I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. Without God's intervention in my life I wouldn't be here - NOW is the time for me to tell MY story by speaking the TRUTH about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being restored. This blog has helped me begin to get my voice back and documents the journey God is taking me on to heal me from the trauma and damage caused by that most appalling abuse.

Saturday, 14 August 2010

I WAS ROBBED

I was robbed:-
I was robbed of the ability to trust period
I was robbed of the ability to form relationships period
I was robbed of my childhood
I was robbed of my security
I was robbed of my innocence
I was robbed of my virginity
I was robbed of my femininity
I was robbed of my dignity
I was robbed of my self worth
I was robbed of my ability to play
I was robbed of my identity
I was robbed of my sexuality

I was robbed of so many things

In exchange I was given in their place:-
Confusion about my identity
Deep shame about my body
Feeling totally dirty, filthy, second hand goods, damaged goods
Deep revulsion about the acts that so violated me
Feeling violated to my very core
Totally confused sexuality
Ashamed of who I am
Unsure of who and what I am
Immense guilt
Self blame
Deep trauma
Immense anger and rage
Shame that goes beyond any words that can adequately describe its intensity

I don’t really know who I am. I cannot trust and have never been able to have any kind of relationship so life has been so lonely and empty because of the abuse.

Sometimes it makes me so angry and underlines my need for justice; my need for my story to be known; my need for people to know what they did, how cruel they were and how they devastated my life.

That anger and need for justice also informs my determination to:-
Stay alive
Find a voice
Tell the truth
Be heard

And eventually to heal and be able to, one day, move on from all of this, so that only part of my life has been devastated, not the whole of it.

5 comments:

Patricia Singleton said...

Very well said. Thanks for sharing it. Being an incest survivor, I totally understand what you are saying. Blogging about my own experiences has given meaning to the abuse for me. Helping myself helps others to see that recovery is possible little steps at a time.

Eve said...

You are right. You were robbed. This stinks. I am sorry for what has happened to you and glad that you are speaking and being heard.

PRINCESS FI said...

YES I was robbed, and I just realised that by speaking out I am taking back the power that was taken away from me and I'm taking back my voice and saying no more silence, no more lies, no more pretending, no more cowering in the corner. I'm standing up now and saying this is me and this is my story and I choose to tell because I choose to heal, and I choose to tell because, just because I do!!

greengirl101 said...

I know how this feels, not incest, but being robbed of everything, until you feel alone, like theirs nothing left. They take the light and the love.

PRINCESS FI said...

Yes but do you know what is left? the real YOU - the real ME - deep inside - it's only through telling and being believed that I've realised one thing they couldn't rob me of was the real person I was inside - the real person who got squashed down through mocking etc, but she is there in ME and she is there in YOU - and as I tell and keep going on this healing journey the more the real ME is coming out - she's always been there just well hidden!