It’s Father's Day today. I’ve tried to ignore it coming up but have been unable to, reminders are everywhere. I didn’t want to wake up and see today. I wanted today to pass and me not be part of it.
The hurt of my father's abuse is almost unbearable, the betrayal and the pain are so deep. That little girl seems frozen in time; frozen in the moment of that first betrayal; frozen in the moment of that first act of rape; frozen in the moment of things she has no words for; frozen in the moment of that first shattering of her trust by the man she thought was her daddy; frozen in the moment of realising the man she thought was safe wasn’t; frozen in the moment of realization that the man she thought loved her, loved her the wrong way and caused her such unbearable pain.
That 9-year old little girl lives inside of me; she is slowly finding a voice; she is slowly finding words for those things she had no words for; she is slowly realising it is ok to tell; she is slowly realising she is believed; she is slowly realizing she is safe now. It’ll take her a long time to realise that she was not to blame; it’ll take her a long time to realise that it wasn’t her fault; it’ll take her a long time to get unfrozen; but one day she will because she has begun the journey of telling; and that journey leads to healing and being able to move on from the pain; I am so very proud of her for finding the courage to begin that journey.
I'm thankful I've got a SAFE Daddy in my eternal Father, who one day I'll be able to call Father without deep pain. I cannot speak the word ‘father’; the pain inside of me when I do is indescribable and tears right through me. But I am so glad that my eternal Father knows all of that and has been helping me the last few months to get to know HIM as DADDY, as my SAFE DADDY. It was a long and arduous journey to reach the point where I could call HIM 'Daddy' without searing pain but I can now and I love to call HIM 'Daddy' now. I'm so glad that HIS patience is so infinite and HIS knowledge of me so deep, intimate and safe.
When I call HIM ‘Hi DADDY’ I hear HIM reply ‘hello sweet daughter' in HIS gentle tones which are so precious to hear. And I have a picture of HIM lifting me up in HIS arms, way up over HIS head, laughing as HE does so and then enfolding me in those safe arms that will never hurt me or wander where they shouldn’t.
I love being HIS little girl, knowing HIS love for me is SAFE. HIS love for me is so very SAFE. I know I can rest in HIS arms knowing they are SAFE arms. But I still wriggle around a lot and jump out as soon as I start getting uncomfortable and scared. But that’s ok, this is a work in progress, and HE knows why I am so afraid and uncomfortable. One day I know I’ll stop wriggling and just rest there. But it doesn’t matter how long it takes us to get there, I just know we will one day. And in that day I will be able to look into HIS eyes and call HIM ‘Father’ and it will feel ok.
But for now HE is my SAFE DADDY whose love is healing those deep places inside of me that were so torn and betrayed so that my trust in HIM is slowly deepened little by little.
My SAFE DADDY is so very precious to me. My SAFE Daddy's love makes life bearable and helps me face each day, knowing I'm SAFE with HIM + HIS love is SAFE, thanks Daddy!
I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!