I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. Without God's intervention in my life I wouldn't be here - NOW is the time for me to tell MY story by speaking the TRUTH about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being restored. This blog has helped me begin to get my voice back and documents the journey God is taking me on to heal me from the trauma and damage caused by that most appalling abuse.

Saturday, 7 August 2010

THEIR CODE

You do it our way or else there’ll be trouble
Don’t be a bother, just do as you’re told
Don’t dare tell, you’ll shame yourself not us
You’re just a silly little troublemaker

Remember we have an image to uphold
We are respectable church going people
Upstanding charity workers in the community
Who are you? Just a silly little troublemaker

You’re not welcome if you won’t do it our way
Play it by our code of behaving and acting
We can do what we choose and how we choose
Remember you’re just a silly little troublemaker

So I hid my shame, pretended all was well
I hid my past hoping it would go away
I tried to forget where I’d come from
Tried to forget I was a silly little troublemaker

I hid my pain, but it just grew worse and worse
I tried to bury my past but it refused to die
I lived behind a well worn fake smile hoping
It wasn't true, I wasn’t a silly little troublemaker

All the while my heart was broken and kept breaking
I so desperately wanted to tell, to speak the truth
But never thought anyone would take me seriously
Thought they’d think "she’s just a silly little troublemaker"

So I kept silent for years and years and it ate away
Till I knew it was a case of die or tell the truth
I had to take some huge risks and speak out
And hoped I wasn’t really just a silly little troublemaker

4 comments:

Eve said...

You, my dear, are not a silly little trouble maker. I love you. Keep writing and healing.......

Anonymous said...

An echo of Eve's comments here:) You are not, and have never been, a silly little trouble maker, Fi. It seems those harsh and unloving adults didn't want their lives complicated by unpleasant truth.

I encourage you to spend much time thinking on the wonderful truth of who you really are,Princess,and who Christ is in you! There is freedom and joy there.

PRINCESS FI said...

Thank you Anonymous, I wish you'd left your name :(

I hear you. I spend much time sitting with my big bruvver Jesus and my Safe Daddy receiving from them and hearing from them how they see me and who I really am in them. I know who I am in them and am secure in them and in my relationship with them. As you will see from other posts I walk very closely to Jesus. HE is my healer, HE is my guide, HE is my source, HE is the one I look to.

But an important part of healing, well for me anyway, is finding a voice to say it as it was, to speak out what those lies were, to get them out.

That is part of what this blogsite is about - giving me the adult and the silenced little girl inside me a safe space to speak out the terrible things that happened and were spoken so that those things can come out and be seen for what they are and what they were:- lies used to control, manipulate and abuse.

It may be uncomfortable reading for some, but I am not going to mince my words about what happened or minimise the terrible things that were spoken. It's important for my healing that I have a space to bring those out after being kept hidden inside eating away at me all these years.

I know who I am in Christ but that silenced little girl needs a voice - that is what this post is about - allowing her to say some of the things that kept her silenced for so long.

This blogsite is about many things. One, and maybe the most important one, is about being my safe space to bring out the terrible deeds that were done and the terrible words that were spoken. Another is to show how Jesus is bringing healing to each area as it is exposed.

I appreciate your comment. Please understand this site is about MY healing journey, MY story. Part of that journey is about bringing out terrible things so healing can happen.

PRINCESS FI said...

There is freedom and joy in finding my voice which has been silenced for nearly 40 years. There is freedom and joy in bringing out all this gunk so it no longer eats away inside of me. There is freedom and joy in allowing the frightened silenced little girl inside to speak. There is freedom and joy in having a safe space in which to do it.

And there is freedom and joy in walking hand-in-hand with my big bruvver Jesus and my Safe Daddy knowing who I am and seeing who I am in their eyes and seeing their perspective on all this!!

All of these things are part of my healing journey.