eyes and call HIM ‘Father’ and it will feel ok.

But for now HE is my SAFE DADDY whose love is healing those deep places inside of me that were so torn and betrayed so that my trust in HIM is slowly deepened little by little.

My SAFE DADDY is so very precious to me. My SAFE Daddy's love makes life bearable and helps me face each day, knowing I'm SAFE with HIM + HIS love is SAFE, thanks Daddy!

And HE Shall Be Called 'I AM'

A friend sent me this and I thought it was so good I had to share it here.

I am The I AM

I AM The Lord YOUR God
I AM The Lord YOUR Righteousness
I AM The Anointed One
I AM The Christ
I AM The Messiah
I AM The Lord of All
I AM The Maker of All Things
I AM The Everlasting Light of the World
I AM The Light Which Also Sends the Light
I AM The Source of Life
I AM Eternal Life
I AM YOUR Salvation
I AM Freedom From Sin
I AM The Passover
I AM The LAMB of God
I AM The Redeemer
I AM The Ransom
I AM The Prince of Peace
I AM YOUR Strength
I AM The Glorious One on High
I AM The Image of God
I AM The Keeper of MY Saints
I AM The Lover of Souls
I AM The Resurrection and The Life
I AM The Beloved One of Men’s Hearts
I AM The One in Which All Rejoice
I AM The Song of Your Heart
I AM The One, Alone, Worthy of Worship and Praise
I AM The Kingdom
I AM The Power
I AM The Glory
I AM The Creation
I AM The Wisdom
I AM The One Who Is
I AM Forever
I AM The Father
I AM The Joy
I AM The Beholder of Life
I AM The King of kings
I AM The Only God
I AM The Love That Never Dies
I AM The Protector
I AM The One Who Reigns Forever
I AM The Alpha
I AM The Omega
I AM The Author
I AM also The Finisher
I AM The Word
I AM The Very Breath of Life
I AM The Sanctuary
I AM YOUR Closest Friend
I AM YOUR Sacrifice
I AM The Bright and Morning Star
I AM coming quickly
I AM The Reaper
I AM also The Sower
I AM The Existence
I AM The Water of Life
I AM also YOUR Bread, The Very Manna from Heaven
I AM The Way
I AM The Truth
I AM The Life
I AM The Saviour
I AM The Risen One
I AM The Conqueror
I AM The Authority
I AM The Shepherd
I AM The One to Whom Sing the Hosts of Heaven
I AM The Fulfilment of All Things
I AM The Faithful and True Witness
I AM Holy
I AM The Seat
I AM Mercy
I AM also Wrath and Justice
I AM YOUR Servant
I AM The Healer
I AM HE Who Searches the Hearts and Minds
I AM The Judgment
I AM The Cornerstone
I AM The Rock
I AM The Tree
I AM also The Branch
I AM The Son of David
I AM The Peace for All Times
I AM The Day Star Who Arises in the hearts of men
I AM The Voice
I AM The Counsellor
I AM The Hope
I AM YOUR Heart’s Desire
I AM The One Who Holds the Keys
I AM The Bestower of Gifts
I AM Long-Suffering
I AM The Reward
I AM The Salvation Day
I AM The Horn of Salvation
I AM God’s Salvation, The Messiah
I AM YahuShua HAMashiach
I AM The First Born from the Dead
I AM The First Born Over All Creation
I AM The First Fruit
I AM YOUR High Priest
I AM The Face of God
I AM The Image of The Invisible God
I AM The Holy One of Israel
I AM The Mediator
I AM The Mighty and Strong One
I AM The Right Arm of God
I AM The Strong One of Jacob
I AM The Lion of Judah
I AM The Warrior of God Who Needs No Weapon
I AM The One with the Double-Edged Sword in HIS Mouth
I AM HE Who Sits on the White Horse
I AM HE Who is Coming on the Clouds
I AM HE Who Will Shine from the East Unto the West
I AM The Son of Man
I AM HE Who Holds the Iron Sceptre
I AM The Lord of Lords
I AM HE Who Holds the Seven Stars in HIS Right Hand
I AM HE Who Has Eyes Like FLAMING Fire
I AM HE Who Wears the Golden Sash
I AM The First and The Last
I AM HE Who Died and is Alive Forevermore
I AM The Conqueror of Death
I AM The One Who Has the Sevenfold Spirit of God
I AM The One Who Has the Key of David
I AM HE Who Opens Doors that No One Can Shut
I AM The Ruler
I AM The One Who Sits at The Right Hand of God
I AM The In All, Be All, of Existence
I AM The True Vine
I AM The Love That Never Fades
I AM The Inspiration
I AM The Star out of Jacob
I AM Almighty
I AM Reachable
I AM Close to YOU
I AM YOUR Helper
I AM YOUR Comfort
I AM YOUR Rear Guard
I AM The One Who Longs to Hold YOU
I AM HE Who Gathers You to HIM
I AM Lord of Heaven and Earth
I AM YOUR Advocate
I AM The Holy Presence
I AM The Spirit
I AM The Anchor
I AM The Beloved of Men
I AM The Nectar of Life
I AM The Restoration of All Things
I AM The Holder of the Book of Life
I AM HE Who Has Loved YOU Before the Foundation of the Earth
I AM HE Through Which YOU Were Made
I AM YOUR Tears of Joy
I AM Christ Jesus

I AM for YOU and YOU for ME

I AM Yeshua, The Gift


I AM The All in All... I AM

Wednesday, 16 June 2010


Limbo - how can I describe it to you?
It’s a place that I really don’t like
It’s a very uncertain place too
It makes me squirm deep inside
And it makes me want out, big time
I hate the loss of control that it creates
Although I never had no control before
It all just creates a very helpless feeling
Like someone’s snatched something from me
Snatched control from out of my hands
The not knowing when it’ll come to an end
Is a really bad feeling I’m struggling to find words for
I just want to get on to the next phase
Outta this horrible place called ‘limbo’
The waiting for something to happen to move things on
And not being able to do anything to influence it
Is really horrible, I feel strangely disempowered
It feels like a very lonely, empty, pointless, helpless place
A place created by someone else’s design and decision
I know it would be so much easier if I stopped stressing
And managed to find a way to accept that I’m here in ‘limbo’
And can’t do nothing about it to speed things up
But I can’t cos everything within me is straining
Screaming out for relief, for something to happen PLEASE
Or at least to know how long it’s gonna last
To get back at least some semblance of control
And ease the feeling of being lost in this place called ‘limbo’
Lost and forgotten, kind of pushed to one side
Cos that’s how it feels and it’s a scary insecure feeling
That makes everything wobble around me like crazy
I just want it to end, I just want out of this place called ‘limbo’


Monday, 7 June 2010

Never Alone When You Know And Have Jesus!

Do you need me?
I am there
You cannot see ME, yet, I am the light you see by
You cannot hear ME, yet, I speak through your voice
You cannot feel ME, yet, I AM the power at work through your hands
I AM at work, though you do not understand MY ways
I AM at work, though you do not recognize MY works
I AM not strange visions, I AM no mystery
Only in absolute stillness, beyond self
Can you know ME as I AM ~ then
But as a feeling and as a faith.
Yet I AM here.
Yet I hear.
Yet I answer.
When you need ME, I AM there.
Even if you deny ME, I AM there.
Even in your fears, I AM there.
Even in your pain, I AM there.
I AM there when you pray and when you do not pray.
I AM in you and you are in ME.
Only in your mind can you feel separate from ME
Only in your mind are the myths of "yours" and "mine."
Yet only in your mind can you know ME and experience ME.
Empty your heart of empty fears. When you get yourself out of the
way, I AM there.
You can of yourself do nothing, but I can do all.
And, I AM in all.
Though you may not see the good, good is there, for I AM there.
I AM there because I have to be, for I AM.
Only in ME does the world have meaning.
Only in ME does the world take form.
Only because of ME the world goes forward.
I AM the law in which the movement of the stars and the growth of living
cells are founded.
I AM the Love that is fulfilling.
I AM the assurance.
I AM the peace.
I AM the oneness.
I AM the law that you can live by.
I AM the Love that you can cling to.
I AM your assurance.
I AM your peace.
I AM the one with you.
Though you fail ME, I do not fail you.
Though your faith is in ME is unsure, MY faith never waivers, because I
know you, because I love you.

Written by Apostle James Winfree, 31 May 2010