I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 15 August 2010

She Had No Choice

She had no choice when she was little, when would it eventually all end, this stripping away of her dignity, would there ever be an end to the shame, the fear, the hurt? Why couldn’t she feel safe in her own bed? She wondered many times over the long lonely agonising years, why couldn’t they just leave her alone?

Maybe life was supposed to hurt so much, but then she wondered what she’d done wrong? Maybe she was so bad that she deserved it, just like they said to her so many times, the nightmare went on and on and on and on and deep inside she wilted and died, there was no escape, there was none to rescue …

So that innocent terrified little girl thought, “Well I guess there is no hope for me, maybe I am satan’s child like they said, maybe I am too bad and evil for God to help, I guess I'm just too bad and I guess I’m too evil like they say, that I do deserve all this for some reason, that I was born for trouble like they say!

And so it went on, horrific day after horrific day, not knowing what was coming next, where the next fist was coming from, what she was going to be accused of next, what terrible names they would call her, such degrading names, such cruel names cursing the fact that she was a little girl, cursing her very existence …

On and on, dark horrible night after dark horrible night of going to bed terrified of what may happen, waking to pain, threats and terrible violations, waking up lying in her own blood and vomit, she was a whore they said, whatever that meant, as they dragged her from her bed for punishment beatings, more accusations …

On and on, week after week of being cursed over and over, you’re stupid, you’ll never achieve anything or be anything or do anything good, you were born for evil and you are evil, never think of yourself in any other way, cruel words that told her she was worthless and no one would ever want to know her …

On and on, month after month of degrading torture, being made fun of at every turn, there was no fun or laughter in that house, she was never allowed to play, never had no toys or had friends round like other kids she knew, she felt so alone, isolated in that hell hole of a house, that torture chamber where fear ruled …

On and on, year after year of smiling, pretending all was well, pretending to be a normal happy family, hoping someone would notice, dreaming of one day when she’d meet her real parents and find out that they’d only adopted her, dreaming that someone out there loved her, one day she’d belong, be wanted and be safe …

Eventually it did all end, one terrible January evening when they realised she’d dared to call their bluff, well they’d told her to leave often enough and thrown her out often enough too, but they didn’t like it when she called their bluff and got somewhere else to live. They thought, how dare she? She has no right, we cannot let her!

They realised they no longer had control over her, she was no longer prepared to be used and abused but they were not prepared to let her go that easily, she was disowned and left for dead in the snow after a very long and ugly fight, it hardly mattered what had happened, she was used to surviving no matter what!

It was over, it had ended, she was alone in a big world now, alone but finally safe, “no one will ever hurt me again” she told herself, “I will survive, I will make it through somehow”, that little girl eventually had choice given back to her, she now had a choice and she made a choice to stay alive, she made a choice to survive!

The Devastation of Incest

I came across the following quote and just had to borrow it and share it here.

I read this and thought WOW, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS LIKE.

The only thing I would add is that as well as not feeling safe in my own bed I did not feel safe in my own home either.

Anyway, here comes the quote:-

"The devastation of incest is powerful because it is set within a constellation of family emotions and conflicts. For the child, there is no stranger to run from, no home to run to. The child cannot feel safe in their own bed. The victim must learn to live with it."

- Susan Forward: Betrayal of Incest, Borrowed from "Overcoming Sexual Abuse"

Saturday, 14 August 2010


I was robbed:-
I was robbed of the ability to trust period
I was robbed of the ability to form relationships period
I was robbed of my childhood
I was robbed of my security
I was robbed of my innocence
I was robbed of my virginity
I was robbed of my femininity
I was robbed of my dignity
I was robbed of my self worth
I was robbed of my ability to play
I was robbed of my identity
I was robbed of my sexuality

I was robbed of so many things

In exchange I was given in their place:-
Confusion about my identity
Deep shame about my body
Feeling totally dirty, filthy, second hand goods, damaged goods
Deep revulsion about the acts that so violated me
Feeling violated to my very core
Totally confused sexuality
Ashamed of who I am
Unsure of who and what I am
Immense guilt
Self blame
Deep trauma
Immense anger and rage
Shame that goes beyond any words that can adequately describe its intensity

I don’t really know who I am. I cannot trust and have never been able to have any kind of relationship so life has been so lonely and empty because of the abuse.

Sometimes it makes me so angry and underlines my need for justice; my need for my story to be known; my need for people to know what they did, how cruel they were and how they devastated my life.

That anger and need for justice also informs my determination to:-
Stay alive
Find a voice
Tell the truth
Be heard

And eventually to heal and be able to, one day, move on from all of this, so that only part of my life has been devastated, not the whole of it.

Friday, 13 August 2010

A Place Called Nothingness

As a child I had to endure the abuse. I also had to conceal my feelings about it. I endured in silence. I endured without tears. I endured without showing any outward sign that what they were doing was affecting me. I endured and endured beyond endurance. It was all about survival. Surviving meant never showing that I was affected by anything they did

But truth is - it did affect me.

Not only did I have to conceal my feelings, by being denied expression of my feelings I wasn’t actually allowed to have any feelings or opinions. But deep inside, there must be my true thoughts and feelings about it all, somewhere deep inside that silenced terrorised little girl.

It’s only now I’ve found the courage to speak out that I’ve been asked “how do you feel about the abuse?” Nobody has ever asked me how I felt about being abused? Many people over the years have taken it upon themselves to tell me how I ‘should’ feel, react or behave, which again denied me true expression of what I was really feeling or experiencing.

So I guess I’ve never really thought about how I feel about it. And anyway, I’ve just been busy staying alive, surviving behind a fake smile, doing what it takes to make it through, trying not to feel because, well because I don’t know what to do with feelings.

The first time I was asked how I felt about the abuse I shrugged my shoulders and said “err nothing really” but then I paused and heard myself say “actually I’m angry … so angry I could kill someone … and I feel deeply sad about all that could have been and wasn’t … oh and there’s guilt there … and I feel so ashamed, so horribly ashamed.”

Well it was a start but hang on, let’s be real here, I don’t tend to feel much. Often I go beyond feeing to a ‘numb’ place, which is nice for a while. It kinda gives me a break but I always end up getting shaken out of that place by something, whether it be a phone call or something else. I suppose ‘numb’ is only meant to be a transit place. I mostly oscillate between intense rage and deep sadness but there must be other feelings about the abuse somewhere inside of me. There must be more feelings than just those. I spose I’m not really connecting yet.

There’s another place I go that’s different to the ‘numb’ place. It’s a place of nothing at all. It’s a place I call ‘nothingness’. It’s a place where there are no feelings. There is absolutely nothing in this place. It’s hard to describe a place where there is nothing – no sound, no colour, no smell, no light, no darkness, no feelings, no hunger, no thirst, no desires, no shame, no hurt, no tiredness, no happiness, no hope, no sadness, no touch, no thinking, no guilt, no feeling ashamed, no, well no nothing - just nothing.

I’ve been scared of this ‘nothingness’ place but I think that ‘nothingness’ may be that silenced terrorised child. Maybe the ‘nothingness’ place is her. What did she do with those feelings she wasn’t allowed to have? They must be somewhere buried deep inside her because she had to bury them. Where are they?

I know that on the odd occasion I’ve allowed myself to feel … I feel violated to my very core … I feel an intensity of shame that goes far beyond the word ‘shame’ ... I feel dirty, filthy beyond words … I feel helpless … I feel naked and exposed … I feel alone, so very alone … I feel terror … I feel a type and depth of searing pain that goes way beyond any adjectives I know. I feel things I’ve not felt before, things I just cannot find words for.

But I don’t feel them for long because they’re so intense and scary. I wonder, are they her feelings or mine? Or a mixture of both? I dunno. But those feelings are there along with many I’ve not felt, noticed or identified yet.


Saturday, 7 August 2010


You do it our way or else there’ll be trouble
Don’t be a bother, just do as you’re told
Don’t dare tell, you’ll shame yourself not us
You’re just a silly little troublemaker

Remember we have an image to uphold
We are respectable church going people
Upstanding charity workers in the community
Who are you? Just a silly little troublemaker

You’re not welcome if you won’t do it our way
Play it by our code of behaving and acting
We can do what we choose and how we choose
Remember you’re just a silly little troublemaker

So I hid my shame, pretended all was well
I hid my past hoping it would go away
I tried to forget where I’d come from
Tried to forget I was a silly little troublemaker

I hid my pain, but it just grew worse and worse
I tried to bury my past but it refused to die
I lived behind a well worn fake smile hoping
It wasn't true, I wasn’t a silly little troublemaker

All the while my heart was broken and kept breaking
I so desperately wanted to tell, to speak the truth
But never thought anyone would take me seriously
Thought they’d think "she’s just a silly little troublemaker"

So I kept silent for years and years and it ate away
Till I knew it was a case of die or tell the truth
I had to take some huge risks and speak out
And hoped I wasn’t really just a silly little troublemaker

Tuesday, 3 August 2010


The work of healing is like finding, sorting and putting together the pieces of an ancient pot. The work is often tedious, and some of the slivers may be sharp and dangerous.

The result is a beautiful object, elegant in form and function, and in the tale it tells of its creation.

If put together carefully, it will also be watertight and can be filled with good things

~ Lost in the Mirror by Richard Moskovitz MD


What does the word ‘home’ mean to you?

Safety, Security, Fun, Wanted, Happiness, Belonging, Understanding, Peace, Stability, Calm, Love, Freedom, Harmony, Pleasure, Choices, Laughter, Leisure time, Relaxation, Inclused, Soothing, Uninhibited, Peace and quiet, Enjoyment, Welcome, Friendly, Calm, Restful, Comfort

Or does the word ‘home’ mean to you?

Danger, Uncertainty, Sadness, Rejection, Isolation, Arguing, Violence, Not fitting in, Fear, Hatred, Abuse, Control, Apprehension, Loneliness, Uproar, Raised voices, Misery, Dejection, Helplessness, Terror, Aloneness, Tears, Aggression, Loneliness, Excluded, Fighting, Cruelty, Depravity, Sadism, Hostility, Brutality, Scary feelings, Not being wanted, Feeling frightened, Panic, Horror, Dread, Nightmares


Beloved, I'm sorry that you had to go through the pain of the abuse in the first place
I'm sorry that you have to go through the pain of healing
I'm sorry you have to go through the pain of betrayal by friends and those who come across like they want to help
I am here for you
I want nothing but the best for you
I will help you heal
I love you deeply and intensely

Monday, 2 August 2010


I spent my childhood dreaming . . .

Dreaming that one day I would meet my 'real' parents . . .

Dreaming that these people who called themselves my parents would turn out to have just adopted me because I couldn't believe anyone could be so deliberately and systematically cruel to their own flesh and blood. It was very lonely and isolating living in that hell hole with none to rescue me and just the dream that one day I'd meet my 'real' parents keeping me going

Sadly that childhood dream became a nightmare . . .

A nightmare of the agony of the realisation that they were my real parents and that there are no loving 'real' parents out there, and there never will be!!!

So I stopped dreaming

As the years passed the pain has not lessened but increased with the passage of time. It feels really unfair to have gone through all that pain in the first place. And it feels really unfair to know that in order to heal it will take excruciating pain and a lot of courage. I look at this mess of pain, shame, fear and broken dreams that I never caused in the first place and it all feels so unfair, I was an innocent child, I must never forget that.

The most unfair thing is how my life has been so devastated, shattered, destroyed, along with my childhood dream

But somehow I found the strength from within to start dreaming again . .

I dream that all my shattered pieces will be retrieved, none lost along the way . . .

I dream that this little humpty dumpty will be put back together again . .

I dream that one day the dark clouds will be chased away by nice fluffy white ones . . .

I dream that one day the storms will stop rumbling around and around and the sun will come out and stay out . . .

I dream that one day it won’t hurt to be alive . . .

I dream that one day it won’t hurt to remember . . .

I dream that one day it won’t hurt to be me . . .

And it is that dream that keeps me going . . .

It’s time to dream again and this time it is a nice dream and this time I promise to myself to not stop dreaming because the day I stop dreaming is the day I stop living

Sunday, 1 August 2010


I read this little story this morning. It’s a simple little story but what a wonderful one!! When I read this something deep inside resonated and the simplicity of it released something inside. It touched me so much that I had to share it with you.

On a recent trip to visit the grandkids in the USA, we came upon an advertising campaign for a large office supply chain called Staples. They had adopted the slogan of “That’s Easy” to sell their customer service. It had taken root very well in American society and they were even selling a buzzer type button that audibly spoke “That’s Easy” when depressed.

One of these buzzer buttons made its way into our son’s home one evening through the church home group that was having their weekly meeting there. Our 4-year old grandson, Jacob, was greatly taken with this button and the noise it produced when depressed. As bedtime came, he insisted on taking the button upstairs to his bed with him. As our son Brett, finally settled him into bed and came down to rejoin the home group, we were all in prayer for our needs. As the person praying finished, in perfect timing, came the response from above; ”That’s Easy”.

It brought a good laugh to us and a “thank YOU Jesus” for HIS quick reply. As the next ones prayed in succession we were amazed again and again that at the end of each prayer came the auditory response from above of “That’s Easy”.

We all knew the real operator of the button was Jacob, but marvelled at the truth that although our burdens seem heavy, as we transfer them to Jesus …well for HIM, “That’s Easy” and we find our loads considerably lightened.

It left the impression with me to go quickly with my burdens to Jesus, because at his desk, I will find the “That’s Easy” button. There I can find rest instead of anxiety and burden.

God is waiting to receive your burdens and HIS response of “That’s Easy” is just a second away in reply.

Written by Sharon Bixler for Ellel Ministries International

Come to ME, all you who labour and are heavy-laden and over burdened. I will cause you to rest. I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls. Take MY yoke upon you and learn of ME. I am gentle, meek and humble, lowly in heart. You will find rest, relief, ease, refreshment, blessed quiet for your souls. MY yoke is wholesome, useful, good -- not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant. MY burden is light and easy to be borne. Matthew 11:28-30 (Amplified Bible)


A friend sent me an article entitled ‘Mind Your Mouth’ today and I thought it was really good so I’m reproducing it below once I get past my own ruminations about it.

The article very gently challenged me to consider how I communicate and of the need to communicate with care and circumspection.

The observation that distressed people frequently need only limited information is so correct. I know from my own experience that my emotions and my mind/mental processes very quickly go on overload and I need to receive information and communications [verbal or written] in small manageable chunks to prevent that.

I think the bottom line for me when it comes to communication includes the following questions.

Am I communicating the love and compassion of Jesus?
I am hearing the love and compassion of Jesus?
Are my words more about judging and criticising?
Are my words likely to bring life and lift my reader/hearer or will they pull them down?
Am I feeling encouraged or discouraged by what I’m hearing/reading?

The answers to those questions inform my communication and also how I process what I’m hearing or reading from others.

‘Mind Your Mouth’ reminds me of the following scripture – “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life]” Proverbs 18:21

Mind Your Mouth!

The upright honourable, intrinsically good man out of the good treasure stored in his heart produces what is upright, honourable and intrinsically good, and the evil man out of the evil storehouse brings forth that which is depraved, wicked and intrinsically evil; for out of the abundance (overflow) of the heart his mouth speaks” [Luke 6:45 Amplified]

Let's answer some communication questions:

1) What is good communication? It's honest, positively intended, two-way sharing. It isn't 'dumping' or giving someone a piece of your mind! The first law of verbal ecology is: garbage is not biodegradable! It recycles, festering with time.
"The words of a talebearer are as wounds... they go down into the innermost parts of the belly" [Proverbs 18:8]
"The words of a whisperer or talebearer… go down into the innermost parts of the body" [Proverbs 18: 8 Amplified]
Many a word accompanies the hearer to their grave.

2) What should we communicate? The truth.
'Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who deal truthfully are HIS delight' [Proverbs 12:22 NKJV]
Lying lips are extremely disgusting and hateful to the Lord, but they who deal faithfully are HIS delight” [Proverbs 12: 22 Amplified]
But truth can be given like the blow of a sledgehammer or like a soothing hand of friendship.
The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things” [Proverbs 15:28 NAS]
The mind of the uncompromisingly righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.” [Proverbs 15:28 Amplified]
It should be communicated after advance thought for its impact.

3) How much should we communicate? As much as God's Word, love and wisdom dictate.
A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards” [Proverbs 29:11]
A self-confident fool utters all his anger, but a wise man holds it back and stills it” [Proverbs 29: 11 Amplified]
Children and distressed people frequently need only limited information.

4) How should we communicate? 'How' can be as important as 'what,' so speak with consideration for the hearer's feelings.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” [Proverbs 15:1 NAS]
A SOFT answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger” [Proverbs 15: 1 Amplified]
The hearer's response is conditioned by your words.

5) Check your timing; it's vital!
It is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time” [Proverbs 15:23 NLT]
A man has joy in making an apt answer, and a word spoken at the right moment - -how good it is!” [Proverbs 15: 23 Amplified]
If you're not certain about your timing, wait and pray for wisdom!

Taken from UCB Word for Today