I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. Without God's intervention in my life I wouldn't be here - NOW is the time for me to tell MY story by speaking the TRUTH about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being restored. This blog has helped me begin to get my voice back and documents the journey God is taking me on to heal me from the trauma and damage caused by that most appalling abuse.

Sunday, 15 August 2010

She Had No Choice

She had no choice when she was little, when would it eventually all end, this stripping away of her dignity, would there ever be an end to the shame, the fear, the hurt? Why couldn’t she feel safe in her own bed? She wondered many times over the long lonely agonising years, why couldn’t they just leave her alone?

Maybe life was supposed to hurt so much, but then she wondered what she’d done wrong? Maybe she was so bad that she deserved it, just like they said to her so many times, the nightmare went on and on and on and on and deep inside she wilted and died, there was no escape, there was none to rescue …

So that innocent terrified little girl thought, “Well I guess there is no hope for me, maybe I am satan’s child like they said, maybe I am too bad and evil for God to help, I guess I'm just too bad and I guess I’m too evil like they say, that I do deserve all this for some reason, that I was born for trouble like they say!

And so it went on, horrific day after horrific day, not knowing what was coming next, where the next fist was coming from, what she was going to be accused of next, what terrible names they would call her, such degrading names, such cruel names cursing the fact that she was a little girl, cursing her very existence …

On and on, dark horrible night after dark horrible night of going to bed terrified of what may happen, waking to pain, threats and terrible violations, waking up lying in her own blood and vomit, she was a whore they said, whatever that meant, as they dragged her from her bed for punishment beatings, more accusations …

On and on, week after week of being cursed over and over, you’re stupid, you’ll never achieve anything or be anything or do anything good, you were born for evil and you are evil, never think of yourself in any other way, cruel words that told her she was worthless and no one would ever want to know her …

On and on, month after month of degrading torture, being made fun of at every turn, there was no fun or laughter in that house, she was never allowed to play, never had no toys or had friends round like other kids she knew, she felt so alone, isolated in that hell hole of a house, that torture chamber where fear ruled …

On and on, year after year of smiling, pretending all was well, pretending to be a normal happy family, hoping someone would notice, dreaming of one day when she’d meet her real parents and find out that they’d only adopted her, dreaming that someone out there loved her, one day she’d belong, be wanted and be safe …

Eventually it did all end, one terrible January evening when they realised she’d dared to call their bluff, well they’d told her to leave often enough and thrown her out often enough too, but they didn’t like it when she called their bluff and got somewhere else to live. They thought, how dare she? She has no right, we cannot let her!

They realised they no longer had control over her, she was no longer prepared to be used and abused but they were not prepared to let her go that easily, she was disowned and left for dead in the snow after a very long and ugly fight, it hardly mattered what had happened, she was used to surviving no matter what!

It was over, it had ended, she was alone in a big world now, alone but finally safe, “no one will ever hurt me again” she told herself, “I will survive, I will make it through somehow”, that little girl eventually had choice given back to her, she now had a choice and she made a choice to stay alive, she made a choice to survive!

5 comments:

Patricia Singleton said...

You were none of those names that they called you. You were not to blame for what was done to you. Thank you for surviving and for sharing your journey on your blog so that others can learn the same things that you did and start to hope for the changes that God can bring into our lives. I too am an incest survivor who has gone on to thrive and to love myself. I also blog about my experiences as an incest survivor to spread hope to other survivors.

PRINCESS FI said...

Hi Patricia :)

Many thanks for your comment and a big welcome to my blog!! Many blessings to you. I'm looking forward to having a look at your blog!!

Eve said...

This was very painful to read. IT WAS HELL TO LIVE!!! I am so glad you are being heard. My name means "mother of life" so I have always been one to want to fix things. And while I know that I cannot fix what happened to you, i can continue to read your story and love on you and pray for you and learn from you. When I read this, it makes me want to try harder to make this stop happening to people. KEEP TALKING. KEEP TALKING. KEEP TALKING.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!
I love you!

PRINCESS FI said...

Hi Eve

YES IT WAS HELL TO LIVE AND SOMEHOW I SURVIVED.

I never thought I would be believed if I told it how it REALLY was. But there is no other way but to tell it how it REALLY was. Healing will not come if I try to pretend it wasn't as horrific as it really was.

And each time I tell a little bit more and a little bit more, I feel a little bit more liberated.

At long last I can speak out and be heard and it's sooo good to do that and for it to be ok to do that.

Thank you for listening, thank you for encouraging me, thank you for believing me, thank you for giving me permission, thank you for your love and affirmation which I find so hard to hear and so hard to receive but which are also so precious to me!!

Eve said...

Fi, I hope you are okay. I haven't seen a post for a while, so I just wanted to check on you. I will keep you in my prayers.
I love you.