I was robbed:-
I was robbed of the ability to trust period
I was robbed of the ability to form relationships period
I was robbed of my childhood
I was robbed of my security
I was robbed of my innocence
I was robbed of my virginity
I was robbed of my femininity
I was robbed of my dignity
I was robbed of my self worth
I was robbed of my ability to play
I was robbed of my identity
I was robbed of my sexuality
I was robbed of so many things
In exchange I was given in their place:-
Confusion about my identity
Deep shame about my body
Feeling totally dirty, filthy, second hand goods, damaged goods
Deep revulsion about the acts that so violated me
Feeling violated to my very core
Totally confused sexuality
Ashamed of who I am
Unsure of who and what I am
Immense anger and rage
Shame that goes beyond any words that can adequately describe its intensity
I don’t really know who I am. I cannot trust and have never been able to have any kind of relationship so life has been so lonely and empty because of the abuse.
Sometimes it makes me so angry and underlines my need for justice; my need for my story to be known; my need for people to know what they did, how cruel they were and how they devastated my life.
That anger and need for justice also informs my determination to:-
Find a voice
Tell the truth
And eventually to heal and be able to, one day, move on from all of this, so that only part of my life has been devastated, not the whole of it.
I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!