I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. Without God's intervention in my life I wouldn't be here - NOW is the time for me to tell MY story by speaking the TRUTH about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being restored. This blog has helped me begin to get my voice back and documents the journey God is taking me on to heal me from the trauma and damage caused by that most appalling abuse.

Monday, 2 August 2010

DREAMS

I spent my childhood dreaming . . .

Dreaming that one day I would meet my 'real' parents . . .

Dreaming that these people who called themselves my parents would turn out to have just adopted me because I couldn't believe anyone could be so deliberately and systematically cruel to their own flesh and blood. It was very lonely and isolating living in that hell hole with none to rescue me and just the dream that one day I'd meet my 'real' parents keeping me going

Sadly that childhood dream became a nightmare . . .

A nightmare of the agony of the realisation that they were my real parents and that there are no loving 'real' parents out there, and there never will be!!!

So I stopped dreaming

As the years passed the pain has not lessened but increased with the passage of time. It feels really unfair to have gone through all that pain in the first place. And it feels really unfair to know that in order to heal it will take excruciating pain and a lot of courage. I look at this mess of pain, shame, fear and broken dreams that I never caused in the first place and it all feels so unfair, I was an innocent child, I must never forget that.

The most unfair thing is how my life has been so devastated, shattered, destroyed, along with my childhood dream

But somehow I found the strength from within to start dreaming again . .

I dream that all my shattered pieces will be retrieved, none lost along the way . . .

I dream that this little humpty dumpty will be put back together again . .

I dream that one day the dark clouds will be chased away by nice fluffy white ones . . .

I dream that one day the storms will stop rumbling around and around and the sun will come out and stay out . . .

I dream that one day it won’t hurt to be alive . . .

I dream that one day it won’t hurt to remember . . .

I dream that one day it won’t hurt to be me . . .

And it is that dream that keeps me going . . .

It’s time to dream again and this time it is a nice dream and this time I promise to myself to not stop dreaming because the day I stop dreaming is the day I stop living

2 comments:

Eve said...

It will never cease to amaze me that survivors share just about everything in common......when i read todays post i think of me, and my friend Jenny (artconstellation)
we have to keep going. We were robbed of being children who were taken care of. Well, you and Jenny were much more than me, but none the less, we were robbed. I just think that it is so crappy. But then, as I start and I mean, start to understand a bit of the love and care that the good Daddy has for us, I think, He really was there in the middle of it. Crying. And in His eternalness eventhough that is not a word, He still is there in it. And one day, He will bring justice out of the wrongs that were done to his little ones. And one day, we will be healed.....even if it is not on this earth. One day, we will be whole because by His stripes we are healed. And for now, we just wait, and pray, and question, and help others along the way.
CSLewis described eternity something like this in Mere Christianity, God is in eternity, that means He is in the past, the present, and the future. So it doesn't really matter that we are in the present praying for the future, He is there hearing all of it, even praying for us.....we can't pray for something too late, because He is everywhere hearing the prayers. and now He is helping us heal. and it is hard. but He is here, and there. And I love you dear heart.....

PRINCESS FI said...

Yes SAFE DADDY was there in the middle of it CRYING, and HE still is there CRYING. Every time I cry HE is there crying with me.

Yes we were robbed. You were robbed. I was robbed. And the fact I can never get back what was robbed from me is what makes me the angriest and what hurts the most.

I love that quote from CS Lewis, it was so helpful.

HE is I AM, and HE is I AM in the past, present and future of our lives!!