I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

All Any Feeling Wants

“All any feeling wants is to be welcomed with tenderness. It wants room to unfold. It wants to relax and tell its story. It wants to dissolve like a thousand writhing snakes that with a flick of kindness become harmless strands of rope” Geneen Roth via Darleen Ouimet

My Code, My Rules

My abusers’ rules were all about control, manipulation and abuse; designed to keep me quiet and to keep their behaviour secret. In so doing my abusers virtually destroyed me and reduced me to merely existing.

Their code, their rules are no longer relevant to my life. Nothing bad is going to happen if I reject their code, their rules now. Their code, their rules were bad ones.

I do not have to live by their rules anymore. I do not want to live by their rules anymore either.

It is possible for me to live by new rules. I can create my own code, my own rules. I am allowed to now.

My code, my rules are about learning to live, not just exist.

My code, my rules are going to be about beginning to be me – who I really am – not who they said I was and not who they made me to be.

They are about finding freedom rather than being tied up in knots; about living; about being more healthy and about being safe.

Ultimately, establishing my own code, my rules, is about finding my own voice and using it, for too long it’s been silenced, but no more. I am finding my voice now and by golly am I gonna use it!!

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

The Last Few Months - Part 1

Late in 2009 I realised I was going to have to speak out what had happened to me as a child to the police. I knew that if I did not it would kill me and I did not want to be one more life lost to abuse. I had taken the first step in setting up this site and beginning to tell my story here but I knew I was going to have to take telling this next step further.

I'd reached a point in my life where I could no longer carry on just existing, just surviving, just staying alive for the sake of it. I had no quality of life, something had to change.

So on Monday 8th March 2010 I did something which meant my life would change and never be the same again. I picked up the phone and reported my parents and brother to the police on historic child abuse\child cruelty charges.

It had taken me 6 weeks to pluck up the courage to do this after reading an article in the Whitehaven News late Jan 2010 encouraging victims of sexual abuse regardless of age or when it happened to come forward. It gave a phone number to ring. When I read that article it was like someone placed an invitation in my hand. I would not have known who to phone or how to go about it.

So on the afternoon of 8th March 2010 I sat and stared at that phone number for 3 hours and in the end told myself to stop vacillitating and pick up the phone and ring the number given. A little after 4pm I picked up the phone and dialled the number in the article. I had to be redirected from a switchboard to the right person and it took a good 2-3 minutes. Throughout that time everything in me was screaming “put the phone down” but I knew I had to stay on the line because I knew I'd never be able to find the courage to pick up the phone and dial that number a second time.

Eventually I found myself speaking to someone from the appropriate team. I heard myself say “I want to report that I was abused and tortured by my parents and brother while I grew up in Whitehaven between the years of 1974 and 1986." I remember my voice was shaking as I said those words. I was questioned closely for a few minutes, especially concerning the dates. I kept thinking "she's gonna say it happened too long ago" but she didn't, instead she said it would be investigated and ended the call. I remember putting the phone down and starting to shake. It was like I went into shock. For the next hour I was just a gibbering wreck as the reality and enormity of what I had just done hit me.

I felt sheer terror about breaking my silence but also immense pride that I'd found the courage and words after 24 years to begin to speak out the true horror that I endured as a child. I even began to dare to dream that I might be able to finally get justice for me the adult but also more importantly for the deeply traumatised little girl living inside me.

Thursday, 23 September 2010


I have you on a new route for your journey. It is part of the big picture. I know you have given this much thought and prayer.

You began at MY prompting and are now on your way. It feels good because the idea originated with ME.

It is important to you, but it is very important to others who know you. They need the encouragement now.

Keep on track and keep talking to ME about what you are doing. It will make the bond between us so sweet and precious. You will enjoy the journey so much more as you see it is greatly helping others on their way.


We do not understand -

Joy until we face Sorrow
Faith until it is tested
Peace until faced with Conflict
Trust until we are betrayed
Love until it is lost
Or Hope until confronted with doubts


It came to me the other day that in my quest for truth and an end to all the lies, pretence, play acting and bullshit that my life has been full of, I can do that for ME and I need to do that for ME.

But when it comes to my abusers, well that is a very different story.

They have been living bold as brass for all these years in lies which to them are the truth; living in an absurd reality where lies became the truth and the truth became lies.

I cannot change them but only challenge them with the truth which they can choose to deny or not, it is their choice.

But I choose to live the rest of MY life in truth regardless of what my abusers choose to do.

NIGHT TERRORS - Written by Penny Smith

I wake from dreaming of his laughing, sneering face, the demons who haunt me are still giving chase

I try to shake it off - to leave them in my dreams but they follow me into my day and always will, it seems

Somehow I have to go about the duties of everyday life, there are things I have to do - I am a mother and a wife

I must put on a happy face, while memories at me claw, my children need not know the pain, that at my soul doth gnaw

It's the hardest thing I have to do, this hiding of how I feel, smile, despite my wounds and somehow, learn to deal

Some days are good, while others exhaust me to my very core; night again, and I haven't the strength to fight the demons anymore

Then he's back in my dreams -sneering, lying, hurting me, sleep holds no reprieve - there is nowhere for me to flee

I wake again exhausted, cold sweat upon my brow, remnants of terror slowly fading - I must carry on somehow


A master jazz musician shared how when he was playing in concert with his renowned mentor, he hit a wrong chord. He noticed something unusual. His mentor played around the wrong chord and made something beautiful out of it. When the younger man later apologised for the wrong chord, the mentor said "I didn't hear a wrong chord. Instead, I heard something new and built something beautiful out of it."

The Lord says, "Do you remember the wrong chords you have played in life? Did you notice how I built something beautiful out of it? I tell you, those wrong chords do not exist for ME. I do not hear them. Each one is a starting place for something wonderful."

Now go play your song and sing your tune with the excellence in ability I have given. Forget worrying about the wrong chords.

Thursday, 9 September 2010


I came across the following poem on a friend's site and thought I'd borrow it for here as it was so good.


Shame on you… for damaging me
Shame on you… for your lies and pretence
Shame on you… for your twisted world


Shame on you… for causing me to suffer so
Shame on you… for not hearing my silent screams
Shame on you… for turning your back on me


Kate Swift 2010